- 7 years ago
- Wedding: July 2013
I know that I wrote alot about my sister. I think instead of relaying our situation again, Im going to just vent about how I feel now after everything thats happened. I dont expect anyone to read this, just I need to sit down and write this out and hope it makes some sort of conclusion or sense.
I used to look at my sister and see nothing but her good qualities- her intelligence, her motivation, her ability to read people- to try and always work things out in a fight. The bad parts, her spitefulness towards people who didnt listen, or her treatment of me as her little helper- all these things seemed to pale in comparison with the fact that I wanted to hang out with my big sister.
Then things started to change, as happens when two individual siblings grow up. I wanted something more than what was happening in my family- I was a great student, and I knew that if I didnt get away from the abusive situation I was in, or take the opprotunities my schooling could get me I would regret it for the rest of my life. I worked hard and got into University on scholarship and went away to England, which has significantly boosted my life in ways I cant describe.
All the while my sister stayed home and chose to continue trying to fix the abusive family dynamics of our family. When I came home I could tell she resented me for my choices, and after her last letter I realize now how much she hated me for getting way, that I didnt feel guilty for wanting to leave my abusive family situation. It shocks me to say it but I never thought she would be capable of feeling that way about me.
Now looking back over the years, as I have for the last couple of weeks, I’ve realized I really looked at her through rose coloured glasses. I remember now how unhappy she was when I left, how she didnt go to my graduation, or how these last few years she has tried to point out as many of my mistakes as she could. I always thought she was just being honest with me, but I understand now that she resents me for continuing my eduation- Im even applying to grad school this year and she made a point to make fun of me for that too.
The things she has said in those letters reflect the person who I used to be- I was a brat, I was selfish, but when I started this new phase of my life I knew I had to come up with a way to somehow understand my family so that I wasnt angry all the time. I now have some sort of relationship with my parents and its better than it used to be. I think ths scares my sister perhaps…Im unsure. I think what she feels I dont deserve to have an opinion on our family- because I abandoned them right?
I dunno bees- is it so wrong to want to get yourself out of a situation where you feel constantly like your drowning. I dont understand how my sister could feel this way- especially since she too made choices that technically took her away from the family (she went on field studies, she got married). I dont resent her for these things though- she was in university! she had to go for opprotunities!
Thanks for the vent. Sorry its so long.