(Closed) VENT – the "just the girlfriend" slump has returned

posted 4 months ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
2385 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017 - Outside in Paris

I get this. I wouldn’t bring his future niece or nephew into a discussion about your relationship though. 

Post # 3
Member
3002 posts
Sugar bee

clipclop1023 :  Aw, I think it’s really cute your boyfriend is so excited about the new baby and talks about it constantly. I can also understand how this whole situation is making you feel even more sensitive about being “just a gf” – but if and when you bring this up to him (which I absolutely think you should), I would definitely not frame it as “you send me pics of the sonogram but forgot to reply to my question!” type thing. The two have nothing to do with each other, and in fact I would take it as a positive sign that he wants to share this stuff with you. While I wouldn’t read into it too much, i have a hard time imagining he’d be eagerly texting family sonogram pics to a woman he didn’t envision a future with himself.

Now in terms of the waiting situation – where do you guys stand on that? You say “we are ready” – but if that’s the case why aren’t you engaged? Do you have any kind of timeline? What type of things does your bf say when you have discussions about it? Hard to know how you should approach discussing it with him in the future without this info.

Post # 4
Member
1037 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

clipclop1023 :  So, the real question here is why aren’t you engaged?  

Post # 5
Member
1689 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Have you talked to him about getting engaged? I think it’s only natural to be thinking these things while celebrating big events.

I would be honest and tell him how excited you are for him and his family and that the life events are making you think about your own relationship and your desire to marry him and be a part of the family.

See how it goes from there!

Post # 8
Member
2385 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017 - Outside in Paris

I know. 

I think you should sit down and have the “what’s the 10 year plan” & “what’s the 5 year plan”

Post # 9
Member
6100 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

clipclop1023 :  I think you need to have a discussion with him about the future. It’s been 3 years, and you guys are adults. You say it’s on the path and you’re ready….so what is the hold up?

Post # 10
Member
3002 posts
Sugar bee

clipclop1023 :  “I also told him i’m not in a rush and he knows this.”

But you kind of are in a rush, if you’re posting a vent about it online and feeling sad about not being part of his family. And there’s nothing wrong with that! You’ve been with him for three years…you’re hardly jumping the gun by wanting to take things to the next level. 

Please don’t feel like you have to play the part of the cool girl and act all breezy and unconcerned just so your bf doesn’t think you’re desperate or something. Because it’s clear that breezy and unconcerned is not how you actually feel, and nor should you. I think the time is ripe for another chat. Just pick up where you left off – something like “hey awhile back we talked about getting engaged, just wanted to check in and see where your head is on that?”

Good luck bee. 

Post # 11
Member
440 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I agree with PP that it seems like you kind of are in a rush – or maybe “rush” isn’t the right word here. I think you’re very ready to be engaged but are trying to downplay it in order to come across as non-pressuring to your boyfriend, and also probably in an attempt to ease your own mind during this waiting process. 

As previously mentioned, sit down and discuss with him that all these recent happy events have been making you think more about your own upcoming happy events. There’s nothing wrong with stating you’d like to be engaged soon, or having an ideal timeline for major life changes to happen. Many couples have this conversation. It’s been 3 years, openly communicating about your relationship isn’t pressuring.

As a sidenote, my SO’s sister just had her first child. I can totally relate to your feeling left out. Hearing her refer to him as Uncle and me by just my name stung a little. 

Post # 12
Member
8016 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

clipclop1023 :  We have talked about getting engaged, but I also told him i’m not in a rush

well then why are you rushing him that you no longer want to just be the girlfriend.  you are contradicting yourself. 

 

Post # 13
Member
1190 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

clipclop1023 :  I feel you.

FI had me pick out a ring. And then I had to wait.

And wait. It was hard.

But recent events have given me perspective. It’s just a ring and you’re only 25. You have tons of time.

Focus on other aspects in your life. Like your family and friends. Try not to get carried away with the obsessions and social pressure weddings have. It’s just not worth it. There are so many other things in life that are more important than a wedding.

Post # 14
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee

clipclop1023 :  Sweetie, I’m one of the last people to cut an ass-dragging SO some slack- but in your case, DUDE IS NOT A MINDREADER. He has no freaking clue that other people’s weddings and engagements and uncle-to-be tee shirts are making you feel ‘just a girlfriend’. Because despite your opening paragraph you’re NOT having open honest conversations about weddings and engagements, you’re talking in vague someday hypotheticals while you pretend to be all chill and in no rush. Stop worrying about being Cool Girl and have an actual honest conversation with him. 

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