(Closed) Vent: Yet another friend is engaged :(

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@mamadingdong:  I agree completely.  I think the only way marriage happens on your terms is when you start living on YOUR terms  I get so exhausted reading posts from women who bend over backwards accommodating a man’s many excuses because that’s the advice people give them.  I completely understand waiting if he has honestly communciated the reasons AND goes out of his way to make sure you feel loved and secure. Is he doing that?  From what you posted…absolutely not and emotionally blackmailing you by holding any bad thing you do against you.  Imagine marriage where he nit picks your bad habits.  It only gets harder so don’t you want a man who finds your quirks and “annoying” habits endearing?  Someone who likes them not tolerates them?? 

Bottom line – if you want to get married this guy already made it clear…he doesn’t see you as his partner.  The right guy won’t make you feel like you are wasting time waiting even if you do end up waiting.

Post # 33
Member
2451 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@RayKay:  I agree – it is not “manning up” for him to propose if he doesn’t really want to – neither of you will br happy in the long run.

Post # 34
Member
307 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@Lillianna:  Waiting around for someone to love you enough to marry you will turn any sane, confident woman into an angry, insecure fish wife. You’ve really said all that needs to be said.

“I’m 33, I’ve been with my SO for almost 3 years and he still isn’t seriously considering marriage.” – He doesn’t want to marry you.

“my SO has been with me for 3 years and still hasn’t decided whether he loves me enough to stay with me.” – He doesn’t want to marry you.

“He knows that the clock is ticking because I’m 33 but he doesn’t love me he enough to do anything about it.” – He doesn’t want to marry you.

“My SO says that marriage is something he wants in his lifetime but that’s as much as I can get out of him.” – He doesn’t want to marry you.

“He’s said a few times that we won’t be getting married” – He doesn’t want to marry you

“I don’t think my SO will ever marry me.” – Now you’ve hit the nail on the head

We can’t make anyone love us the way we want to be love and at 33 you don’t have time to wait for someone to love you. Hoping, praying, nagging, begging, hinting, reminding, etc is not the way to find a man to spend the rest of your life with. If you want marriage and kids, I would suggest moving out, taking time to get over him – and you will, ask anyone that has ever gotten divorced – and then finding a man that’s on the same wavelength as you are. 35 is the peak so I wouldn’t wait too long.

PS If this man can’t commit to 5 years, he definitely can’t commit to fatherhood. I would not risk having kids out of wedlock with him and then being a single parent if he decides to bail.

Post # 35
Member
408 posts
Helper bee

@DEBeachGirl:  your situation is different because you knew your SO wanted marriage, the OPs SO evades any marriage talk, the most she gets is an ‘i dont know’

im sure if she knew, and he had given her a clear answer to things, circumstances would be different. i.e yours.

except the OP is in the dark where there is no indication of marriage happening. in this case i would never advise ‘waiting it out’

3 years + cohabitating in her 30s was enough waiting IMO. especially being that she wants children. i would start looking at moving out in the near future. good luck with whatever you decide OP.

Post # 36
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@NickiBee:  

you are correct it is different but we lived together for 3 years as well. I didn’t advise her to wait I simply stated my story and said only she could decide. I am 32 soon to be 33 so I understand wanting kids and age being a problem. I said I knew he wanted marriage and that’s true most days he did. Some he didn’t. No one will ever be in the exact same position. I just shared what I went through. I would never tell someone what to do. And I am not advocating she stick around or stay. As I said only she knows what is best for her and if she thinks he will commit.

Post # 37
Member
338 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I was feeling like you for a long time.  I was with my SO for a long time and he just couldn’t give me an answer for what he wanted for the future.  It caused so much tension in our relationship that we ended up breaking up.  After about 3 months we got back together.  During our time apart, he got a clear picture of what his life was like without me.  This was a eye-opening experience for him.  After we got back together, we were engaged nine months later.  Things have never been better and we are both happy and excited for future.

I wonder what would happen if you broke up with him?  Either he would miss you terribly and do what it takes to get you back.  Or, he would just go on living his life.  I hate to recommend break ups, but it might give you a better picture of your future in a faster time frame.

Post # 38
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m curious from your follow up if you’ve ever talked about having kids with him.  If he seriously can’t imagine anything about 5 years in the future, and you only have about 5 years left to try, he needs to start imagining fast.  

I really think you could use couples therapy to figure out why he seems so unwilling to make or discuss future plans.  It’s not too much to expect an adult to have some sort of life plan, if you plan on sharing your life with them.

