(Closed) Verbal abuse? Maybe? *Long*

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
1419 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

It sounds like he has some problems. Maybe anxiety, maybe anger problems, maybe blood pressure. Or he is just an angry miserable person. You won’t know until he will want to fix it. Counseling is one thing, but he should go to regular doctor to get a check up and make sure there is no internal reason for his outbursts if you know what I mean.

Hugs to you Bee.

Post # 3
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Girl if it’s not verbal abuse it sure missed a fine opportunity. 

This is how my dad used to be with my mom/us. Never hit her that we know of but just 0-60 over NOTHING. He’s gotten much better now because he I guess found inner peace or whatever but honestly for the sake of Brandon and your soon to be new baby, please don’t put them through this.

I am not explicitly telling you to leave, but you should seek advisement from a trained therapist WITHOUT your husband. Just because he has not hit doesn’t mean he never will. 

Additionally, he is showing you exactly who he is and you need to believe him. For me, that would mean leaving. My husband knows that if he ever talked to me or about my sister the way your husband has, at best we’d be separating for a while but more than likely if it was a pattern, we’d be done. 

 

Love does not sound like this. Love does not hurt. 

 

ETA: I would recommend having him see a doctor but only after a therapist has advised you on how to suggest it because he won’t take it well. My dad we think is bipolar or some personality disorder and while thankfully it is now under control (and honestly I don’t know how he got t that way, meds or other) he was non receptive to seeing a doctor about his outbursts. So idk how to guide you to get him to that point but if you can, and he can get it treated, please do. 

 

Post # 4
Member
1531 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

This is abuse.  Support system doesn’t mean punching bag.  “It’s just my anger”–well he needs to learn to control his anger.  If there were a gun to his head would he still drop so many F bombs?  I bet not.  So, he CAN control his anger, therefore he needs to learn to do it.  He is 45 not 5 and should know how to deal with emotions in a mature way.  If not, you ain’t his mom it’s not your job to figure it out for him.  

I feel bad for you and I feel bad for Brandon.  I also feel bad for your unborn child.  You don’t want these kids to grow up with that kind of example.  When some people tell you that two-parent households are better, they don’t mean under any circumstances and they certainly don’t mean that one of the two parents is anything like your husband.  Those kind of parents do way more harm than good.   

I see clear as day why Lynn is his ex-wife.  I bet he thinks it was all her too.  

Post # 5
Member
9982 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

eggshells15 :  Yes, what he is doing is seriously abusive.  Verbal abuse is psychologically abusive and emotionally abusive.  Most of the time abuse escalates, it could easily become physical and he could seriously hurt you, your unborn baby or your dog, even unintentionally.  He needs serious help and so do you. 

This is a situation you need to get professional help for.  Him cursing at you as you’ve described is completely unacceptable.  And, although you were provoked, you cursed back at him – you’re very lucky he didn’t snap and physically assault you. 

HUGS.  I’ve been there.  If I were you I would stay away from him and come up with a plan to keep myself and my baby safe away from him.  He’s a jerk and an asshole at best and a violently dangerous man at worst. 

I know you love him but you can’t put up with a lifetime of this behavior.  You know it’s wrong.  It’s even more wrong to subject innocent children to this.  It is not normal to have a violent, vicious temper over minor life incidents like that. 

Maybe he can get help, if he’s willing to, like anger management therapy or something like that.  But only if he’s willing to, you can’t force him because that never works. This is a behavior that he’s choosing and he needs to learn better stress-coping methods, whether you stay together or not.  Sooner or later he’s going to ruin his own life if he doesn’t make major changes, don’t let him ruin yours in the process.

I hope you can find some peace and safety.  You’re pregnant, you don’t need the stress. Stress hormones are bad for the baby, as I’m sure you already know.

Post # 6
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

He needs help. His apologies are worthless unless he actually do something about it. Doctor check up is first thing in the line – regular check up for physical things. If he comes up with clean bill of health, therapy is the next required things. The way he reacts is abnormal, and something needs to be done. 

Post # 7
Member
4243 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

You are playing this off like it’s no big deal but it is a HUGE deal.  This man is not respectful toward you.  He may not call you names but that doesn’t mean cursing at you is fine.  My husband was upset and cursed at me ONCE in the heat of the moment.  I immediately turned around to tell him how disrespected I felt and how he should NEVER treat his wife like that and he realized right away that what he did was unacceptable.  He promised never to do it again and that was the end of it.

Your husband needs help.  Serious help.  He needs to go to counselling.  He needs to go to anger management classes.  Frankly, I know you are pregnant and not in a great place to leave but you do need to do so, immediately.  Stay with a friend or a family member.  Tell them the situation.  Bring your dog with you.  Give your husband a timeline, say 6 months.  Tell him he has that long to turn his life around and if he doesn’t you are divorcing him.  I know it’s scary.  I know it’s hard.  But love doesn’t look like this and you as well as your unborn baby deserve more.

