(Closed) venting about future in-laws and decision making

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Weddings are about politics.

My parents aren’t paying anything for our wedding (exclusively finances, in their case), and we have been fighting off his parents because we want to pay for our own wedding. I have mostly solicited my mom’s advice and gone to Future Mother-In-Law for other things (i.e., “Would you mind picking out a song for you and Fiance to dance to at the wedding?” “Any Honeymoon suggestions?”).

Unless she’s the type to mope if you don’t take her advice, I sort of think hearing her out is a necessary evil. It lets her feel she’s to some extent involved, even if she really isn’t. I’d find specific things about the wedding you don’t particularly care about, or give her a mission to find a few different things (i.e., in my case, I asked if she could think about a few song selections. That way, it increases the odds there’s SOMETHING I would like. Not that it’s that big of a deal to me, though).

As far as planning goes, maybe your Future Mother-In-Law just doesn’t feel welcome. My Future Mother-In-Law has just once issued a , “Well, if you need help with anything…” sort of statement, and that was only because we asked her to go along with us to look at the hall we chose. Otherwise, she’s had radio silence. I partly assume it’s just because she feels like an ‘outsider,’ and the wedding is, well…typically a bride’s show, along with her parents.

I don’t think that their stance of not providing money because they had to pay for their own wedding is a bad one. Future Sister-In-Law was spoiled to the moon – her wedding and Honeymoon was tens of thousands of dollars. Judging by her job at the time (McDonald’s) and her husband’s (JUST got into a big software company after working retail), it’s quite evident both sets of parents paid for the whole thing.

Not saying it’s true with you, but I’ve seen many people develop into spoiled brats when their parents are there to shell out major lumps of cash for every event: wedding, baby, etc. I DO think it would be wise if they would even put in a small amount, but if it’s finances, it’s finances. For all I know, they’re claiming they aren’t putting anything in because they had to pay for theirs just to conceal the fact that it’s a money problem. That excuse might be bravado.

The next time she tells you it’s only one day, just smile, nod your head and say, “I know.” Limit contact as much as possible as you prepare for your wedding so you don’t hear the same advice a thousand times.

Post # 4
4194 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

Since you and Fiance are paying for most of the wedding, it’s only natural for him to want to get opinions also-why should he only rely on your parents’ advice?

If you don’t like that her advice is based on money, don’t tell her the prices of things- you can say “we’re considering X, Y and Z.” It sounds like you’ve made most of the major decisions- would it easier for you and Fiance to make all decisions going forward, without either of your parents being involved?

Post # 5
7651 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@rebwana:  <—This

Just because they give you an opinion odesn’t mean you have to make your choice based on that opinion. So you have separate tastes. That’s ok. Pick what you and your Fiance want, but let your FIL’s at least give their opinion. There is nothing harmful about that. You may find that you like one of their ideas.

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