(Closed) Vent: When FFIL Calls You a SUMO WRESTLER. I Am Going to Snap

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
47216 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

moviegoer23:  You do have to catch them in the act. It’s not going to have any effect if you bring up something that happened 3 weeks ago.

The next time one of them says something inappropriate, call them on it “It is very hurtful when you _______ (call me names, criticize my cooking etc). Remember what Thumper’s mother said: If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”

Your Fiance also needs to be standing up for you. The two of you need to have a talk and make a plan on how you are jointly going to handle this. You can start be agreeing that you will see his parents every other weekend, which will leave you with a Sunday to spend together or go see your parents.

The other thing I would insist on , is changing the locks. I’m just not ok with someone coming in and out of my home whenever they choose. I would stll give them a key, but state that it is only to be used for emergencies or at our request. Again, this is FI’s place to deal with them.

Post # 3
Member
278 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Haddonfield, NJ

In reference to PP – I’m not sure if changing the lock, then giving them a copy of the key to the new lock would be any good, since you’d be in the same situation that you started with..

And I’m going to say this – this family is verbally abusing you. The things they are saying are cruel. And there is NOTHING wrong with saying “Hey, all that awful stuff you’ve been saying needs to stop.” You are within your rights to quote things they’ve said in the past. You don’t owe them niceties, or good timing, or sugar coating. They certainly haven’t offered any of that to you. If your Fiance won’t say anything on your behalf (which WHOA) you have every right to say something. It’s happening to YOU. 

Stay strong, bee. You don’t deserve any of that!

Post # 4
Member
1450 posts
Bumble bee

You need to call out your FFILs when they say/do something hurtful — right when it happens.  The next time they call you a sumo wrestler or judges your weight, say “Excuse me but calling me a sumo wrestler is a very painful comment to me.  I do not appreciate being judged about my weight, it makes me feel upset and like I’m being bullied when you make such negative judgments about me in front of family.  I don’t want to feel like everytime we spend time together, that I am being negatively judged and criticized.”

The big thing here is, your Fiance needs to get off his ass and step up to his parents and protect you.  Anytime they say anything negative or comes over uninvited, he needs to be very strong/assertive in telling them that this is a boundary they cannot cross.  And if they continue to behave this way, he needs to show them how serious he is by cutting off contact for awhile (like for a significant period of time like 30 days).  Also, spending every weekend with them is way too much.  You need to learn to be stronger in standing up for yourself and your relationship, and make it clear to your Fiance that you need time for yourselves and also the ability to visit your family.

Sounds like the two of you have some boundary issues you both need to work on.

Post # 5
Member
3682 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Never in a million years would I marry into a family like this. 

Post # 6
Hostess
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

My Future In-Laws are no charmers – but my fiance’ stands up for me when they are jerks.  I wouldn’t marry a man who didn’t have my back.  

Post # 7
Member
4084 posts
Honey bee

cmbr:  Ditto.

OP – as PPs have said, you need to confront them in the act. Also, why doesn’t your Fiance stand up for you? That would be a major red flag to me. Do you want to live your life with this family and a husband who won’t even defend you?

ETA – AND YOU NEED TO CHANGE YOUR LOCKS. And DO NOT – I repeat – DO NOT give them a spare key.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by  BMoreBecc.
Post # 8
Member
1167 posts
Bumble bee

I would say something.  One of the reasons I left my ex-DH is because his family (very Asian conservative) has spent 10 years of my life verbally abusing me.  I was once 100 and my nickname was “fat girl” said in front of my face for 10 years–weight gain or not. 

When I talked to my ex-DH about this, he would chalk it up to being “family” and traditional.  Eventually, I realized what their scheme truly was.  They tried to break me down.  They stopped me from trying to graduate my bachelors, or even attaining my Master’s.  Now that I am more educated them my ex and has a better job with an international firm, they tried another tactic–physical intimidation.  They once left me out of the “adult” table and made me sit with the kids at the children’s table for thanksgiving.  At the time I was 11 years younger than my ex-DH, but for me age did not matter.  I guess for them, it did.  My ex-DH never backed me up, and when the time came that one of the ex inlaws got sick, guess who took care of them?  Me.  The abuse continued and I told my ex Darling Husband that I would like for him to stand up for me when he sees his parents badmouthing me so that I’ll have more incentive to work on our crumbling marriage.  He says, “You are not my family, my kid and my parents are.”  That was it.  I was gone the next day and never looked back. 

Family is important to me too, but my spouse becomes my family and I would not tolerate ANYONE badmouthing my spouse in front of me.  That is both rude and uncalled for, and if they want to argue then they should fight like adults and not children.  Marriage is a partnership and although my partner may have faults, my stance is that the family should come to ME about it, and I would talk to my partner instead of passive aggressive anger during family events. 

I don’t care about HOW your Future Father-In-Law treats you, you should take this to YOUR own fiance.  Tell him that you care about equality in partnership and if his family will treat you like second class citizen, and your Fiance allows this abuse, then it’s as if he is abusing you himself.  Let him decide how he wants to react to this, and if he still cannot back you up, I suggest you think hard bout this marriage.  Take it from someone who has once been in your shoes. 

Post # 9
Member
17 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2016

These people are mean. Like absolutely no excuse for the things they have said to you, just plain mean. I would try having a serious talk with my Fiance about boundaries and drastically cutting back on the time spent with his family. Honestly, I would have some serious second thoughts about marrying into this, it’s only going to get worse once you’re married and have kids – can you imagine? It seems like you are maybe a bit of people pleaser and I get it because I totally am too, anything to not create waves. Unfortunately this is a situation you are going to have to stand up for yourself and make some waves as much as I’m sure you’d like to avoid that. Best of luck!

Post # 10
Member
774 posts
Busy bee

moviegoer23:  You sound like a pretty awesome woman and I feel for you. I have gone through having mom with cancer, and if my inlaws had treated me like this during that fragile time, I would have snapped on them. Kudos to you for an inordinate amount of patience.

That said, the time is now to start being firm and speaking up for yourself. Try to be polite, but be mean if you have too. “This is my house and I don’t appreciate you showing up in the middle of the day only to criticize me for my house later, without any regard for what I have been busy doing this week.” If they get all huffy and “why, whatevveerrr do you meeeaaann?”, just don’t back down. Stand your ground and then show up later with wine for regular family dinners in a great mood like everything is fine. You don’t want them to think you are mad at them, but you don’t have to take the comments anymore either.

Post # 11
Member
8584 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

What everybody said, espcially CHANGE THE LOCKS.  That would  drive me insane, worse  even than the insults .

You really must get  FI to take them to tasks on the insults though . Much better if HE says  ‘hey dad, don’t speak to moviegoer like that , it’s rude and hurtful’  If you do it, chances are you wil get upset and tongue tied.  It will be hard for him though , funny though Everybody Loves Raymond is, it has painful truths in it  as you must know better than anybody!

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