- 10 years ago
- Wedding: July 2011
I just needed a place to vent. It’s very hard to end a friendship of many years. While I feel it’s probably justified it’s just been rough on me. Here is the latest situation with my BF of many years that made believe its probably time to move on.
For her birthday this past year I tried to make plans but she very vague. The morning of I called and left her a voice saying Happy Birthday and I hope that the day and the year ahead are all she hopes for. Later that afternoon, I get a BBM from her stating, “can’t believe you. I see you true colors, forget you”. I was a little shocked by that and wrote back “huh, I’m confused”. Well the message wouldn’t go through because she deleted me from BBM. A mutual friend calls shortly after to say that the reason she behaved that way because it had hit mid-afternoon and my BFF hadn’t heard for me. I let the friend know I had in fact called that morning but she did not pick up so I left a message.
My gut reaction is there obviously something else going on here or a deeper issue. If we’ve been friends for so long why react that way. I was so pissed because the behavior seems so immature. So my girlfriend informs her to check her voicemail. She does and realizes I in fact have left a message. Now here’s the kicker! She calls me and leaves me a rude message saying, “I got your message but it wasn’t very enthusiastic. When you are ready to tell me what your problem is then give me a call”. At this point I’m thrown and pissed. I can’t believe that the situation is now my fault. To make matters worse she tells our mutual friend that she believes I tapped in to her voice account to leave the message. I didn’t actually call. Really!!!! This entire thing just seems so psychotic to me. I send her a note saying that her behavior is out of control and I no longer wish to deal with it or her if she is going to behave that way. When she responds it’s completely defensive and there is absolutely no accountability for her behavior.
For the next 7 months we barely speak. The 3-4 times that we do speak it’s just not the same to me. Primarily because at no point has she felt the need to apologize. Last month I got engaged. She does not have a relationship with my fiancé and we haven’t spoke in months. Two weeks after the engagement we select a date and a mutual friend mentions the engagement. Within 24 hours I receive a phone call from her saying how upset she is that I didn’t inform her of my engagement and that she doesn’t deserve to be treated this way. I told her that while this is a life-changing situation we haven’t spoken in months and my engagement doesn’t change the dynamic or excuse anything. I told her she refuses to take responsibility for her behavior. To date she still hadn’t apologized for how she acted. Furthermore, her irrational behavior is not cool. She responds the she isn’t going to now explain herself after all these months but it’s not a reason enough to cut her out of my life. So I responded with the following.
Reason 1: You constantly talk about me behind my back and make snide comments to others. When I confronted you about it you say it’s no true. However others have said you do. Specifically I was told you talk about how crazy you believe I am on a regular basis.
Reason 2: You hated my first husband and were always nasty to him. When we got engaged you weren’t happy for me or even showed that were. Despite that you wanted to be a bridesmaids. My ex-husband wouldn’t have it and I didn’t have the heart to say it. So to spare your feelings I didn’t include any of my friends in the bridal party. I told you it would be family only to make things easier. You then skipped my bridal shower, showed up late to the wedding, and then spent the entire reception talking shit and saying you didn’t want to be there. You weren’t discreet and afterwards you told me of your behavior and felt there should be no apologies for it.
Reason 3: When I was going through my painful divorce from my ex I reached out to you for support. You were there for me. However, there was an incident that was totally uncalled for. When we were at work one day I got in to a heated argument with our mutual boss. It got ugly and he began to retaliate by throwing out personal aspects of my relationship. They were personal things about me that I shared with you. Then you had the nerve to share those things with him. He ended the conversation saying, “maybe when you get rid of that husband of yours you’ll get better at other things in your life”. I quit that day and you never asked what happened. Had it come from my mother maybe I could have dealt with that. But to come from a man I have no relationship with because you felt the need to share my personal information just seemed unacceptable. When confronted you felt it was no big deal. You said and I quote “you knew I talked to him all the time, big deal”. Most people would have ended the friendship then but I still didn’t.
I didn’t get to highlight anything else because she broke in to tears to say despite that she still didn’t deserve this. She wished me congrats (seemed very genuine) and said she found my refusal to deal or talk with her confusing. She said we should be sharing this happy time. She couldn’t understand how I wouldn’t share this news. Well I didn’t share it because I believe this happy moment should overshadow or excuse everything else that has occurred. However, despite everything I felt guilty after the call. Well because ending a relationship this long is tough. Her crying hit a spot with me. I know she was hurt but then again so am I. She said she deserved the right to talk it out with me. Part of the reason I hadn’t is because the times that we did attempt to talk she constantly placed the blame for things on me. While I believe in some cases there are things I could have done differently there’s no way I am the only one who should be held accountable. When does she take responsibility or even apologize for her behavior?
A couple days later I conceded and said we could talk. We decided to meet in person. That morning it iced and snowed and I decided it was best to cancel. My company even told us all to work from home. I let her know I wouldn’t make it and that we should reschedule. She responded with one word “fine”.
I never called to set up another time to meet. Something just didn’t feel right to me. A couple of days later our close friend told me not to bother. She said she was pissed that I cancelled and that as far as she’s concerned she doesn’t think she can forgive me for not telling her about the engagement and not meeting that day. Sh also has said I’m cruel for not talking it out and walking away. My fiancé said to just walk away and leave it alone and stick to my guns. He’s not a fan of her.
Despite all this I still feel guilty and as we are doing our guest list it was weird not seeing her name. Our mutual friends keep asking if I am going to send an invite to the wedding. Ugh, why do I feel bad for sticking by what I think is right? It just all seems very unhealthy.