(Closed) def emotional. need advice

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

🙁 Scarlett, I am so sorry that you’re dealing with this! It IS really hard to be in an unequal relationship, where one person depends more on the other (or doesn’t), because it’s a big fat imbalance, and that stinks in relationships! 

(((hugs)))

I do think your Fiance is wise to maintain his friendships, even if he hasn’t expressed it well to you. Even the one person we love so much can never fully fill our every emotional need (and yeah, even guys who don’t express them have them, and they do need guy time); surely you have girlfriends who you hang out with and get some level of fulfillment from that you don’t get from your Fiance.

Maybe you and your Fiance can set aside some special time (on a scheduled basis) to spend SOLID quality time together? Like a date night once a week?

It also sounds like you’re struggling with a lot of insecurity, which I have heaps of experience with (so if I’m projecting, I’m sorry!!!); it’s really important, especially as you’re preparing to get married, that you have a strong personal identity and that you have confidence that comes from YOU and not just from your Fiance. As easy as it is to do it, we can’t let ourselves be defined by the men in our lives (something I’ve struggled with my entire life).

Post # 4
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think you have a lot of insecurities, too. Most people NEED friends outside your relationship. I know I do, and if my Darling Husband was complaining about that, I’d probably tell him to go make some friends. Everybody needs their own space and I find it hard to believe you are 100% fulfilled by ONE person. Everybody needs somebody else, ya know? So maybe your frustration with him is stemming from something personal. Maybe he is feeling a little swamped by you (it happens, i don’t mean to be mean, but I know i used to be an overwhelming girlfriend and i used to be really needy but now I get it) and that’s why his quality time is not the same as your quality time? Why don’t you plan a quality activity together–go somewhere, do something, spend the day doing it? Once my husband told me you don’t have to necessarily be DOING stuff or talking for it to be quality time. Sometimes just being near each other IS enough. Knowing they’re there or just sitting and watching TV together. I guess it depends what you consider quality time. Maybe you guys can talk this out but maybe you need to see someone. Personally I dated a guy who was kind of like how you are saying you are–I had friends but he ONLY wanted to hang out with me all the time. It got old. And quite frankly, i was overwhelmed by how I was his world. It was just ridiculous and I got tired of him. He was always saying he wasn’t good for me and I spent a good part of our relationship trying to cheer him up and make him not insecure. So yeah, I dumped him because I got tired of it. I couldn’t be his therapist AND his girlfriend. You and your Fiance could talk about how to express emotions better so they are communicated to the other person better, depending on what you need versus what he gives and you can both work at it. You acknowledge that you’re a sensitive person who needs a lot of attention–work on it now, because as life gets in the way (job, babies, etc) we have to become more independent and be able to get by when the going gets tough.

Post # 5
Member
3124 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

unless he promised to pick you up and drive you somewhere b/c you don’t have a car, i am not sure I see the problem.  I would give this a couple days, and then tell him that QT is important to you, and make better use of the time you have together.  If you are on the comp and he’s watching tv, then he wants to go out, why give him a hard time?  Either spend the tv/comp time doing something else together, or go out w/ your girl friends.  Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
3098 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

I agree with ejs 100%!

Post # 7
Member
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@ daydreamwanderer: Do you have any advice for girls like this to get their confidence back and find themselves? I’ve struggled with this same situation myself. How do you stay confident in yourself and your relationship if your doughting the amount that your Fiance needs you; like it sounds like scarlette is?

Post # 9
Member
3098 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

@Scarlett – WHOA. So he needs time with his friends, but you aren’t allowed to spend time with yours??

That’s an entirely different situation right there. That sounds controlling.

Post # 10
Member
1356 posts
Bumble bee

@scarlett12: Your last comment worries me. My sister is in a relationship where her husband has cut her off from all friends and family. It starts gradually, but in her case, has escalated out of control. Just going to dinner with your single friends shouldn’t be an issue. Yes, if you were going “speed dating” with them, that would be a problem! But just dinner? That is a sign of someone who is controlling…or who at least has those tendencies. Remember to be true to YOU. Stick up for yourself. You’re worth it! ((((HUGS!))))

