- 4 years ago
Going anon here…my Darling Husband knows I use Wedding Bee and Lord knows I don’t need him finding this…it would just blow up terribly. I just wanted some unbiased opinions from those outside the box, with no ties to us. My Darling Husband and I got married a little over 8 months ago and I am now currently 28 weeks pregnant with our first child. There is an age gap between us…he’s 45 and I’m 29. He has a son, “Brandon” (13 years old) from a previous marriage that stays with us over Summer break, Christmas break, Spring break, and every other weekend during the school year. From the start, I knew my husband could have a temper, but nothing crazy. I will preface this by saying he has never hit me and I know he never, ever would. I’m more of a optimistic person, trying to always find the positive in every situation…no sense in crying over spilled milk, right?
Anywho, I’ve noticed since I’ve gotten pregnant, he has been a bit more quick to blow up at even the smallest things. He has no fuse…it’s either he’s happy/content with the world and his life OR he’s pissed off at the world and everyone in it and he’s not afraid to express that, especially towards me. I have NOT been a naggy wife throughout this pregnancy at all. I have very much maintained my independence to the best of my ability, even pushing it at times. I haven’t made him wait on me hand and foot, haven’t made him go through roller coasters of emotions and breakdowns, and I haven’t really complained at all…just a “oh man I feel big today” here or there. Again, nothing crazy. He has NO patience with anything…Brandon knows this and I’ve even mentioned it to my Darling Husband many times. It can be something as simple as (true story), Brandon wanted to eat chicken tenders for dinner one night. He had the ketchup out on the table and was done with it, so my Darling Husband went to get it and put it up. He reached for it and closed the top on it and he got some ketchup on his hand because of it. You would have thought the ketchup blew up in his hands, he got so irritated. That’s just one story of many and a minor one at that.
We also have a dog, 2 years old, who is so sweet…I’ll admit she can get in the way sometimes, but she just loves being around us and people in general. I love her to pieces and love spoiling her. He will get frustrated if she has a couple toys left out in the floor and they are in his path. Instead of walking around them or picking them up and putting them away, he will huff and puff and yell at her and ultimately end up kicking her toys across the room!? He hasn’t been “rough” with her per se when she gets in his way, but he has pushed her a couple times, if she’s “under foot” or in his path. I hate it for her because she’s a sweet girl and a rescue dog at that. He says I’m too lenient on her and I let her get away with too much. I may be lenient on her in his eyes, but she’s a dog and she is my baby.
Well getting to the possible verbal abuse…I’ve had 2 other serious relationships in my life…my high school sweetheart and another guy I dated in my last bit of college, throughout the police academy (I’m no longer a police officer now and my Darling Husband used to be one, but is no longer one either), and a little over a year after that. Both relationships were very verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive. I’m glad they are in my past!! Whenver my Darling Husband and I get into an argument, most of the time it’s just silly. However, it’s how he reacts to our arguments and how he talks to me. He knows my past relationships and the disrespect I got from both of them. It’s the language more than anything. He will cuss me up one side and down the other, with no remorse until I either cry or walk away and don’t talk to him for a while. He has never called me names or said mean things about me when we fight, but just cusses me out. I’ve told him how I hate him cussing at me because I feel it’s disrepsectful. My dad has never and would never talk to my mom that way, nor would my brother talk to my SIL that way and I can assure you she would never allow it. Every argument we have, it usually starts with something minor-seriously and he blows up…like 0 to 60 mph in the blink of an eye and starts cussing me automatically. I either get really quiet and take it OR sometimes I will fight back and yell at him…and yes I have cussed back at him sometimes, only after he has cussed at me. I tell him it’s disrespectful…he, of course, says he is not disrespecting me, but if I’m telling him I FEEL disrespected, doesn’t my feeling disrespected warrant that? (If that makes sense?)
