(Closed) Vent: Yet another friend is engaged :(

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 18
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee

@Lillianna:  yes, good answer.

i know people like to say marriage is jus a piece of paper. I see their point, but to me, the fact that the other person won’t commit to the paper is an issue.

stand your ground.

Post # 19
Member
835 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Lillianna: Exactly!

You just solved your problem right there! in your reply to rockstar33. Do what you have to do and what’s going to make you happy. Like I said before, please don’t waste a few more years for the same results. Itsounds like you need to figure this out soon. I’m not saying pressure him, but really consider what you need to do for yourself. Don’t let that oppotunity pass. 

Post # 20
Member
2303 posts
Buzzing bee

I would say that you have some things to worry about if he won’t even respond to how he sees you in 5 years. He may be really comfortable as things are and not want to commit to you further because he is getting everything that he wants as it is. 

However, maybe everytime he gets close you ask him about marriage and proposing and maybe it feels like, to him, that he can’t even surprise you with a proposal or take the lead in advancing your relationship. You never know. 

I hate situations like this because I feel like if the guy really wanted to surprise the girl, there are plenty of opportunities and you don’t have to drag it out, but at the same time I know sometimes girls can be too aggressive in trying to talk about the future of the relationship….

Only you can decide which of these things apply to you because you know your relationship the best. 

Good luck!

Post # 21
Member
652 posts
Busy bee

It sounds like he’s been pretty forthcoming about how he feels about you. He doesn’t want to marry you after all this time and he doesn’t see that changing. 

Is there any way you can stay with your sister for a while? I’d move out ASAP and not let this consume one minute more of my energy OR fertile years.

Post # 22
Member
5317 posts
Bee Keeper

It took me and my Fiance 5 years to get engaged, and we are also in our 30s. Neither of us really thought seriously about it until around 4 years together (It just took us that long to really be sure). Please don’t get too anxious about it! You’re still young, there’s still lots of time!

However, have a serious discussion with your SO. Does he really not see himself marrying you? If you want marriage in your future, maybe it’s not worth spending much more time in a relationship with someone who may not be considering that road. I’ll tell you, in my case my Fiance and I would sometimes argue earlier in the relationship about whether or not we could see ourselves marrying each other “if nothing changed” (i.e., one of us was telling the other one we are really unhappy with a specific thing they were doing), but 95% of the time or more, we would conclude that we could see ourselves marrying each other. If your SO mostly says he does not see himself marrying you ever, I think he is only a temporary SO, not the one you will spend your life with.

Post # 23
Member
249 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

It’s easier said than done but you need to be patient.

You can’t compare your relationship with other people’s relationship. I have a friend that has been with her SO for 9 years and they are still not engaged they don’t live together either. My Fiance and I moved in together a bit after our 2 year aniversery and got engaged about 8 months after we moved in together.

I’m not goint to say that I have never compared my relationship to others, because I have.  And when we moved in together I was worried that it was too soon and it was all because my friend is with her SO for 9 years and they still haven’t moved in together.

If other people are ready to marry their SO afther 10 months, then that’s them. Were you ready at 10 months?

Post # 24
Member
1335 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

If your gut is telling you that this probably isn’t going to happen, then you should probably listen to your instincts.  I’m sorry  =o(  Based on what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like he’s ready for a committment to anyone.  He might be the wrong guy for you or you both found each other at the wrong time, but either way, there are other guys out there with the same goals as you and are compatible for you.  Good luck.

Post # 25
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

🙁 I really can feel your frustration and sadness through your words. I really think that at your age, he shouldn’t be wasting your time. You’re not 20 years old and, unfortunately, us women have a biological time-clock. I don’t understand why men have such a hard time realizing this. If he’s not 100% committed to you and putting a ring on your finger, he should stop being selfish and let you know so you can make a clear decision with no regrets. I really think you need to trust your gut feeling on this one. I think you should definitely move out and let him see what it’s like without you. Those are definitely excuses that he is giving you. If he truly loves you and wants to be with you, he wouldn’t care about stupid cat hair or would at least try to compromise on such issues. 

