Post # 1
I’ve been having a really difficult time with my friends lately, and i dont know what to do.
my group of friends is comprised of high school and college friends, we are quite tight knit. the group i hang out with on a more regular basis is my high school friends. My relationship situation, for those that don’t know: i’ve known my SO for 7 years, dating seriously for 2 years, and we’ve live together for almost 1 year. all my friends have known him for longer than we’ve been dating.
The current situation is that none of my friends are even close to the type of committed relationship we are in ( his friends aren’t either but thats another story) As a result i have a really hard time relating to them, and i feel like they exclude me from things sometimes. I strongly believe my best friend borderline resents my relationship some times because it takes away from time with her. The other day they had a “singles night” and basically told me i wasnt allowed to come, when i called them out for being exclusive and ridiculous, they told me i was overeacting, and i was [still am] shunned and no doubt they talked behind my back endlessly about it the whole night.
Also, we have two friends that are in [separate] relationships and they are or have cheated. This drives me crazy. i’ve gotten to the point where based on my personal values, i dont even want to be around them and dont know if i can be their friend.
My SO and I are desperate for some ‘couples’ friends, or at least friends that dont want to go out and get hammered every night, or friends that arent cheating and lying, etc. I really feel like the rift between me and my friends is widening and its really painful, since weve been friends for over a decade. I’m almost 25 and my SO is 26, so we are on the younger side, but i mean, its not unheard of that people are in committed relationships at this age.
any advice? any of you been in similiar situations? i feel like i have no one to talk to, and even worse, feel like i’m losing my friends. 🙁
Post # 3
I wish I could share a similar experience with you. Fortunately for me my friends have never acted this way toward me just b/c I was in a relationship. It didn’t matter if we had bf’s/gf’s, we still COULD related to one another b/c we share a lot in common in our interests and personal beliefs.
From the looks lof it you don’t have much in common with your friends anymore, more or so b/c your friends need to start growing up and maturing. Their behavior toward you is not acceptable at all. As I’m getting old I’m find out that it is hardly to meet quality friends. But when you do… they are great. 🙂 Now that I’m in my late 20’s I’m truly discovering what my expectations are for friendships and have little tolerance for bullshit anymore. I think you and SO are experiencing much of the same but on a different level.
You and SO will be able to make new friends who share similar intersets and aren’t as much drama. Have you met anyone at work that you can relate to? Do you and Fiance have outsid activities where you can meet people?
Post # 4
If you’re not trying to bring your Fiance on girls’ nights, i don’t see why they would want to even have “singles night”. that’s really childish. They’ll grow out of it but unfortunately it sounds like they’re going to be immature for a while. Hold your head up, speak your concerns and if they don’t take your feelings into account, they’re not as good of friends as you thought they were. 🙁
Post # 5
We have the same problem. Honestly, the best thing you can do is make new friends. Stay in touch with the older friends, still, but branch out a bit. Let’s face it – you’re at a different stage in your life and have different values than your friends. You’re not in the college mindset, but they still are. If they had a singles night, it probably wasn’t to shun you…it was so they could wallow in their own self-pity. They’re too concerned about themselves to think about how it affects you. Until you’ve learned to love someone else, unfortunately most things work this way.
Don’t worry! Tough it out and branch out!
Post # 6
I have a few friends that I’m starting to consider only acquaintances because of this same issue. They simply can’t get over the fact that my being in a relationship doesn’t have to affect our friendship – it’s like as soon as I became part of a couple, i was dead to them. It sucks, but I also know that it is probably hard on them to be single when a lot of their friends are settling down (i know that isn’t the case for you, though).
My advice is to pull away a bit and try to branch out and meet new people, and if they can grow up and be a little more mature about things, maybe you can rekindle the friendship down the road. I know it hurts right now, but you’ll likely find you dont miss all the bs you’ve had to put up with from them!
Post # 7
yeah I always still hung out with my friends even when I was engaged, I am the one who feels different now, before we talked about difficulty dating and having a hard time,but now that I am happily married, I cant relate that way anymore, i still hang out but just stay mum when it gets to that topic, in NYC I had so many single girlfriends I had so much fun with
since moving to england after getting married, I have a mixed group of friends, they are single and I can still have fun but because it is mixed company it doesnt steer so much towards the dating scene and the topics are more general; although at times my single girlfriends start wishing they were coupled up or start talking about exes I just stay mum; but then they wouldnt be out having fun with a group of friends anymore, so it’s all about different stages in life
I think your friends feel threatened and outside your league now, time to keep the good ones and move on and make new ones who have something in common with you; yeah I always felt uncomfortable with cheating friends, nothing to do with me but in the end it reflects their morals and the fact that they are shunning you just shows how immature their thinking is and how much you dont have in common
move on, my dear, move on
Post # 8
I can relate to your situation. I have a couple friends in particular that just don’t understand that I am very happy to be committed to a wonderful man, and just don’t want to hit the clubs every weekend like I used to. They definitely call less and with semi-subtleness try to pry into why I’m getting married in the first place, as if “he makes me really happy” isn’t the real reason. When I say that I am truly happy and fulfilled with my Fiance, they say “Um, ok…I guess if that’s what makes you happy…” I *think* that’s being supportive on their terms, but I don’t get it. They also make choices that I do consider slightly unethical. And I just can’t relate to some of them. And that definitely makes things weird, I feel you there too.
What you have, a committed, fulfilling and loving relationship, might be something your friends want, don’t have, and therefore of which are jealous. That jealousy might lead to their exclusivity and aloofness. I’m sorry honey, it hurts, especially when you’re been friends with these women for years. Hopefully when you do get married and start building your new life, you’ll come to be with more people who just truly care about YOU and your well being, regardless of how their situation in life differs from theirs. That is my hope for my life as well. It DOES feel lonely (I’m was actually just sitting here on this rainy evening feeling sorry for myself about this right now, go figure!) Also, I agree with you that it can be weird to have a close friendship with girls who don’t necessarily have the same standards of what is “ok” and what is not when it comes to cheating, etc. It’s hard to have a balancing act of being a supportive, non-judgemental friend, but still wanting to express concern for the choices they make in a way that won’t coerce defensiveness.
My feeling is that, with these friends, I would recommend not making a huge effort to remain in the circle, but if they convey that they miss you, always be open to being a loving friend to them (obviously without them walking all over you and giving nothing in return). My dispostion that I try to have in my situation like this towards my friends is, “I’m here for you. But if you need me, you need to make it a point to call me, meanwhile I will pursue relationships that have proven beneficial to my self-esteem and well being.” Of course I don’t say this, but this is what I aim to be in situations where I’m just not connecting with some friends anymore, and when they make me feel bad for being happy with my relationship. You need people who will support YOU in what makes you happy! Good luck dear, and congratuations on your engagement!