Post # 1
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee
My proposal deadline (my 35th birthday) came and went earlier in the summer. I packed to move out and tried to end our 4yr reationship. SO cried and apologized, and said he was planning to propose by New Years, he just needed a little more time.
That was four months ago. I recently suggested we should start looking at rings. SO admitted there’s no point looking because he hasn’t saved up – he wasn’t saving for a ring before the original deadline and he still hasn’t started saving since he promised he’d propose by New Years. In the meantime he’s spent several hundred dollars on things for himself – clothes and computer games, a new Iphone, etc. I don’t need an expensive ring but I resent him not even trying to do his best for me.
I feel so hurt and unloved, I’m tempted just to pack my bags. He’s never going to propose and I shouldn’t have to push him, I deserve someone who’s happy to save for a ring and wants to marry me 🙁
Post # 3
Member
242 posts
Helper bee
I was kind of in the same position, he told me he was saving and wasnt. It took sitting him down and looking at ring options that he could afford that helped and now he bought a ring. I think for him it just seemed like such a big task (money wise, finding the perfect ring, finding the perfect place to get it etc), maybe you can try that?
Post # 4
Member
5206 posts
Bee Keeper
@Fiberoptic: Would you accept a proposal without a ring? Or is a ring the only proof (in your mind) that he really wants to marry you? I accepted a proposal without a ring, after an 11 year relationship mind you. We had other expenses that were more important than a ring to flaunt. If he’s blowing off proposing altogether then do what you feel is best as far as your relationship goes, but you can’t get mad at what he chooses to spend his money on.
Post # 5
Member
8471 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
I agree with nikkidrew90, maybe it’s just an overwhelming task for him. However, only you know whether this may be the case or if he’s just stringing you along. Have you considered telling him you don’t need a ring?
Post # 6
Member
905 posts
Busy bee
@Fiberoptic: Maybe he has a ring/has his eye on a ring/is paying off a ring/whatever but he just doesn’t want you to know? Maybe he feels because there’s a ‘deadline’ that there’s no surprise left, so he’s trying to make the ring a surprise?
Or, maybe he’s not ready for marriage? In which case, it’s time for some self-reflection. I can’t imagine how hard of a decision it is to pack up and leave. I am extremely grateful FI and I were always on the same page. But, you deserve to be happy and if happiness is a marriage then maybe moving on is the right thing.
Post # 7
Member
1279 posts
Bumble bee
In my opinion you have given him enough time. Even after a scare of losing you he couldn’t get his act together. I would say it is time to move on. If he wants you back so badly then he can buy a ring next time he sees you. I took someone back after being broken up for a year and I took him back without a ring and regretted it. We broke up 9 months later.
Post # 8
Member
4665 posts
Honey bee
I’m sorry, but I think he’s spelling out his intentions (or lack thereof) quite clearly.
Post # 9
Member
775 posts
Busy bee
@Fiberoptic: Gosh I am so sorry this happened to you. Does he usually get a year end bonus at work?
But I am completely with you he should not have bought frivolous things for himself if he was serious in proposing to you.
Post # 10
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee
@Fiberoptic: I’m so sorry my dear! A girlfriend of mine just had the same thing happen. She had set a deadline for the end of this year, and he told her he wasn’t going to meet that deadline at all.
She moved out 2 weeks ago 🙁
It sounds like he’s not respecting your time and effort in this relationship. Do you want to have children? Do you have to be married? Are you ok with never being married? Would you accept a proposal without a ring?
Post # 11
Member
47 posts
Newbee
@HappySky7: +1
I concur. If there was money for frivolity – there was money for an engagement ring. 🙁 So sorry.
Post # 12
Member
756 posts
Busy bee
@Fiberoptic: that’s pretty messed up. Maybe he doesn’t want to lose you but isn’t ready yet? My bf at the time spoke with me about timelines etc… i expected Christmas… Nope…then our 3 year was final straw ( in my head) and nothing! It was really hurtful and shocking but he did propose 4 months after anniversary and actually had the ring a month before proposing. My only suggestion is plan your life for you- don’t play wifey and get nothing back ie. dont put out- don’t be demanding but also let him know you are very hurt and you actually believed him that its what HE wanted too. if babies come in to play let him know your age requires semi immediate action to have a family. I don’t think ultimatums are good but you can go about life knowing what you are doing (saving money to move out/wedding fund?- etc… Are going to benefit you if it doesn’t go your way and your fed up. My boyfriend was shocked to learn that one of the rings I was in love with was a yellow sapphire. He was clueless and I told him anything can be an engagement ring- maybe that will take the $$$ pressure off. I feel for you though…it’s like be serious. I am happy now but I was livid on my 3 year!
Post # 13
Member
523 posts
Busy bee
@RobynNOLA: +1 to this!!
Seriously, if the guy has money to spend on himself but can’t scrape together a couple hundred for a ring it’s really showing me his priorities.
If I were you I would be VERY unimpressed with him right now and honestly he’d have to be giving me some mindblowingly compelling arguments why he deserves another minute of my time. 🙁 🙁
Post # 14
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
@Fiberoptic: Maybe this is a sign of what the marriage would look like…He seems to be in a selfish part of his life and maybe it would be good for you to see what else is out there. Either way, good luck,all the best!
Post # 15
Member
1649 posts
Bumble bee
You’re right, you do deserve to be happy and should not have to push him to propose nor make excuses for why he hasn’t done it. You’re 35 and know what you want and he should too at this point.
Good luck
Post # 16
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
I’m so sorry, but it sounds like his (in)actions are speaking for him. The good news, however; is that you’re only 35! I wouldn’t waste a second more on someone who won’t commit to you. Somewhere out there is the man who can’t wait to marry you, and won’t need to be “pushed” into it.
Even if he did propose to you, I’m afraid it might still make you (or him) resentful…like he only did it because you wanted him to so badly/forced his hand.
I’m sorry doll! The right one is out there.
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