Venting – I don't know anymore

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
47194 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

knotyet :  Hope you feel better for venting. Both of you better get used to his parents steamrolling over your decisions, unless you are both prepared to be more assertive.

Post # 3
Member
1425 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Yeah, I’d tell them they can either pay for the extras or you just aren’t able to have anymore. It is really rude to not only invite people you haven’t approved, but it’s super tacky to be inviting them over text. My SMIL gave me a list of people to invite to the wedding, most of which Darling Husband & I had never met or hadn’t seen but once or twice and honestly, I did not invite any of them and my Darling Husband didn’t want to either. We were having a smaller wedding and we didn’t want people there that we did not know. They weren’t paying anything towards the wedding, and I am of the opinion that if parents aren’t helping financially why on earth should every single one of their friends (who aren’t even close to the couple getting married) be invited? My inlaws have very strong personalities too, it’s not easy to deal with!

Post # 4
Member
755 posts
Busy bee

knotyet :  yikes, that is beyond annoying. 

Honestly I don’t think there is much you can do right now but let them know that anyone invited via text would be coming out of their pocket as you had a set # that actually got mailed an invitation and that was the final guest list when you had to rsvp a week ago (or whenever it was) if they can’t get over that- considering it would end up being their only contribution to the wedding then they are being petty and you need to stand up for yourselves. 

That sounds harsh but it’s par for the course when it comes to weddings ‘these days’ 

I work with a lot of brides with similar dilemmas earlier in their timeline so I’ve always advised to say ‘We’re thinking of hiring security at the event so anyone who’s name isn’t on the RSVP list won’t be getting in (or something to that effect) so they Future Mother-In-Law or your own family get the picture that guests not communicated to you by the rsvp with be SOL. Obviously this wouldn’t be feasible to say now but may be helpful to some brides in the future 

 

 

Post # 5
Member
2395 posts
Buzzing bee

Welp. I would tell them “sorry, the final numbers have already been turned in. Anyone who wasn’t already on the guest list cannot be accomodated at this point.” F* paying for people out of pocket after the fact. 

julies1949 :  This. You’re setting yourself up for a life of being a doormat to your in-laws. 

Post # 6
Member
8807 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

knotyet :  

I don’t know what to do without being rude” — Telling her “your stupid guests aren’t welcome!” would be rude. There is absolutely nothing rude about saying “we can’t add them because we’ve already given the venue our final count.

“and Future Mother-In-Law did not ask, rather stated to add them, so I’m in a weird place.” — Makes no difference at all. It means she’s ballsy, it doesn’t mean she’s right. 

Fiance is not on this text either.” — Don’t you talk to him though? Tell him “you’re mom is trying to add people again, please tell her they’re not invited because we’ve already turned in our numbers.”

So, I respond that I cannot add them to the RSVP, because numbers were turned in weeks ago,” — Perfect! So the problem’s solved! 

but Fiance and I will just settle up with the venue after.” — Wait, what? Why? If you just stopped after “our numbers were turned in weeks ago” you’d be done. Why did you add this? You’re allowed to say no.

Post # 7
Member
3062 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

You both are definitely going to need to grow spines and learn how to stand your ground. If you think she’s bad now, welp, this is just the beginning especially if you both plan on children.

No is a valid response. 

Post # 9
Member
6322 posts
Bee Keeper

You need to start saying no to this lady! she is going to continue to bull doze your life unless you do. 

My Mother-In-Law was the same haha. I eventually had to tell fi to tell her: NO MORE CHANGES. Everything is final. End story. It worked, even if she wasn’t happy about it lol. But seriously, who tries to add people to a Destination Wedding 5 days out? Ugh. 

Post # 10
Member
8807 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

knotyet :  “The problem is that these people, who I don’t know if Fiance knows or not, have already been told they could come by his mom. They’re coming from out of state, meaning they’ve made travel arrangements and whatever else.” — This might be A problem, but it’s not YOUR problem. 

I do talk to Fiance, and he doesn’t see a problem with this.” — Ohhh… Do you mean he doesn’t see a problem with your mom inviting people? If so, that is your problem. If he’s fine with it and doesn’t have your back, then that’s definitely a problem.

 

Post # 11
Member
4469 posts
Honey bee

I think the main problem is you equate assertiveness and confrontation as rude.  It’s just called having a conversation.  The word no isn’t rude.  Having boundaries isn’t rude.  The sooner you learn that, the happier you will be.  You can assert yourself, confront others, and establish boundaries respectfully.  I would recommend heading to the library to check out books on asserting yourself, people skills, and building confidence.

Eta: and as others have pointed out you and your Fiance needed to be 100% on the same page and he had to be willing to deal with his family.  So a lot of this most recent drama is an Fiance issue, not a parents issue.

Post # 12
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

knotyet :  You and your Fiance need to be more assertive. Their behavior will only get worse with time.

I do think BOTH of you need to tell his parents that you can’t accommodate any more guests as numbers had to be finalized weeks ago. If this couple has to come, then his parents need to pay up. I get that it’s only a few hundred bucks, but if there aren’t consequences then his parents will continue to use you two as a doormat. Think they have strong personalities now? Wait until you have kids.

 

Post # 13
Member
47194 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Your Future Mother-In-Law needs to be told that it is her responsibility to tell those people that she erred in inviting them and that unfortunately the venue won’t be able to accommodate any more guests. As a pp said, it is a problem, but it is HER problem, not yours.

There is a difference between assertive and aggressive. Assertiveness is a desirable quality.

Post # 14
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

We had an adults only wedding. We made a three exceptions with relatives traveling several states away. But we were firm on the friends with kids. If we would have opened that can of worms, our wedding would have been a kid party. No thank you.

I found out 2 weeks before the wedding that my Mom had told a few friends that they could bring their kids/grandkids because they were unable to find a sitter. They had 3 months notice. You’re telling me you couldn’t find someone to watch your kids? And they were local! My mom’s reason was that she was MOB so she could tell them yes. *eye roll*

I made her go back to her friends and tell them no. So they ended up not coming.

 

Post # 15
Member
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

“FMIL, We will accommodate this last couple, because you already told them they can come. But if any more are added, I expect you to pay their way. I understand you want everyone to be able to come and celebrate with us, but by adding these people you are putting us in a tough spot financially. Not a great way to start a marriage, I am sure you undertand” 

Be accommodating, but assertive. Do Not Let Her Steamroll you. This day is all about YOU and you FI! 

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