The most recent incident, over the course of many in the past 5-6 months) happened over the weekend. It’s really silly & ridiculous, honestly…my parents bought us a custom recliner/glider from Buy Buy Baby. We do not have a BBB close to us, so the store we ordered it from is close to my brother & sister in law, which they live 2 states away. We travel sometimes to see them, along with my niece and nephew. I got the call earlier last week that the chair had come in, so we decided to go get it this past weekend. (The chair could not be delivered to us…it had to be delivered to the store we ordered it from.) We had a great weekend…we left Saturday to get it, spent time with my brother, SIL, niece, & nephew, and my parents were also visiting as well. Sunday we went to go get the chair. Since I wasn’t exactly sure where to go, my SIL drove us (my mom & I) to the store. My SIL started feeling bad while we were there and thought she may be coming down with the flu…it happened so quickly. (She ended up being diagnosed with mastitis later.) They couldn’t find my chair and the longer it took, the worse she started feeling. I felt bad for her, knowing she still had to drive us back to her house. They ended up FINALLY finding the chair and 2 guys helped us load in the car. It had to be taken out of the box to get it in the car, which was fine…they rolled it out in the box, cut the side of the box open and loaded it. I will say my Darling Husband texted me and told me to check it over, it was hotter than hell and my SIL felt terrible, so given the circumstances, I really didn’t have an opportunity to do so. I just assumed it was fine based on the company and their quality, etc. Well fast forward us getting home Sunday evening…we were unloading the car and decided to take the chair inside the house. Lo and behold, as my luck would have it, there was a small orange stain (grey chair), on the left arm of the chair. I saw that and said “Oh yeah! I’m definitely calling the company tomorrow and my warranty will cover this!” He leaned over and immediately went from 0 to 60 on me…”I told you to f*ckin’ check the damn chair! What the f*ck were you doing?” I tried telling him my SIL felt terrible, to which he replied “F*ck her! F*ck her! I told you to f*ckin’ check it over!” I didn’t have a chance to explain any part of the circumstances because when I tried to he would cut me off, cussing and all. I started to shut down and got quiet…we finally got the chair in the house…it was heavy and awkward for me being pregnant, but we did it. I went back out to get the back of the chair, since it came in 2 parts and he came out after me, yelling and cussing…with me yelling back at him to stop talking to me like that. He suddenly got quieter and noticed my neighbor was outside on his porch…he then told me to quiet down because he was outside, to which I replied “NO! I don’t care…he needs to hear how you talk to me!” Probably not the best thing to say, but my emotions were high. Getting back in the house, I set the back of the chair down in the nursery, went to the bathroom, and was getting ready to leave to go pick up the dog from the sitters. As I was getting ready to leave, I noticed he was unpacking his clothes and such in Brandon’s room, which he normally does. I told him, calmly, “I’m just going to say this…I’m not your mom and I’m not Lynn (his ex-wife), so I refuse for you to talk to me like I’m one of them or a dog. You were not there, so you don’t know how it unfolded for me to not check it over”….to which he turned around and started yelling & cussing at me again. I started walking away and yelled at me to “YOU come back here”, I turned around mid hallway and started crying telling him I didn’t deserve this, he was disrespecting me, and that’s when I finally started cussing back at him-not calling him names, just cussing back at him. I told him I just wanted to stay at my parent’s house that night so I could get away from him and his mouth…then I kept walking down the hallway. I went in the kitchen to grab my purse and the money on the counter to pay the sitter for watching the dog…I said “I didn’t sign up for this”, to which he responded “Well then why don’t you just f*cking leave!” To which I responded “I am!” As I was walking down the steps toward the door, the cussing from him continued and I looked back at him and said “Keep talking to me like you do and disrespecting me, because it’s going to be a great and happy f*cking marriage!” From there I slammed the door and left. My poor neighbor saw me coming out of the house, in tears, get in my car, and leave.
I went to get the dog and drove around for couple hours after that before I finally went home. He tried to call me once and I didn’t answer. He texted me and said “i’m sorry for losing my temper again. I just get frustrated with the situation and I cuss. It is not directed toward you even though it seems that way. It is just my anger with the situation.” This is a constant excuse whenever we argue/fight and he cusses me. We haven’t talked since Sunday night and the past 2 nights he has slept in Brandon’s room. I sent him a long email yesterday basically telling him he needs counseling to figure out where this extreme anger and lack of patience is stemming from because it is terrible. Told him I was worried about when the baby comes because when something doesn’t go as planned or messes with what he’s doing, he is just going to lose it….mentioned again about my dad nor my brother ever talking to my mom or SIL that way. Lynn said that he would lose his temper when Brandon was born too….he got mad at their dog once and kicked the crate, putting a hole in the wall! She said he never hit her or Brandon or the dog, but would just lose it at the drop of a hat over the most minor little things. I told him this was the 2nd worst fight we’ve had to where I’ve considered calling the pastor and telling him we need to see him and work through this. I also suggested that we both go to counseling or just him or both of us. Now I’m not saying I’m leaving him by any means, but I can’t deal with a lifetime of this and I’ve told him that. I don’t want my child to grow up seeing this behavior and thinking it’s okay! Nor do I want Brandon to continue to see his dad treat me, his stepmom, that way and think it’s okay…and I told my Darling Husband that. I also pointed out that I know I’m not perfect and I continuously do try my best to better myself daily…that I do my best to contribute where I can in our marriage financially (he’s the breadwinner), physically, emotionally, etc….told him I was willing to help him work through this and better himself, but ultimately it is up to him to decide to change because I can’t do that for him. I know he got the email, but he hasn’t responded nor tried to talk to me at all. I’m walking on eggshells in my own house!!
Is this verbal abuse…emotional abuse…mental abuse? What do you ladies suggest I do? I can’t continue wondering what is going to set him off today and deal with the “abuse” from it. He says I’m his support system, so that’s why I get the blunt of his moods…but once you beat your “support system” down to nothing, then what? He does make me happy and he is good to me, but when the littlest thing sets him off, he turns into the “angry Hulk” and anyone in his way has to deal with him, which it is almost always me…and I end up being talked to like I’m a piece of garbage on the side of the road. With me being pregnant, I really don’t need this additional stress in my life…much less my own house.
Thanks for reading Bees! I know it was long and I hope it made sense….I’m sure many of you will think it’s immature and silly…which it is, I’ll admit!