Post # 39
Member
1929 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

What others do shouldn’t matter.

However, I agree with your assessment.  This man is highly unlikely yo ever marry you, he is making that pretty darn clear.  You need to find the strength to do what is best for you and move on.  This has nothing to do with patience, this man does. Of want to marry you.

Post # 40
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee

From what you said it seems your SO is making it very clear that he has no desires to marry you.  

In another post I mentioned that my SO had said to some former friends that he didn’t want to marry me.  When I found out I ranted at him and didn’t speak to him for a few weeks. 

But you know what he did come around to the idea of marriage with me.  However in your case he has made it clear that he doesn’t want to marry you.   The unsure answers are a dead give away. 

Maybe have one last conversation.  Try not get angry but ask him to explain why he doesn’t want to get married and to do it honestly.   If he keeps trying to change the topic or answers honestly and says he doesn’t want to.

Then  you have to have a long think.  Should you stay because you do love him and have to accept that you are not going to get married?  Or accept the fact that he doesn’t really want a future with you and you will have to walk out of it.

It’s going to be hard but you need your answer.

Post # 42
Member
2080 posts
Buzzing bee

@Lillianna:  

 

I’ll be honest, I didn’t read your whole post. I didn’t get any further than this sentence:

I’m 33, I’ve been with my SO for almost 3 years and he still isn’t seriously considering marriage.

This has nothing, repeat NOTHING to do with your SO.

This has EVERYTHING to do with you.

Why are you tolerating this? Don’t put up with it for one more minute.

If you two were 19 year old kids in college it would be one thing, but you’re in your 30s. After three years, I would say his time is up. How much longer are you going to allow him to keep you waiting in the wings?

You may agree or disagree with me, but my advice would be to stop talking about it and show him with your ACTIONS that you take your dreams and your happiness very seriously.

Nicely thank  him for three wonderful years, but tell him that unfortunately you can no longer stay indefinitely in a relationship that is not headed toward marriage in the near future (none of this “let me put a ring on your finger to shut you up and we’ll get married in five years” baloney). And then pack your bags. You said you have nowhere to go — then find one of those long term hotel places where you rent by the week until you can afford an apartment. Don’t use your cat as an excuse. There are plenty of people who will allow their tenants to have cats. Start calling everyone you know and ask them if they know someone who could rent a room at their house to you for a cheap rate in exchange for you doing chores. Get an inflatable bed for $20 and move into a friend’s garage if you have to.

I am dead serious…. if he really loves you, he won’t let you get away.

And if he does let you get away, he never loved you enough in the first place and you’ll have your answer.

Sorry if I’m being too blunt, but you deserve to be happy! My two cents, my humble opinion. Stand up for yourself, and good luck!

 

 

 

Post # 44
Member
2080 posts
Buzzing bee

Well, of course it’s easy to talk about it and hard to do it. That is obvious. I TOTALLY understand that it would be very painful and scary to rock the boat and walk away from this relationship. In fact it probably would be the most difficult thing you’ve ever done in your life.

Your problem is not the relationship. I’m saying this with great sympathy, empathy and the wish to give you support and encouragement: The problem you need to focus on is figuring out a way to support yourself financially.

Given everything you’ve said, I would just move back home and live with family until you can find a way to get back on your feet. Waitressing jobs are not hard to find. You could just quit your current part-time gig and replace it with something similar in the place where your family lives. There has to be someone in your extended family who would take you in. I’m sorry, but I am just not buying that your only option in life is to stay in a dead end relationship with a guy who is stringing you along.

Post # 45
Member
522 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Lillianna:  He’s been quite honest about his (non existent) intentions. He doesn’t seem like he’s going to commit and you need to believe him. I will never understand women that expect a man to ‘come around’

Spend some time saving some money, move in with a friend, family.. something.

You determine how you are treated and by staying you’re allowing him to treat you this way and not really appreciate you. We teach people how to treat us.. you’re teaching him this is ok.

Post # 46
Member
1015 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@RockStar33:  “I really believe that if a guy feels pressure before he’s ready(it doesn’t just have to be verbal signs, but non verbal too), then it will take him a lot longer.”

I disagree with this.  See “Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others”.

View original reply
@Lillianna:  “He’s said a few times that we won’t be getting married, for stupid reasons like I don’t clean the bathroom often enough, and I don’t want to take his surname, and my cat leaves hair on the couch which sticks to his clothes, and I keep borrowing his jackets.” 

I would believe him.  It doesn’t matter what his excuse is.

The topic ‘Vent: Yet another friend is engaged :(’ is closed to new replies.

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