- 4 months ago
I guess this is a little bit of a vent/ call for advice. For context:
FI & I don’t live together right now. We have a very traditional engagement. I have my own apartment in Queens for the past 3 years. Before that I lived with an ex. I went away for college. I HATED living with my parents my whole childhood (I won’t get into the alcoholism/abuse from my growing up- suffice it to say that I am 1000% not comfortable living with parents, which is in some ways my issue). I’m 27. FI is 32. He lives in an apartment above his parents & stayed home for college. No hate- as a result of his choices, he is far more secure financially than I am.
I love my FMIL. She has a very strong personality, she’s smart (put herself through pharmacy school), and she has been a great addition to my life (good person to turn to when I’ve had health issues, etc.). I’m no pharmacist, but in a lot of ways I feel like my FI is marrying somebody who reminds him of his mother.
With that said, my FMIL has a LOT of opinions and she is very aggressive in how she communicates them. I know that I do this as well, so it’s easy for me to spot. Lately I’m amazed by how quickly my FI will change his mind about something when his mother voices her opinion. In all honesty, she & I normally agree. Still, I know that this type of dynamic really stresses my FI out. I can tell he feels bombarded & pressured quite a bit. He’s already in therapy for putting too much pressure/expectation on himself so I know this doesn’t help. I’ve been trying to lighten up a lot on how I communicate things with him.
My in laws don’t have much of a concept of personal space with my FI. He does have his own apartment, but honestly… it’s a house. They all live in a house. Not to mention my FBIL is now home as well (no problems with my FBIL, he’s a nice guy). FI is often up late playing video games with his adult brother who doesn’t work (brother has a lot of depression issues and is very candid about hurting himself… an additional stressor on my FI. FI often drops everything to spend time with him & look for an opportunity to get him to start therapy/a job).
I don’t mean to compare my very broken family to my FI’s family, but I learned SO MUCH about myself after I left my parent’s home. I became happier, a bit less stressed out, & more able to have a healthy relationship with my parents. It also frees up a lot of space in my life to work on myself.
We have been looking for an apartment for July 1st (wedding July 21st), as I’d like to finish moving before the wedding & be all set after our honeymoon. FI now has a family friend with a beautiful house for rent in our price range that happens to be in the town we were looking at. It’s pretty perfect.
However, current tenants don’t move out until end of August. I’d never be such a brat that I’d make us pay a broker fee & find a different home simply Bc I can’t take 1 month with my in laws. However, I’m really nervous about the experience. FI & I will have enough to work out as newlyweds- I don’t want his parents influencing our time to settle. The few times we’ve argued at his house, I honestly feel weird Bc I feel like my in laws are within earshot.
FMIL & I have never butted heads, but if ever there is a time that we will, it will be with us living under the same roof. We are both wrong- in laws don’t give FI enough space & I take all of my family trauma into my FI’s house. I know I have issues with needing distance from immediate family.
FBIL have never butted heads either, but I can foresee myself not being happy with him playing video games in FI’s living room at 2am on a Sunday. I know it’ll feel like I’m living with a 12 year old & his family. Not nice I know, but I’m just being honest.
Not to mention the whole idea of moving into a space that was formerly my FI’s is odd to me. I always pictured us starting fresh.
I really want my FI to experience having his own home. 32 years (IMO) is a long time to have never had that. I think it’s really important to start off that way as a husband.
Anybody have any advice or a similar situation?
I should add* apparently tenants currently living in our new apartment are trying to buy a house- they asked for an extension for Sept 1st. Hopefully they are able to move out early, but I don’t want to count on it.