Post # 8
Member
374 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

He sounds Bipolar. and I dont say that as a joke, my fiance is bipolar. he gets set off when stress is high. I would during a calm time and maybe even with the minister and layout the foundation and rules for arguements. I did this with my fiance. I love him but I have no tolerance for that level of disrespect. and yes he is being VERY disrespectful. My other suggestion would be to not engage him when he is cussing you. remove you, his child and your dog and leave. go to a park, go to lunch. whatever or where ever you need to go. but tell him you will not subject all those you love to his verbal abuse. and when the child is born. tell him to leave even if its to the back yard to calm down.  

Post # 9
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

This behavior would worry me very much. Things aren’t about to get LESS stressful with a newborn in the house – I’d be concerned that after a few sleepless nights, his fuse would be even shorter and his rage directed at the baby. His apologies are more excuses than apologies, and he definitely needs some counseling so that he can learn to communicate frustration in a healthy way – i.e. NOT by screaming and cursing over every little thing that goes wrong. Of course no one is perfect, my husband and I both get stressed and get snippy with one another, but his reactions are just way extreme.  

Post # 10
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Honestly, it is abusive.  Emotionally and verbally.  I don’t think he’s a bad person, though.  I think it sounds like he has some demons (mental health, anger/impulse issues).  This is likely rooted in his past somehow.  He needs help/counseling.  Under no circumstances should you walk on eggshells in your own home with the man you love.

Post # 11
Member
272 posts
Helper bee

This is 100% abuse. He clearly has anger issues and needs help immediately, especially with a baby on the way. This is not okay and you don’t deserve to be treated that way. He knows he has a problem based on his “apology” to you, but has he ever agreed to get help?

Good luck to you, bee. Just know that you should not brush this off or think it’s silly. This is not okay. At all.

Post # 12
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

eggshells15 :  This sounds like my dad to a T. If silverware drops to the floor…he loses his shit. Now he did a lot of name calling, but swearing is his favorite. He can go from 0 to 60 in a second. Always apologises later, always says that it was his temper, never does a THING to curb it.

It was not fun growing up with him, and I stood up to his shit the most, so we fought most often. I moved out at 24. We still speak, and since my mom passed, I’ve made a little more effort being that he’s the only parent I have left, but when he starts screaming I leave.

I tell people that ask that I love my dad because he’s my dad, but I don’t like him as a person. He’s absolutely awful. In the moments when he is actually genuinely happy, he’s a fun guy, but those are very few and far between.

The change has to come from him. I understand my dad’s temper because I have it too. Sometimes things happen and I want to scream for no good reason, but I refuse to let myself become him. I keep myself in check a lot, because it’s there, under the surface, but I’ve made a conscious effort to stop things from escalating. My dad has never made that effort, or at least not nearly enough of one. If your Darling Husband goes to counseling, that is a good step. Unfortunately, he has to want to change, like, really want to change.

They say that girls marry someone like their father, and I specifically married someone who was NOT like him at all. After 24 years of it I refused to subject myself to it anymore.

Post # 13
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee

The definition of abuse is: treat (a person or an animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly.

YES, this is abuse! Cussing is unacceptable. False apologies are unacceptable. Misdirected anger is unacceptable. Incessant blame is unacceptable. Kicking inanimate objects, using divorce/leaving as a tool is unacceptable. He has only one coping mechanism, and it is not healthy at all.

I would not trust this man to never, ever hit you. He sounds like a loose cannon. Good for you for starting the conversation, but it’ll take a lot of work on his part to actually change. Do not subject your child to his anger. I grew up with an angry father, and it’s taken a huge toll on my family.

Post # 14
Member
467 posts
Helper bee

I stopped reading when you said he shoves your dog. Red flags galore. 

Post # 15
Member
1603 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

eggshells15 :  Here’s an opinion from the other side; I’ve got both the shortest fuse I’ve ever seen in a person and the mouth of a sailor. There have been many fights with my Darling Husband where I’ve sworn–I mean, “fuck” is a part of my everyday vocabulary, to the point where I’m known in my crowd for being the potty-mouth, so it’d be ridiculous to assume that I’d never break it out during a heated moment, of which I’ve had maaaany.

That being said, there’s probably only… one or two arguments that I can think of, over the course of 7 years, where I’ve cursed at Darling Husband, rather than at a situation, or as a general modifier. He also has no problem calling me out when he thinks my language is getting too outrageous, and I have no problem realizing that, yeah, he’s probably right, considering he’s fine with my every day cursing. 

So, from someone who’s closer to your husband’s attitude than yours, I still don’t think it’s okay for him to act like that. Maybe you could get a bit of a thicker skin when it comes to his cussing–in my situation, Darling Husband knows that my cussing isn’t directed at him but is a way for me to deal with a stressful situation–but if it’s making you feel bad, he should tone it down out of respect for you. The fact that your husband doesn’t seem to understand that is pretty concerning to me.

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