(Closed) VENT: Why do men have to “complete” so much sh&t before they can propose?

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
2868 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Aww.  I know what you mean… but it means he does truly care about your future together.  I know my Fiance wouldn’t propose until he paid off all his debt, because he didn’t want to make that my problem.   However, I’m sure he’ll be worth the wait 🙂

Post # 33
132 posts
Blushing bee

 Wait–what happened to you getting Married in May??? I feel like we missed something. The last we heard of your wedding was that it was happening super soon becasue of his cancer and your desire to have kids. He wrote a note to his family and they flipped out and now you’re not getting married for a while.


Something happened. SOMETHING


If he put his foot down to his parents then caved-that’s not a good sign.

Post # 37
650 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

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@MsMamaBear:  100% agreed.

He wants to do what he thinks he needs to do to set up his life so he can be the supportive partner/stepfather you need him to be. While some of the things men want to do before they propose seem stupid, to him they mean something. He wants to create a life with you and this is what he feels he needs to do…so the best you can do is keep openly talking about it, be supportive, and wait. If you can make it through his cancer, you can make it through this.

Post # 38
2861 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m sorry if you feel I am being unkind. You seem like a very sweet girl and of course I have sympathy for waiting bees as I’m sure waiting for something as huge as a marriage proposal is hard. However I can only go off of what you yourself have put out there. The issues you have presented go way beyond waiting, that is the least of it.

I feel like I am in the Twlight Zone because you don’t seem to see any problem with your situation meanwhile myself and literally 15+ people who PMed me are all wondering how you can not see the red flags a’ waving. It is your life and you will do what you want, but when you come here and present your life to a public message board then the public will honestly respond. If no one cared no one would respond and after the way you shoot down any mention that your plan is anything but picture perfect I doubt I will be responding anymore either. Why bother? if someone wants to make horrible choices then no amount of gentle or not so gentle sounding the alarm will do a thing. Best of luck to you and your child. 

Post # 39
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

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@mixtapehearts:  agree 100%. OP, maybe you need to go back and reread some of your posts, and look at them like a total stranger would. What kind of advice would you give yourself?

Post # 40
3306 posts
Sugar bee

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@Mrs. Harmony:  This doesn’t make sense to me… So because your FSH levels are fine and you have plenty of follicles, he decides not to get married in May like you both originally agreed on…

I am very sorry but this would not fly with me. I am already upset for you because you can not go to his sister’s wedding, now I find out he is “postponing” your wedding also. He is not, has not stood up for you…. He tries but then he goes back on it. You both are a serious dating social unit. He needs to causes rifts because YOU are going to be his WIFE.

While he has a few very valid reasons for waiting, others are some that are just BS, especially pulling the stunt above. He should want to marry you because he loves you, not based on your number of follicles or your FSH levels. When you are in the relationship, you are blind to certain things. We outside of the box are telling you that there are HUGE red flags. Stand up for yourself. Do not let the situation pacify you.

Post # 41
3218 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

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@armychica06: He should want to marry you because he loves you, not based on your number of follicles or your FSH levels.

I agree with this.  You don’t wait for the 10k or the better credit when you’re really certain about marrying someone?  I could understand wanting some hair for his wedding photos but even then, my Fiance would put on a hat before pushing the wedding back.  Yes, finances are important, but none of these seem like issues that necessitate him being single. 

I would, however, understand if he wanted to wait to have children before he had his finances in order.  But he’s putting off the whole wedding, so it doesn’t add up for me.

Post # 42
330 posts
Helper bee

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I see your points but I don’t think it’s a bad idea for them to wait to get married, although maybe not all of his reasons to wait make sense. Frankly, I think if I was the OP, *I’d* be the one who would want to wait, because I wouldn’t want to sign up for that IL situation for LIFE before being SURE we as a couple were able to handle it.

Maybe the mistake was planning to rush the marriage when they thought they had more serious fertility concerns. Being worried about fertility, IMO, is not a good reason to get married.

Post # 43
2259 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m confused as well. I realize I don’t know your bf personally but money, most of the things on the ‘list’ don’t make sense to me. My now-husband, proposed with a ring I didn’t even know he had based on where we were financially. He found a way and did not get into debt. Also, I was physically very sick at the time. Most things were not ‘ok’ or anywhere near perfect. That didn’t stop him and shouldn’t really be a factor for most guys. Marriage is something you tackle together, perfect situation or not. If this is how he is now, I can’t help but imagine what he will be like when the going gets tough after the wedding. :/ 

Post # 44
203 posts
Helper bee

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@Mrs. Harmony:  

I’m sorry, I’m afraid I can’t get into anything to do with pregnancy/IVF as I don’t have children and unfortunately now never will. But hey ho, them’s the breaks.

Nor am I going to judge. You’ve needed to vent and I believe this is a ‘safe’ place to do that.

So, you asked the question of why men feel the need to complete so much before proposing.  As a fellow Waiting Bee Wink here’s my take:

Maybe it is all just down to that old caveman thinking of being the provider; and, consciously or not, unless a man feels he can provide (materially, financially, emotionally or otherwise), he simply won’t do what he isn’t ready for.

Hope that helps, even a little.

Post # 45
9816 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@mixtapehearts:  “Everytime I see you post I know exactly what is coming.” 

Ditto. I always hold out the hope something has changed though. I feel bad for OP, and I really feel bad for her son. Not going to FSIL’s wedding speaks volumes about how much has “changed.”

You can have a baby without putting up with practically anything to do it.

Post # 46
1433 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House

I feel like your Boyfriend or Best Friend doesn’t really want to get married.  He was going to get married if you had low FSH and follicles?  Are you serious? 

I think you need to take a step back and really think about what you’re wanting in life.  Do you want to get married, or do you want to be with this man?  Do you want to have a bio child, or do you want to help him complete his checklist? 

I think this man loves himself more than he loves you (sorry to say….) and that his checklist is pretty much a stall.  If you two were in the same place, you’d be engaged and getting married.  You’re not in the same place.  You’ve only been together 10 months and have had so much drama to deal with.  Slow down, smell the roses, and get to know eachother. 

The topic ‘VENT: Why do men have to “complete” so much sh&t before they can propose?’ is closed to new replies.

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