Post # 11
Member
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Ditto Laylabelle

Post # 13
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Ditto that last comment sounds controlling. Maybe he is projecting these things onto you which is why you feel so insecure in the first place. Don’t let him brainwash you! Stand up for that crap. Nobody needs that bull!

Make plans. Follow through. Call your friends up. Say, “hey i’m sorry i’ve been MIA. Let’s get lunch and catch up”. True friends are okay with this, really!

And WHO CARES if those events are for single people?! Go, have fun, whatever!

You need to talk to your So. If your relationmship is toxic and cannot be fixed, you shouldn’t marry him, particularly with doubts

Post # 15
Member
3124 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

hmm… well, i do think that though he deserves time with the guys, but if he says he’ll call you with pertinent info, he should call.  I’m in the camp that takes promises to heart, so if you don’t intend on keeping it, don’t make it!  So, i can understand why you are miffed about that. 

It is troubling though that he takes offense when you hang out with your friends.. That’s huge.  My stepdad was / is MAJORLY controlling (to the level of keeping my brother home from our WEDDING – the kid is 16, too) and that didn’t start out like that, it was gradual.  You need to be sure that this is just a miscommunication, and not a personality defect.  Trust me!  I bet my mom would do a few things over if she realized how nuts he’d turn out.  Not that your Fiance is this way, but i’m just relating from personal experience.  Please understand that!

Post # 16
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

woah, I agree… criticising your friends is NOT cool.

@Lacy – a big part of it for me was honestly being single. From the time I turned 13 until 6 months after graduating college, I went straight into a new relationship after each one ended. I defined myself through men/boys. It got bad when I picked the VERY wrong one to define myself in during college – he was abusive, controlling, manipulative for 3 1/2 years of my life. After we split up, I knew I needed to be single, because all I wanted was to be back with him, but he was toxic for me. So I stayed single (on purpose) for like 2 1/2 years.

I was going strong, and learned to LOVE being single, until J came along and pursued the heck outta me, but that’s another story.

I don’t know if it’s necessary to be single to find your own identity, but I do think it’s important to find it before you get married, for 2 reasons: 1) if you find it after getting married, who you are will change a LOT, and that could be disastrous, and 2) if you define yourself only through your husband, and worst comes to worst and you get divorced, you will have no legs beneath you to stand upon, and you will likely hit a very awful rock bottom in the process of figuring out how to deal (I can only imagine how bad it would’ve been if my ex and I had been married; it was hell breaking up with him after he cheated on me the second time [with his guitar student of over 6 years who had literally turned 18 days earlier and was 10 years his junior – I’m telling you, he was a real winner]) and we were never even engaged!

I think it’s very important to know what is important to you (not you and your SO, but YOU), why, where your values and beliefs come from; to have skills, hobbies and things you enjoy simply because you enjoy them, not because your SO or friends or family enjoy them; to be able to express yourself well; and to be able to support yourself financially, even if you aren’t currently (i.e. have marketable skills that you can fall back on).

Those were all* things that I learned while I was single, and I’m not sure I ever would have discovered them if I didn’t spend that time alone. Not everyone needs what I needed though, please don’t think I’m saying go and break up with your FI! 🙂

*Aside from the marketable skills thing; I got a good education and had a great job while with my ex; was actually supporting him/paying his rent/putting gas in his car/buying his groceries/etc since he was a jobless bum. Seriously, what was I thinking, right? BUT he had convinced me that after we got married, I needed to become a Stay-At-Home Mom, which is great for those who want to do it, but my only motivation was that he said that was what a woman was supposed to do, and I thought I needed to be who he wanted me to be, instead of who I am. Thus, he was in the process of removing those legs from beneath me. And then we would’ve starved to death. 😛

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