(Closed) VENT: Why do men have to “complete” so much sh&t before they can propose?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

Awww! I can see why you would feel frustrated. But it sounds like he is really serious and committed to you for the long haul. Hang in there! I hope your proposal comes sooner than you expect!

🙂

Post # 4
Member
7291 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think some of his things are very rational and others may be more so indicators that he is not ready to be having children and or making the commitment.

I  see a difference in expectations in both your lives. You guys are in totally different places, and I think your desires/expectations may be scary for someone 10 months into the relationship.  I have read all of your past posts, and it seems like the past 10 months also hasn’t been the most smoothest of times either. 

Anyways, I hope things move quicker than expected and everything works out well!

Post # 5
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

He isn’t ready. Plain and simple. 

Post # 6
Member
1697 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

He sounds very reasonable! I know it sucks to wait and that your clock is ticking but he sounds like a great guy and worth waiting for! I was the one who wanted all our ducks in a row before being engaged and I gave in. I just wanted to be MARRIED! I said no to his first proposal and accepted a couple months later after realizing we would be FINE if we got married and that yes, having x, y, and z is impotant but I saw his ( and your Point) we can have all that in time.

 And I would NOT move my son out of his current place. My Fiance moved in with us, it is important to keep things constant for kids. We didn’t want to live together unitl we were married but he was laid off for so long we had no choice.

Post # 7
Member
1140 posts
Bumble bee

I can understand your frustration but he sounds like a really great guy and that he will make a fantastic husband. It just sounds like he really wants to take care of you and have everything in place for it to go smoothly. He sounds like my guy…a strategic but GREAT man. Try to hang in there…I know it’s easier said than done.

Post # 8
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@mwitter80:  “He isn’t ready. Plain and simple.”


I unfortunately have to agree:( A lot of his reasons are reasonable…and a couple are a little odd. He has to take YOUR feelings into account also. You said you don’t feel comfortable living together with your son and not be engaged. This is something you should talk about together.

Post # 9
Member
5170 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

@Eva Peron:  Ditto.

 

I actually think his reasons sound like quite healthy and self-aware ones. In any event, it is not for anyone else to determine whether he has enough reasons not to be ready or not. He is not ready. 

While I appreciate you are concerned about having a child, you are not suddenly going to go from being unable to carry a child at 35, from where you are a year before that, barring any truly major event. I also think it is is going to work against you to try and speed up a relationship to meet a deadline you have imposed on someone else who is not there yet for whatever their reasons are.

Waiting a year is far from unecessary of one of you is just not ready.

 

That does not mean you should not be able to talk in an open dialogue about your concerns about moving your child, and such.

Post # 10
Member
78 posts
Worker bee

I agree!  I feel like SO has been waiting for the perfect time to do everything based on some criteria in his head that I don’t really understand.  There’s never a perfect time for anything and life will always throw challenges in your way.  I am afraid of missing out on wonderful things because we are always waiting for the right time, after we’ve done this, after we’ve done that.  sigh…

Post # 12
Member
823 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

He does sound like a very prudent guy, and very sweet too! But I am also a firm believer that there is never a “perfect” time to make some life decisions. Sure, my fiance and I could probably have a lot of money saved for a wedding before getting engaged, or we could have been saving for a donwpayment on a house first, or find jobs in an area where we want to settle down — but honestly, none of that stuff mattered. I think people do this with children too. Looking for the perfect place and time, especially financially, but sometimes it just has to happen in its own time. 🙂 Good luck to you though! Your guy seems really awesome. 

Post # 13
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@JewishBride:  I agree too.  This “list” sounds like he isn’t ready at all.  These things are good guidelines, but they should NOT be reasons why you shouldn’t get married.

After all, wouldn’t you want to tackle those things together as a team?  A MARRIED team?

OP, please let him handle paying off his own debts.  I know that you have a child to look after as it is and it seems like your biological clock is ticking in your ear very loudly.  I don’t have much advice to offer you except that if he honestly did want to marry you, none of those things would matter.

 

Post # 14
Member
2863 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@ViaMinorViator:  Truth. You need to quit pushing before you end up married to someone who resents you because you basically bullied him into it. 

Post # 16
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m not one to make excuses for a guy who is dragging his feet. But in this case, your SO has been dealing with an awful lot that is out of the ordinary. I know you’ve only been together 10 months, but at your ages I honestly don’t think that is a big deal. If you were 19 and 20 I might be more skeptical. But my sister and her Darling Husband were early 30s when they met and they were married eight months after meeting, and they will celebrate their 10th anniversary this summer. Based on what you’ve described, I think your SO is serious about a future with you and a proposal is coming in his own time when he is ready…. FWIW. Hang in there, Mrs. Harmony.

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