- 4 years ago
For the record, I believe that I am a pretty patient individual.
Boundaries are hard for my Fiance and my Future In-Laws. The system feels pretty enmeshed to me, but both of FI’s parents have been very ill on and off throughout his life, so I assumed that the Everybody Loves Raymond closeness was because he lives each moment with them like it might be their last.
I moved in with Fiance in December and we are getting married in September. We wanted to wait until we were married to live together, but life and finances got in the way and so we decided to make the best of the situation. My Future In-Laws live within walking distance of us. We spend at least one full day per weekend with them, which feels like a lot of time to me because typically Fiance and I will spend Saturday running errands and all day Sunday with them, which leaves no time for us and no time for my family, who only live 40 minutes away. I’ve started to notice that my Future In-Laws are over at our house a lot when we are not there. At least once per week there is a note from one of his parents on our kitchen counter for us. Typically, they are doing nice things like checking on our dog or doing something in the yard. While these things are really really nice and I appreciate them, I feel like I have no privacy. I never know when they are coming over. Future Mother-In-Law is a “neat as a pin” kind of person, while I am definitely the kind of person who will air dry my bras on the bathroom door after I wash them. Future Mother-In-Law keeps making all kinds of comments about how she has to teach me how to clean house and to cook. She criticizes my cooking (has from day 1), so now I just bring wine or something store bought to her house on the weekends. She keeps telling Fiance that he is gaining weight because I just feed him junk, which is hard to hear because I am a plus sized bride and I’m doing my best to be healthy, especially with the wedding so close. She tells him in front of me that “no one want to look chumpy on their wedding day.” Fiance is thin as a rail, and her comments hurt me. Now she is telling her extended family that I better hurry and get a paying job so that we can afford to hire a house keeper, because I “leave a lot to be desired in the domestic category.” I’ve tried explaining to her that work 80+ hours a week and that, while I’m not being paid during my fellowship, I will make money someday.
This weekend, Future Father-In-Law told me that my Fiance is much older than I am and that he will die if I don’t start “helping out around the house a little.” What. The. Heck. I confronted my Fiance about this and he swears that he has never said anything to anyone about me not being helpful. Just two weeks ago, Future Father-In-Law was there as Fiance and I ripped out his old grass and put down new sod, and Future Father-In-Law told me that I am a “sumo wrestler” because I “look useless and like [I] can’t do anything, but [I’m] pretty strong and hard working.” Yes. He recently called me a SUMO WRESTLER, and now he is saying that I am driving my Fiance to an early grave because I’m not helpful enough. Apparently he has been over more frequently lately and has noticed that the laundry basket looks full, the house isn’t vacuumed, etc. I tried to explain to him that, yes, I have not been as helpful as normal in the past two weeks, but I am working, single handedly planning a wedding AND I’ve spent the last two weeks in the hospital with my mother, who has cancer.
This past weekend, FI’s aunts threw us a wedding shower. It was so sweet and it was clear that they worked so hard to make it nice. I was so appreciative, but I also felt bad because they were not allowing us to help. My FFILs made a big deal about how the aunts almost collapsed out of exhaustion and I just felt even worse. At the shower, I was pressured to give a speech. Between my mom being sick and just feeling really overwhelmed by how sweet FI’s aunts were to throw us this party, my emotions were everywhere. I started to cry, and Fiance didn’t do anything to bail me out. So here I am blubbering my thanks in front of 50 people, more embarassed than I have ever been in my life, and my Future In-Laws start making comments about how stupid I look when I fake cry.
In addition to being freaked out because I have so much to do for this wedding in such a limited amount of time while trying to be supportive of my mom and my patients at work, I am being adult bullied. I’ve asked Fiance to address it in the past and nothing gets done. At what point in time can I respectfully stand up for myself? And how do I even start that conversation? Is it like potty training a puppy where you have to catch them in the act? Have you been adult bullied in the past? How did you handle it?