(Closed) Vent: Yet another friend is engaged :(

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 47
Member
1929 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

No one is saying it would be easy.  But I think you have a choice to make:

1) Stay because you love him and you don’t want to figure out how to be on your own.  But know you probably will not marry him and you are ok staying with him for as long as what you have now works.  But you need to understand that marriage and kids are probably not in the cards for you guys

2) Do the very difficult thing and move on.  Figure out how to be on your own  – you are an adult, I promise you, you can do it.  Get through the pain and meet someone who wants what you want out of life, and ultimately get married to this person. 

My grandmother supported herself and two kids after leaving an abusive husband with NO education and no support system.  You are on your own – I am pretty darn sure if you want it to happen it can.  AT this point it is a valid excuse, but an excuse to stay.

Post # 48
Member
408 posts
Helper bee

i have a kid and a dog and i was able to find a roommate, i cant afford to live on my own right now. if i can manage to find one whose accepting of us, so can YOU. im not buying theres no one out there who wont take pets, you need to look harder. 

my SO knows i wont move in with him without a ring and a date set, so living with him is not an option. if you are determined enough you’ll find another way.

it just seem like youre complacent/dependant on him in order to live. which has him in control of the situation. you have to stand on your own. 

i dont think anyones saying its easy to leave but at your age, time is precious, if you want kids waiting indefinitely isnt a wise thing to do.

Post # 49
Member
4812 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

@Lillianna:  Well, no, it is not “easy” to walk away but that does not mean it should not be done. I have done it, and many others have done it, and you just need to gather yourself together and do it. There is no easy way.

I walked away from a home I owned with my ex-common law partner that we had bought together, our pet, many shared possessions, many friends, all while I was going into my last year of law school and so had crazy law school debts and only could work part time (and had been working part time through school). It was hard, but I did it. I had to stay at my parent’s place for a month until I could move into a new apartment, but I will also say that as soon as I left it was like a weight was lifted. Did I imagine I would be there at 29? No, but I sure can tell you I am very grateful I did and  I had no idea how great things would go after that relationship ended.

There is really no good that can come out of staying with someone who just is not into being with you and staying because it is too hard to leave is NOT a good reason to stay, or to keep pushing for a marriage that is not going to happen with someone who has made it pretty clear they aren’t interested. 

Post # 51
Member
1410 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@Lillianna:  So I got through your entire post and this whole thread. It sounds like there are a number of things going on. 

First, you’re comparing your path to marriage to other’s. As some Bees before me have pointed out, marriage isn’t a race. Everyone is on different timelines. So stop comparing. 

Second, your SO has said, in no uncertain terms, that marriage is not in his plans for the near future. Stop trying to change his mind by nagging, pleading, and begging. It is not going to work.

Third, you need to start realizing the value in you. You seem quite down on yourself. Your posts started off as angry towards him, and now they are extremely critical of you. You are wife material, and you have the potential to find a great job and be successful. Your SO knows you won’t leave, since you have no self-confidence and will to make this YOUR life. 

So stop wasting away the days waiting for him. When you’re 80, you’re going to look back and regret giving a man who doesn’t love you like you deserve to be loved so much of your life. Work 2 jobs, scrimp and save, and get yourself out. You need to do something for you, and that doesn’t involve him.

 

Post # 52
Member
2080 posts
Buzzing bee

No family who can take you in? I’m so very sorry you’re in that situation.

: (

In that case, I would sign up for a ton of student loans and go back to school for a profession that will earn good money when you come out on the back end.

Student loans will support you until you are able to graduate and find something that pays more than waitressing.

Yes, you’ll end up with a lot of debt when you graduate but at least you will be on your way.

I’m not being snarky or sarcastic. I am dead serious.

Post # 53
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I strongly agree with @BelliniChic. If you’re at a dead end jobwise with your current level of education it’s time to do some research and figure out a profession that will give you more bang for your buck. Do you have an undergraduate degree? 

This is not about becoming wife material. It’s about putting yourself in a position where you don’t settle for someone because you’re afraid of losing the roof over your head.

 

Post # 54
Member
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’m going to agree with the previous posters. If you want childeren you have to be in a position to support them on your own if something happens to your partner. You can’t even support yourself right now, you should be more worried about that than getting married.

Post # 55
Member
47 posts
Newbee

@Lillianna:  “He’s said a few times that we won’t be getting married” It doesn’t matter what excuses he gives for not wanting to marry you, it sounds like he has made his decision pretty clear and you should start making an exit plan, get out asap! You both want different things. Plus the sooner you get out of this relationship the sooner you can meet Mr. Right! 


However, after reading the rest of the thread I see that you are worried about whether it is financially feasible for you to move out. Look into food stamps if you have to and I bet you could find a roommate in a cheap place if you look hard enough. You have to have some money from waitressing. Also where did you stay before you moved in with him?


Even if you can’t move out now try staying with a friend for a few days or weeks to clear your head and gain some perspective. It has got to be hard to think clearly about it when you are stuck living with the guy.

Post # 56
Member
272 posts
Helper bee

If any of the waitings are actually going crazy over the issue, and becoming resentful, how about you asking them? 

 

If they say “No,” well, just move on, and find someone who thinks you’re worth putting a ring on your finger.  After all, I hate to say, but guys will stay with “Miss Fun” until he finds “Miss Keeper.”

Post # 57
Member
272 posts
Helper bee

Oh, and if you need to, check out Roommates.com, if you’re in the U.S. or Canada, then you can try to find people who need a roommate for an amount that you can deal with, and with a pet policy that your pet is welcome under.

 

Post # 59
Member
1149 posts
Bumble bee

@Lillianna:  It seems that you guys are well suited for each other. He makes excuses and so do you. Honestly if you want out bad enough you’ll find a way. You seem afraid to stay (because he may never come around), afraid to leave (because times are hard).

He clearly has no intention of changing the status quo because it seems he knows you wont change it either. Have you applied for jobs in other locations? Including other countries? Are you bilingual? Thought about extra training or certifications? Nobody can help you if you wont help yourself. I also think men want a woman who doesn’t need them but wants them (well the kind of man I like feels that way).

I think you demean yourself by staying under these circumstances. You seem like a kind intelligent woman and I would hate for you to have anything less in life than you deserve because you just werent brave enough to do what it took to get it. Bus tickets are cheap, move in with your sister and husband for a few months and start again there in a new place. Go to a weekly hotel for a while. Ask friends if theyll host your cat.

Do something. Waiting around doesn’t seem like an option for you anymore.

Post # 60
Member
1929 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

@subtlebee:  +1

Plus if you look at her past posts he apparently just moved into her apartment this month.  Not her sisters.  And she said they split expenses.  Something doesn’t add up.  Even on a waitress salary you could afford to rent a room in someone else’s apartment.  And honey, you donget just get “selected” for a job, you have to work to get it!! Enough excuses already.  Own your life.

Post # 61
Member
233 posts
Helper bee

My father brought my mother to the US from Korea, divorced her, left her with a two year old, nowhere to go, no money, no job, she didn’t speak English, couldn’t read or write English, and he never taught her how to drive (she couldn’t even find the courthouse to get to the divorce proceedings, she only got custody of me because he didn’t want it)

 

and she made it. 

 

You can leave if you really want to. 

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