(Closed) Venting Friend

posted 4 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
2544 posts
Sugar bee

You can’t please everyone while planning a wedding – just not possible. 

It’s totally fair that you’re just doing immediate family at city hall, but it’s a bit much to expect her to fly out without really providing an event for her to be flying out for. It’s one thing if it were her flying out for a special trip with just you, or if she were flying out to share your day with you, but in this situation she’s kind of being expected to fly out for something she’s not actually really included in. 

Can you do something separate with her? A ‘bachelorette party’ that’s just for the two of you? 

Post # 3
Member
2655 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
karipotter :  Yikes, thats tough. IM wondering why she is sad about the bachelorette party when she removed herself from the planning?? I would say ” Im sorry you are feeling that way but I thought you might not be able to attend? If that isn’t the case, I’d love for you to help plan XYZ blah blah”

As far as the wedding goes, tell her that it really sucks for you to have to limit it, but you would love to have her there after to celebrate with you. It really is out of your control! Don’t feel sad or guilty. it is your day and you are doing the best to accomodate people! 

Post # 4
Member
39 posts
Newbee

Don’t feel sad or guilty (easier said that done right?). You are doing what you want for YOUR wedding. I think it sounds awesome. 

Post # 5
Member
1033 posts
Bumble bee

I’d remind her about the six person rule and how it’s reserved for parents. Maybe something like “I loved being a part of your big day and can’t wait for you to celebrate my wedding with me. I’d love for you to be present at the ceremony but we can only have 6 people attend so we can only invite parents. However, we are going to have the best wedding reception in England. I really hope you can make it. Thanks for understanding that the ceremony is only for parents and will last less than 10 minutes but the reception is a week long celebration to celebrate our union.” 

Post # 7
Member
656 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
karipotter :  I agree with you. She’s being manipulative. You were fine with her not going to your bachelorette, because she was planning her 30th do the same weekend (which in itself is manipulative), yet she felt compelled to tell you she felt left out of planning that same bachelorette that she isn’t attending because of HER OWN BIRTHDAY PARTY she planned the same weekend?

I’ll tell you, this shit would never fly with me. Tell her you’re sorry she can’t attend, you don’t expect her to, remind her of the city hall rule about how many people you can have attending, and that you guys can do something to celebrate after then be done with it. Don’t play into her games don’t feel bad, you’ve done nothing wrong.

I have experience with an ex friend like this, and I hate it when people try to manipulate instead of just saying things outright.

Post # 8
Member
1002 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

You’re coming across like the 7 people limit is a force of nature or a law. You choose to have a small wedding at a small venue. And that’s fine, but now you’re trying to involve others who aren’t invited. And that’s rude imo. If someone “invited” me to fly to another country so that basically I’d be near while they have an event, I’m not invited to the event, and we aren’t spending time together I’d be offended and I might let them know. You want her to fly up for your weadding but she isn’t invited. 

You should only invite people if there is an event for them to come to or if you plan on spending time with them. 

She did not plan her 30th birthday to interfere with your wedding. Her birthday is the day that it is. 

Post # 10
Member
2544 posts
Sugar bee

Totally get it. If you’re not worried about whether she comes or not then I would probably just explain that to her. Unfortunately the consequence of having a super small wedding is that some people may be hurt that they’re not invited. I didn’t realize until I actualy had my wedding how much having those people there with me honoured our friendship/relationship, so maybe she’s just sad she won’t have that with you.

But don’t worry – there are loooots of consequences for big weddings too! It’s just one of those things where you can’t please everyone. 

I would try to do something special with her that shows that she’s important to you. If she can’t come for your other bachelorette then try to have a girls weekend with her, or even just a night out. Or maybe some kind of meaningful gift that shows she’s been an important part of your life? 

Post # 11
Member
1186 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

She doesn’t really want to attend and she want you to feel guilty and think it is your fault. Not a great move and definitely not one I would expect from a friend.

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