(Closed) Vent…rude people who RSVP and not show up

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
9595 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

well your Darling Husband could say something to his side of no shows but really… I would just kind of write them off in my mind and not extend any invites their way in the future. That is SO rude.

With the DJ whats done is done. You could write her a negative review online if you want but keep it factual not emotional.

Re: your nephew… that is unprofessional behavior obviously but thats the downside of the “friendor” or family member doing you a favor. You kind of get what you pay for typically. I hope your pics turn out okay! 

 

Post # 3
Member
9680 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

While it is incredibly rude of people to no-show, confronting them isn’t going to accomplish anything. Just keep it in mind when deciding who to invite to future events.

As for your nephew, that’s the risk you run when you don’t hire a professional. Hopefully, he still got some great shots.

Post # 4
Member
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016 - Ed Oliver Golf Club, Wilmington, DE

Hi, I also had people not show up that day.. only 4, but at about the same monetary loss and I was pissed! His aunt did call his Mom that morning and say she was really sick and she ended up having pneumonia, so I understand that (and they sent a gift as if they attended, so that was sweet).. but my aunt (who also did not show up to the shower and said yes) facebook messaged ME that afternoon right before mass and said oh i’m sorry we never got a sitter, so we can’t make it. Umm, I sent out save the dates, invites, etc. WHAT?? So my bridesmaids wasted about $30 on her and then I wasted almost $200 on her and her Boyfriend or Best Friend.. I was livid, and needless to say, she will not be invited to anymore of my events. I did not mention anything to either people though, I sent a thank you note to his aunt, and did not even respond to mine. You can’t really say anything, but I am the queen of keeping tabs, haha 🙂  as for the DJ and the photographer.. annoying and rude!!! I’m sorry bee!

Post # 5
Member
4094 posts
Honey bee

zandrade :  With your nephew, did you guys pay him a bit to take photos? If you did, you or hubby at least should say something. If not, that is one of the drawbacks of having family or friends help you out at the wedding. Sometimes there’s a thin line between being a guest and a vendor and it’s awkward to remind them their job because they can always tell you, “Well, I’m doing this for you for free, right?”. If you had a photographer vendor that you paid, they have to work and deliver.

As for the no shows, it is upsetting. If it makes you feel better, my cousin got married and at least 2 tables were completely empty at around $80 per person.

Post # 6
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

We had a few no shows. We had some people cancel last minute due to illness, which was fine and really nice to be let know. Then we had people who just didn’t say anything. One of my grandad’s brothers didn’t turn up, I couldn’t honestly care but my grandad confronted them. We got a small gift card, no apology and it was just an extra thank you to write! Some of DHs friends just didn’t turn up and haven’t offered any apology or even a congratulations to him. I’m pissed about that but I don’t see any point confronting them, they declared that we aren’t important to them and so confronting them will achieve nothing.

As for the nephew, it depends what you’re paying him. If it’s a nominal amount, a gesture of good will, then no not really. If you paid slightly less than a proper photographer, then definitely.

Post # 8
Member
3682 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

22 out of 80 no showed? Ouch. Did something happen prior to the wedding with these people?

Post # 10
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

22 out of 80 did a no-show?  Wow, I’d be mad too.  It seems a lot of people don’t care about RSVPs nowadays.  

Post # 11
Member
3184 posts
Sugar bee

How about a public passive aggressive Facebook post? You should tag the people too 😉

Post # 12
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

MRSsrm85 :  I wouldn’t tag them but a post is a great idea.

Post # 13
Member
3029 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I don’t get why people do this! I had a tiny intimate wedding of 30-ish guests and had two guests who did this… Dinner and open bar was $125 a head so I was out almost as much money as you! 

There’s no point in confronting people like that, so I didn’t bother. Just don’t invite them to anything else important again. 

Post # 14
Member
595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

MRSsrm85 :  no, that’s a terrible idea. Reach out to the people individually and say ‘hey, we missed you on the weekend, just wanting to check everything is ok’. Let them respond then tell them that it was very disappointing that they didn’t show you the courtesy of letting you know they couldn’t make it. That’s just rude. A passive aggressive Facebook post is only going to make you look immature.

Post # 15
Member
737 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2025

A decent person would at least send you an email, leave a message to let you know they couldn’t attend (regardless of what the reason is, its the very LEAST you) – its just the right thing to do.

A close friend of mine had this but to another level at her wedding… Apparently in some areas of the country, its customary to RSVP for the wedding, even if you have NO intention of going. So they had a 150 person wedding and almost her FI’s entire family/extended family (some of his siblings included) RSVP’d yes and didn’t show up. He no longer speaks to those folks – he’s hashed it out with his sisters but they’ve basically cut the rest of them out of their lives and are incredibly hurt.

I’m on the fence about saying something or not to the guests. They know they didn’t show up, the best you’re probably going to get is a prompted and bashful apology that may or may not be sincere. (Unless someone sends you a card with well wishes and a subtle apology in the next week). Frankly, I’d rather stay mad at you and say nothing, than receive a bullshit apology. I wouldn’t be doing any of them an favours anytime soon. 

See what the photos look like, we all have our fingers crossed that he got more shots than you think he did. Once you’ve got them, think about what you’d be comfortable paying for how many photos, the quality, if they’re what you wanted. And then if he asks for something higher, tell him what you’re comfortable paying and explain why. You can’t ask for a bunch of money for delivering 50 poorly taken photos! I’m an ass, so I’d also remind him that if he’s going to be a photographer at a wedding, he must do that first and be a guest second.

If you’ve already paid the DJ, there’s not a ton you can do besides sending her an email that outlines why you feel like you didn’t get the service you paid for. And then putting a very detailed review onto one of the more popular websites (weddingwire, yelp, etc) and as someone else mentioned, be factual as much as possible and finish off with a short paragraph that explains how it made you feel emotionally. By emailing her in advance with your feedback, she should be responsive to you and hopefully apologetic. But she won’t be surprised by your bad review when you do post it and won’t try to have it taken down by the website.

I’m sorry this happened to you bee, I hope you have much happier memories of the evening that you can recall to help move past this 🙁

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