I wish you the best and hope you figure things out soon so you can give yourself the opportunity to meet someone who will WANT to spend the rest of his life with you, not someone who is trying to avoid having to. I’d say a serious talk about the future, your  expectations, goals, timelines, your wants and needs, along with his, needs to happen very quickly because you don’t sound happy. I wouldn’t be either if I was in your shoes. Good luck hun. 🙁

Post # 26
Member
408 posts
Helper bee

@Lillianna:  im seeing alot of red flags from your posts. his excuses. dog hair, cleaning, etc to not commit.

his inability to have a conversation after 3 years and living together about marriage.

all of this says to me ‘i dont want to marry you’ 

i would move out as soon as you can, start forming an exit plan.

you’re 33, i would be very concerned about infertility. im 29, not engaged yet and im nervous, i can only imagine how you must feel. its times to move on.

Post # 27
Member
4811 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

@Lillianna:  I have not read all the replies but…

My SO and I have had quite a few arguments because other people who are younger and/or have dated for less time than us have got engaged. I’m 33, I’ve been with my SO for almost 3 years and he still isn’t seriously considering marriage. 

Last year we had huge arguments because his cousin (9 years younger) got engaged, and then our friends got engaged after dating for 1 year, and then our other friends (who’d been dating for 2 years) got engaged at Christmas. A few months ago we had an even bigger argument because my friend got engaged to his girlfriend of 14 months. This weekend my close girlfriend got engaged after 10 months. I’m happy for her, but it hurts that her SO has decided to spend the rest of his life with her after only 10 months together while my SO has been with me for 3 years and still hasn’t decided whether he loves me enough to stay with me. 

Marriage is not a race to the altar. It is not about “time in”. It is about being ready for marriage (if that is what you both choose). I will say though that after three years, and at this age, if he “has not decided whether he loves you to stay” it is time for you to walk. Has he actually said that to you, or are you assuming that?

My SO is indecisive at the best of times but it shouldn’t take so long for him to decide whether he loves me and wants to be with me or not. He knows that the clock is ticking because I’m 33 but he doesn’t love me he enough to do anything about it. Since my friend got engaged yesterday I just feel really resentful towards my SO because he doesn’t love me as much as her SO loves her. 

It alarms me that you actually seem to have stayed this long with someone who has not decided if he loves you or not, or wants to be with you. I am very curious as to how you ended up living together if you are not even sure he loves you or wants to be with you! Honestly, if you don’t feel this relationship is providing the love you want, you should walk, and it has nothing to do with your Girlfriend being loved more by her SO.

I’ll also add that he does not owe you because your clock is ticking, but if your timelines, or level of commitment do not match, the last thing you want is him to commit under that pressure.

I will say that being loved does not automatically mean marriage. I know plenty of people deeply in love who just do not believe in marriage, and have been together happily and very committed for decades. I know others who have pretty shallow views of love and get married anyway and certainly don’t continue to act very loving.  Why do you want to marry a man who you don’t even think loves you – I really AM curious because that to me is not a life to sign up for. Even if he were to marry you today he is not going to suddenly tomorrow be more committed than he is today. 

My SO says that marriage is something he wants in his lifetime but that’s as much as I can get out of him. He’s said a few times that we won’t be getting married, for stupid reasons like I don’t clean the bathroom often enough, and I don’t want to take his surname, and my cat leaves hair on the couch which sticks to his clothes, and I keep borrowing his jackets. But I don’t think those things should be important if he loves me – he’s just making excuses. 

So, maybe those things ARE important to him in a mate, however, I think it is pretty clear that while he may want marriage in his lifetime, he does not see you as being his partner in that. I once dated (and lived) with a man who once told a friend, when asked with me nearby, if he could see getting married, and he said that he did want that one day. But, I knew, after nearly four years together, I was not included in that. By that point I was kind of done anyway so did not take it personally, but the point is just because he is staying with you and has not broken it off does not mean he sees you as part of his future. 

