(Closed) Vent: Yet another friend is engaged :(

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 62
Member
2080 posts
Buzzing bee

@Lillianna:  

Congratulations on being highly educated! I assumed that if you were waitressing you probably weren’t a college grad.

I know this is a tough job market. I can tell you though that my cousin, who only has a high school diploma, lost her job, and like you, got the runaround when she applied for jobs.

The way she got around it was to get plugged in with about 10 temping agencies. Yes, TEN. She was on speed dial with all of her recruiters. It was a stressful and constantly changing situation, but between all of the freelance jobs, she was pretty much working continuously. She was able to network within her field and get good recommendations. Within the year, she was offered a temp-to-perm position with full benefits.

Unless you want to be a professional waitress for the rest of your life, you really should think about doing freelance work in your field. If that’s not feasible in the area where you’re located — well, then that’s just one more reason to move.

I also know someone who lost his corporate job and when his savings ran out, he went to work for Burger King. He flipped burgers for a few months (and hated every single second of it) but after several months, he was invited to train for a junior management position. He now has a decent salary with benefits — not in his chosen field, but hey, he’s earning a liveable wage until he can find a better opportunity!

You can do it! Please, please, please… don’t say that your education is worthless. That is absolutely NOT TRUE. Your whole life is ahead of you! 

You’re 33 years old… would you rather start your life over now, or when you’re 38? How about when you’re 43 or 53? Because if you keep listening to this guy’s song and dance long enough, girlfriend…. That’s how old you’re going to be when you finally decide that you have had enough.

I am much older than you. When I was your age, I wasted YEARS on a man who wouldn’t commit to me. Don’t make the mistake I made!

Don’t give the best years of your life to someone who can’t tell you after THREE YEARS whether he wants to marry you or not. Someone who is OK with letting you and your dreams dangle out in the breeze while he enjoys the perks of being married (living and sleeping with you) without him making it legal.

When you take steps to empower yourself and reinvent yourself, it has a chain reaction. You start out feeling like it’s overwhelming, that you’re “less than,” that you can’t do it, you don’t have what it takes. Just take a few steps forward and watch how your inner strength starts to grow, and your excitement starts to build as you see that when one door closes, another opens.

The irony here is that if you draw your line in the sand and let him know you’re not going to wait around anymore, that you’re prepared to move on — there is a very good chance that he will step up and “suddenly” realize that he’s ready to propose, after all.

If you don’t rock the boat, you’ll never know. He may propose five years from now, or never.

Especially if you ever plan on having kids, it’s really important that you’re able to support yourself.

I’m sending lots of encouraging thoughts your way. Hang in there.

Post # 63
Member
1015 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@subtlebee:  +1

OP, the only person who has the power to change your life is you.

I don’t know what your degrees are in, but I’ve found it pretty easy to switch my job last year when I was unhappy and had enough.  And recently I was cold contacted by a recruiter on LinkedIn.  I know my situation isn’t typical, but I really think you need to cast a wider net (with both jobs and dudes).

Post # 64
Member
4812 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

You are your own worst enemy right now, and it is time to start acting as your best friend. No one here, or anywhere else, can (or should) “rescue” you. Plenty of people, myself included, have had to leave “comfortable” situations in some pretty difficult circumstances.

Even your “crappy waitressing job” can likey afford a rented room somewhere or a shared house with roommates. So what if you can only stay with someone a few weeks? That was the same circumstance I was in and I took those few weeks and then found a new place to live during it. Like I said, I was in law school, only working part time, and had law school debts that were crazy stressful already…and I had been contributing to a mortgage so had no savings either. I was broker than broke and as I was in law school could NOT just find another job or take on another part time job either. I still had over a year of law school left!

Contact some temp agencies and take anything you can get. Sometimes those temp jobs lead to permanent positions.

I would recommend the latter even if you were staying. Even if you were to have kids with this man, what happens if he left, or if he died and you were on your own?

 

Post # 65
Member
2689 posts
Sugar bee

@RayKay:  what happens if he left, or if he died and you were on your own?

Exactly.

Post # 66
Member
3479 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

Isn’t it so frustrating that for such a huge decision in our lives, we have no control over it?!!! Ugh!

Post # 67
Member
1149 posts
Bumble bee

@lealorali:  I think we have as much or as little control as we desire. If you choose to take the bull by the horns and propose then you can. Or you can walk away. If you wait, you choose to.

Post # 68
Member
1953 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Lillianna:  My SO says that marriage is something he wants in his lifetime but that’s as much as I can get out of him. He’s said a few times that we won’t be getting married 

Why are you still waiting on a proposal that is never going to come? This man has straight up told you, numerous times, that he does want marriage one day in his future, just not with you.

When he says he doesn’t want to marry you, he’s not lying to try and throw you off. His excuses like your cleaning habits, are simply being given to shut you up when you question why he doesn’t plan to marry you. This man has been nothing but straight forward and honest, you choosing to not believe him is your own fault. 

 My sister (who I lived with previously) moved several hundred miles away to get married, so I moved in with my SO because I had no other options. I don’t earn much money, I can’t afford to live on my own and I have nowhere else to go”

Moving in together wasn’t even because you both wanted to live together, it was because you didn’t have any other options. Maybe prior to living together he had considered marrying you, then decided after the fact that he can’t spend forever with someone that has your habits.

You need to start accepting what he tells you. Stop thinking he will change his mind about this, if he’s said he doesn’t plan to marry you then you can only believe that he is being genuine and honest about that.

The book ‘He’s just not that into you’ became so popular for a reason, and this is a perfect example of it. Women like to lie to eachother and enable false beliefs that their men are just trying to throw them off on things like this, or playing hard to get. Men are typically pretty straight to the point.

Post # 69
Member
427 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Sweetie, “He’s said a few times that we won’t be getting married”.  Stop holding out for a proposal.  Either accept marriage isnt on the cards between you and him and have a relationship like that or move on.  You cant force a man to marry you and it isnt the law that a man must marry a woman if he dates her for x amount of years.  It’s a mutual decision that happens when both people agree wholeheartedly to spend the rest of their lives together as a married couple, start a family, raise kids etc.  Time to dust off the destiny childs cds and find yourself a more positive relationship.

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