(Closed) VENT: Why do men have to “complete” so much sh&t before they can propose?

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 62
275 posts
Helper bee

Girl, you need to chill out! I understand wanting to settle down and start a family. I get that, I really do. BUT, if you go back and read your posts you will see that it’s been your number one goal. Every time you post there is a common thread, you want to have babies and get married. Even with your boyfriend before this one. I’m sure you’re a really sweet girl and I feel bad that your situation is the way it is. Please though, take a step back and chill out. Let your poor man recover and have fun with the child you already have. You’re in a position that a lot of the TTC girls would love to be in, having a child already. Enjoy it and don’t take it for granted.

Post # 63
34 posts
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’ve never been in your situation but my Fiance has. His ex Girlfriend before me was 5 years older than him, and they were dating when he was 25 and she was 30. Fiance was still very recently established with his career then (he just moved to a ‘real’ job with a good pay) and just moved into the city. And same as your SO’s parents, FI’s dad did not agree on their relationship… not because they did not like FI’s ex, but because Fiance will have to be ready to get married and have a family if he was moving forward with her, and FI’s dad knew that it was not what Fiance wanted. They were in different phase of life; the ex was ready to settle down and have a family, whereas SO just recently built his career. 

They ended up breaking up, not because of the dad’s disaproval but because Fiance understood that his dad’s concerns were valid. He was not ready to settle down, and if he continued dating his ex it would be unfair for her because she would have to wait few more years until he was ready. You brought up about difference between men and women about being ready to get married, that is absolutely true. Fiance always told me that if you’re ready to get married, you’re ready in whatever phase you are. But I told him that it’s not true with him. He couldn’t settle down when he was barely established in his career and had no house, etc etc. He admitted that I might be right, that the timing DOES matter. In our relationship, he was the one who kept pushing to get married soon because he is now ready to settle down. He is currently in a completely different situation than before when he was dating his ex. He has a good career, owns a house, is in a good shape in his mortgage, has savings & investments, etc. For me meanwhile, I was freaking out about the whole marriage idea when I was in college, but a year after I’m out I feel that I am very much ready to settle down. I will be 25 by the wedding and he will be 32.

This is by no means to discourage you in your relationship. Every couple is different… but I can understand your SO’s concern about wanting to save money, establish his credit, and the master’s degree. Unlike us, these things matters to (most of) them. But again not all men are the same… I have seen a lot of my male friends that got married at a young age when they weren’t established at their career and still depending on their parents. But they felt that they were ready, and they were. 

In My Humble Opinion the fact is that both of you are in different stages of life… you are ready to settle and he is still trying to work things out with his life and get it figured out, with the cancer even complicates thing. You probably need to sit down and talk it out with him to find a middle ground that will work for the relationship. Hope everything will work out for you, best of luck to you both!

Post # 64
132 posts
Blushing bee

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@tcanne:  Even with your boyfriend before this one

this 1000000000%

Post # 65
867 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

There’s a good chance that the OP is setting off some serious alarm bells with her boyfriends family.

If you were just diagnosed with cancer, wouldn’t spending time with the ones you love be the most important thing?  You almost DIED.  

If my child was dating someone who was trying to rip me away from me and my family after we struggled through almost losing him?  I would be telling him to get out, NOW.

Seriously.  Cancer?  And you want to talk about getting married and having babies?  Honestly, what are you thinking?  Are you even thinking at all about him?

That’s just me though, maybe other families are different.  But I am telling you that what it looks like to his family is that you do not have his best interests at heart and have an agenda that is all your own.

Post # 66
3306 posts
Sugar bee

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@tcanne:  OMG- I just realized that she was here about the prior boyfriend and this guy is a new one. OP, give it some time. This new guy J must feel so overwhelmed- he clearly loves you since he is saying and doing anything to make you happy but he isn’t ready. He won’t be for a while- he is dealing with cancer and your relationship is only 6 months old.

I know you want to get on with things but please realize this is too fast considering the circumstances for your age. Marriage should be the last thing from your mind right now- he has too much going on and there is too much family drama.

Post # 67
147 posts
Blushing bee

I’m calling BS on most of them. If he’s worried what his parents think, forget it! If he wants to displace your child and potencially decide he doesn’t want to get married the misery your kid will go into is just sad. Money is stupid if your making a lot and while I understand wanting college and hair, prioritizing your life especially after something traumatic is important. He’s essentially placing all these things before you. 

You already had an agreement of May, he’s backing out of it? Why? These can’t be the real serious reasons he’s postponing your life together. Please please please let me know how this unfolds! 



The topic ‘VENT: Why do men have to “complete” so much sh&t before they can propose?’ is closed to new replies.

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