Post # 1
- Wedding: April 2016 - undetermined
I need advice on how to tell my cousin that she is not a bridesmaid. Before I sound evil, I have several very good reasons for not wanting her to be one, but if I mention those reasons it will cause a big fight between the whole family.
Backstory: I got engaged on December 23rd. My cousin, I’ll call her April, who has always been very competitive got engaged right after me on NYE. It’s a little annoying to me since a few months ago she was tired of her boyfriend and said she could never handle living with him, only to get engaged right after me. It may not seem like a huge deal because she’s just a cousin, but our parents live right next to each other and are very involved socially & financially. Although it is irritating that I can’t have even a week to let my own engagement sink in, this isn’t the issue. Aprils sister, I’ll call her June, asked me at our family’s christmas if she was going to be a bridesmaid. I knew this was coming but didn’t know how to answer. While I stood there smiling, my grandma answered for me and told her yes. Now April didnt even ask, she simply assumed that she was one and has since asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I do not wish to be in her wedding and I don’t want her to be in mine.
The real reasons I feel this way are that she dislikes all of my frineds besides my Maid/Matron of Honor, and is outright rude to them, she always wants to be center of attention which I can see getting very annoying when I am trying to plan my OWN wedding, & hers is only a few weeks after mine. She has asked me multiple times to get together with her to “talk wedding stuff” which I was dreading but I finally agreed. We drove to the mall to pick up my ring from getting resixed. During this short trip she told me that none of my frineds will be reliable (they are all responsible people & very good freinds to me) and that I just need to keep my Maid/Matron of Honor and have her and June as my two bridesmaids & that is it. I told her I haven’t decided on my bridal party yet even though I have. She also told me that I should just enlist our three male cousins to be my FI’s groomsmen because his won’t show up the day of (she does not even know these men). She told me that I should skip the cake pop that I ordered at starbucks because my wedding is sooner than hers, and finally, after explaining TWICE that I was not inviting kids, even my other younger cousins, she said “well mine is coming, haha… So fuck you” and she was smiling the whole time she said that but it was obvious that she is planning on bringing her child, who is not born yet but will be around 5 months then.
I simply do not feel like dealing with this attitude the entire time, or having all my ideas stolen (I’ve already had to make all my pinterest boards private), or having my decisions made for me. However, If I mention any of those rude things she’s said it will cause a big fight between our families. So, a couple of the reasons I have come up with are that we wouldn’t be very good bridesmaids to each other because we both have our own weddings to plan (in a short time), she has a baby on the way & I am in the middle of building a house. How do you word something like this? Am I right for not wanting them in my wedding?
Post # 2
Wow she sounds like a peach. I’d just come right out and tell her that you look forward to having her as a guest but you’ve already made up your mind about your wedding party. She’ll probably pitch a fit, but at least you’ll know that there’s no misunderstanding.
Post # 3
“after explaining TWICE that I was not inviting kids, even my other younger cousins, she said “well mine is coming, haha… So fuck you” and she was smiling the whole time she said that but it was obvious that she is planning on bringing her child”
If someone had said this to me, they would automatically be put on my “DO NOT INVITE” list. After all, you’re not inviting children and she’s acting like an obnoxious one, so that rules her out.
Post # 4
- Wedding: April 2016 - undetermined
Thnaks ladies! I know the obvious answer is to tell her no. It’sjust hard because my mom is basically silent when I am telling her all the things she says to me, but as soon as I make a snide comment about her, she says “that’s not very nice” and acts like I am overreacting.
Post # 5
jjohnston730: April is going to be difficult no matter what you do. And honestly “Damned if you do, damned if you don’t”. So if she will bring the drama no matter what you do, do what’s best for you. I promise you, you will never regret going with what you want. April is probably difficult because she is used to getting her way. Your family I assume just lets April do what April wants to do. Sometimes they aid her crazy, when June was asking you if April was a Bridesmaid or Best Man and grandma chimed in “Yes!”. I can see why this is really hard for you, you’re not just dealing with April, you are dealing with your whole family enabling her behavior.
