- 8 years ago
- Wedding: July 2013
I wont lie; theres a part of me thats questioning asking you Bees about this issue-mostly because its really personal and Im sort of afraid of being this real with just about anybody.
So now Im going to say something that might be a little- bad in admitting…
Sometimes its really hard being in a relationship
I find myself lately having to remind myself of why Im with my SO. Sometimes being together is so effortless, so easy and loving that it just makes sense why were are together. We’re best friends in every sense of the word usually
But when the really hard times hit, and I have to talk to him, for some reason I dont get, he always disengages. Its frustrating and hurtful to know that at these times he seems to see me and my feelings as an inconvienance. I’ve lately had something happen to me that has shaken me to the core and made me reevaluate some key family relationships; When I tried talking to him about it, he said at one point, do we really need to talk about this right now? I had to ask if I was to talk about it when I came over if it would be ok with him (the fact that I have to ask this question to feel comfortable confiding in him bothers me so much). He said it would be “depressing.”
Automatically I had to think to myself- well I better put on my happy face because yet again he cant deal. Looking at it now, with every difficulty I have, its a miracle Im here, and he still cant deal with the one thing I tried to talk to him about. Today was another day with the same outcome. I tried talking to him about this, about how inconvienant, and uncomfortable I feel when I try to confide in him- he said instead that he acted that way because “I didnt think we had to talk about it as long as we did.” Am I the only one that realizes that when someone is confiding in you that you are not supposed to make value judgments on whether or not the issue is important enough for you to talk about with them?
And it was important, because it effected me so much and hurt me so much. Sometimes I wonder if he really understands what it means to be with someone, to be there for them no matter what. And then I think about myself and how no normal human being should be able to cope with as much stuff as I have going on- and that maybe it is too much to expect from someone to help me deal with just one thing from all of that. But when I think about it that way I just feel so alone in my relationship and I just shut down.
Its incredibly hard for me to be vulnerable enough to actually tell someone anything about my life, (someone who I know deeply anyways) and I feel that if I dont tell him Im being dishonest somehow- and whats wierder is that he gets mad when I try not to tell him whats wrong. Its this constant dance of trying not to tell him too much, but just enough to make him feel happy and Its just exhausting! He’s insistant that I talk to him, but he always makes a value judgement on whether or not Im justified feeling a certain way. Words cannot express how repressive that feels sometimes. And I realize thats not ok, that this whole process is not ok- but it feels impossible to talk to him about it.
And its not just his disengagement and judgments, its also the fact that lately he’s done some things that make me wonder if this is what he really wants–I ask this question, mind you, and he always says to trust him and that he wants to be here otherwise he wouldnt be. How can I believe that when something as small as a clothing suggestion makes him defensive and that looking at his phone (which I realize was partially my mistake) makes him defensive too. In my eyes this is suspicious behaviour-it makes me wonder if he’s honest with me about what he wants, or if he’s happy.
I know Im not happy, Im definitely unhappy that the person I love is supposedly incapable of being someone I can confide in lately, and Im unhappy because honestly I dont know if I can believe him when he says he wants to be with me.
I keep so much to my vest- I try to anyways. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed that I come on here and try to sort things out. But in my mind I shouldnt have to, I should be able to be honest with my SO.
Like I said, sometimes, its just really really hard.
PS If you have read my recent post- you could have some backstory on whats going on right now with me. I realize that my feelings could be influenced by the incident with my dad but at the same time, I still think my SO should be there for me. I honestly dont know how to broach the subject with him- Its Christmas Eve afterall.
Thank you for just reading- its nice to know someone is listening