If a man says he won’t be marrying you…LISTEN TO HIM! It does not matter if YOU think his reasons should not be important, it just does not, and you can’t convince him otherwise. They are important to him, even if their importance is to only justify why he won’t marry you.

It also alarms me you have such terrible communication and he won’t talk to you – again, why do YOU want to marry this man? Having “time in” is not a good reason, neither is fear of being on your own or feeling you want to have children soon.

Tonight I confided in my sister that I don’t think my SO will ever marry me. I think he’s comfortable because we live together, and he takes me for granted and sees no need to make a proper commitment to me. Actually I don’t think he has it in him to man up and make a proper commitment. I think I’ll end up leaving him because he wasn’t man enough to make a decision and commit to me in a reasonable time frame. It’s becoming very difficult for me to make an effort in this relationship because the more time that passes without a proposal, the more I feel that he doesn’t really love me and won’t ever propose. So I’m feeling very upset and unloved right now 🙁

I don’t think this has anything to do with “manning up”. Marriage, at least to me, is not about “manning up” or proving a point, or winning a game, or anything of that sort. Couples choose to marry when they are both ready, and both feel marriage is important to them. That’s it. I am sure that rhetoric feels good since it places the blame on him not being “man enough” for you but it is kind of counterproductive in the long run.  I also do not think this is about living together. If he wanted to marry you, it would not matter if you were living together or not, at least in my experience.

I am not sure how much of your post is coming from your own anger (like saying he does not even love you) or how much is direct from him (like that he has said he does not love you). However, I will again say if a man has said he does not see you in his future, listen to him. Assuming he is around your age, after three years I can guarantee he DOES know whether he sees you in his future or not and if he DID, he would make very sure you knew it even if he was not ready to get married yet. That he says “I don’t know” to me is more like “I know, but I don’t want to deal with how you are going to react so I will just pretend I don’t”.

Post # 28
Member
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Lillianna:  I’m sorry your in this postion. Some people don’t care if they get married or not if they are with a particular person, some really want to get married. If you are one of the people that really want to get married I would consider moving on at this point. Your partner has no plans to get married in the near future.

 

Post # 29
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I struggled with this for a long time.  I am 32 he is 37 we were together for 5 years before we got engaged.  We watched a lot of people that dated less time than us get married. I swore we were the last unmarried couple around.  I finally reached a point where I backed off.  I knew he loved me and wanted to get married but he had to make the decision on his time.  Last Thanksgiving after I spent the day with his family it just clicked for him, and he went out bought a ring and proposed on Christmas Eve.  It was that fast once he made up his mind.  Much of that time was spent designing my ring.  I told him he had another year before I would pressure him.  Turns out I didn’t need too.  At a friends wedding the night before we got engaged someone asked when we would get engaged.  I said “oh not for a least another year.” Little did I know.  So hang in there.  I know it is tough but I promise it is worth waiting for.

 

Some days he would talk about marriage and then some days he would want nothing to do with it.  I knew he loved me and for me that was enough.  You need to decide if it is enough for you. 

Post # 30
Member
2492 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

@Lillianna:  I’m curious why you stay? He has made it very clear that your goals are different. 

IMO you should move out and meet other people. Tell him you can still date him but he should know that you are not sitting idly by just waiting for him. That’s just not how it should work. You should leave and do you beat to move on. If it is meant to be he will come to you. 

My SO kind of held me at bay for a long time. I finally got fed up and decided I couldn’t deal with his inability to commit anymore. I left him (tho we do not live together) and we spent about 2 weeks with minimal contact. He called out of the blue and said it clicked- he needs me and is ready for the whole deal. Living together, getting engaged, marriage & kids. 

So if you leave, he will come for you on YOUR terms (I decided to wait for the engagement until we move in) or you’ll be a few steps closer to meeting the right one. 

Good luck!

Post # 31
Member
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@mamadingdong:  I’ve heard this same story from multiple people. Sometimes guys don’t know what they have until it’s gone.

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