I’m going to guess you are like me and try to avoid conflict. For the BMs, I would just tell family, “Thank you for your suggestions but I already have my BMs chosen”. If they give you a hard time about April not being included, you could always say “I have decided not to have any family as part of our wedding party, I have kept it to close friends”. Stick to your guns! You will most likely be met with “Buuuuuut whyyyyyy!!” and you keep repeating yourself. “I’m sorry, but it’s already been decided”. “I’m sorry you feel that way, but this is what I’ve chosen”. “Thank you for your imput, but I have already decided”.
As for April wanting to plan weddings with you, avoid any wedding talk. Make yourself void of any information to her. “I haven’t decided yet”. “FI and I haven’t discussed it”. “We’ve already booked things”. “I want it to be a surprise!”. “I’m a little wedding talked-out. How was your trip at grandmas house last week?”. “We haven’t decided”. “I don’t know”. “I have a few options but we are still deciding.”
I know this will be painful, but I would limit the information you give to family. I am going to guess they will pass it onto April (judging by their enabling behavior). Use your bridesmaids to be your sounding board if you can, or neutral parties. I’m sorry you have to go through this. Just know that no matter what you do, April is going to be April. She is chaotic, dramatic and sees this as competition. Don’t play into this. April will look rather foolish doing all this stuff as a one sided fight. Don’t acknowledge her tactics. Just be indifferent to her.
Post # 6
- Wedding: April 2016 - undetermined
ohhmaigosh: Thank you!! I just needed advice from someone who hasn’t been drinking her kool-aid I guess! haha. You really did hit the nail right on the head! It doesn’t help that she’s also pregnant and having the first Great grandchild (also highly annoying to me, as it was an accident and everyone is now swooning over her). It makes me sad that I can’t share my engagement with over half of my family members, but I suppose I will have to keep to myself if I don’t want her interfering! Thanks again
Post # 7
Do we have the same cousin???
First off I want to say that anyone who assumes they are in a wedding or asks “I’m a bridesmaid right?” Are such inconsiderate people. Putting a bride in a situation like that is so stressful.
I had a much similar situation with my cousin. She asked me to be in the wedding and I was honest. I told her I’d love her to be BUT I’m concerned since she has a history of never showing to family events. At my other cousins wedding (my MOH) she agreed to be a bridesmaid, then backed out, then never showed up to the shower, bachelorette or even the wedding. She said she doesn’t like the attention of being in a wedding. (Hellooo the attention is on the bride) She assured me that she wouldn’t do this to me and she had her “reasons”.
She practically begged me so finally I told her yes she could be a bridesmaid but if she didn’t show up to an event I would be disappointed. In this time all she would do was talk about how she would plan her wedding (she is not engaged) and was slowly getting under my skin.
Finally I planned my bridesmaid proposal lunch. I was trying to keep it a surprise and called it my engagement lunch with close friends. She kept texting and asking who would be there and she didn’t know what to wear. She also told everyone she was pissed that I picked a restaurant that was near her ex boyfriends house. And guess what happened.. no show. No call. Nothing. I got a text at the end of the night, her going off on me and saying she could have been dead and I never called to check on her. She claims she was in the hospital.. But I called all the hospitals and she was never checked in. She called me names and spoke horribly about my other bridesmaids. I had to kick her out of the wedding party and as a result her & her mom won’t speak to me. They said they want nothing to do with me or my wedding & bad mouthed me to the whole family and even tried telling my fiancée that I am “vicious” lol
Sorry for such a long story but it is nice to vent to someone with a similar situation. Do whatever you feel is right. This is YOUR big day and sometimes you have to do what is best for you. Be prepared to make some people upset. I know that is what happened in my case but I don’t regret it one bit.
Best of luck to you !!!!
Post # 8
ntoxo: Between you and the OP I don’t know where y’all can hide from these obnoxious people!
It hurts right now but these are toxic people, and this wedding is going to bring about a “cleansing” from your life. Just think: they are not banishing you from their lives…you are cleansing your life from their presene. Focus on your mister and how happy you will be walking down the aisle to him! Eff those crazies!