(Closed) Verbal abuse? Maybe? *Long*

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 31
Member
1810 posts
Buzzing bee

I am going to echo a PP’s sentiment. Sometimes when I argue, I swear. Swearing is a normal part of my day most days, primarily as a way to put emphasis on a sentiment or a thought (and much of this consists of a general “what the f”). But there has only been a handful of times in the years that Darling Husband and I have been together where I have leveled that language in an argument with him–and not in a menacing way, either. Off the top of my head, I think I mentioned that something was “f-ing ridiculous” once or twice. Inflammatory? Yup. Scary and damaging? Doubtful.

But this sounds different. It sounds like he really goes down a road with it all and includes physical actions as well–kicking inanimate objects, for example. This is menacing behavior as is screaming and threatening to leave or telling one to leave. This is dangerous to a relationship and to the person it’s being leveled at–it’s emotionally harmful if nothing else. So yes, this qualifies as verbal abuse. There is no inbetween–he reacts instead of acts and this is his go-to behavior nearly every or every time he is irritated or angry. No exasperated sighs, no rolling eyes, no snippy tone for 2 seconds…just flat out anger.

In light of that inability to control his reactions to whatever stimulus irritates him at the time, I’d recommend him finding a therapist that specializes in anger management. There are techniques out there that, when exercised over and over and in conjunction with other things, can dramatically help. And in light of how this will eventually erode your marriage, I’d make it an absolute requirement of you staying with him.

Post # 33
Member
586 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

My dad was like that, his anger was explosive and could happen over the stupidest things. Consider this: you are an adult, capable of making mistakes (i.e. the chair) and he reacted to you in that way? What will happen with the new baby in their toddler years? They are just learning everything, and of course will make mistakes, spill things, break stuff… How will he react then? I feel like I have deep emotional problems from my dads abuse as a child, I wished that my mom had left him when all us kids were young, but that didn’t really happen. 

 

It it was horrible, I actually remember not inviting friends over because we didn’t know what type of ‘mood’ dad was going to be in, and we didn’t want to risk The Family Secret. We were to never talk about what went on at home, it was just the unspoken rule. And sometimes, even until this day, (I’m in my 20s) I find myself doing things out of habit to protect myself even still (example: making NO noise when my SO is sleeping … My dad would go berserk if ever woken from his nap… Not leaving the fridge door open for more that about 2 seconds… He would yell at us for those things too, how we were wasting SO MUCH electricity, etc etc… He always sort of made us seem like some kind of financial drain, we weren’t allowed to take more than a few minutes in the shower, etc) I feel like anger is quite possibly one of the most selfish and damaging things. 

 

I cant say that I support divorce, however when it comes to abuse, I think it’s far worse to knowingly subject helpless children to it. And yes, verbal abuse IS a thing, and it’s just as damaging, if not more so, than out-and-out physical abuse. Please, seek help and make drastic changes before your baby is born

Post # 34
Member
2315 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess

I have a husband who has issues with anger. He was abused growing up, and raised in a cultish religion, with alcoholic parents (one with NPD), so I cut him some slack. We don’t fight very much, but when we do, it’s usually something really minor that sets him off. Examples: certain something I say or how I say it, or the look on my face when I say it. He’s very sensitive to feeling unconsidered, excluded, abandoned. When he snaps he becomes a completely different person.

He changes into this person that I cannot reason with. I try not to engage with him when he’s like this. He is mean to me when he is in this state. He will bring up our sex life or me being the breadwinner to hurt me. Eventually, I usually cry, and he realizes that he is acting like a monster. He returns to his normal self, and we move forward.

He is on some medications now and is going to psychchiatrist and also a psychologist for talk therapy. If he were unwilling to work on his issues, I would not stay with him. Most of our time together is wonderful. Ugh, Im not sure why I went into all this, but I guess I relate. If your husband can’t commit to working on his problems, you should leave. If you raise a child in that environment, it will impact them greatly. (my husband’s parents yelled and fought a lot all his life). Give your husband a chance, but only one, to get help and keep his family. If he won’t, I would suggest leaving him.

Post # 36
Member
549 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

eggshells15 :  He is unequivocably abusing you, his son, and your dog. I’m really sorry you are going through this. This isn’t good at the best of times, and I am sure it is seriously difficult now that you are pregant.

 

Post # 37
Member
549 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

eggshells15 :  you might take the vows seriously, but that is not an excuse to endure this abuse. I doubt he will change, and if he doesn’t, I hope you take the sanity, health, and happiness of both you and your unborn child more seriously than those vows. 

I’ve been in an abusive relationship. It is not based on something you can/should do, but rather who the abuser is as a person. 

Post # 38
Member
6699 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

It is just semantics at this point whether you call it abuse or not. Does what you label it change the fact that neither you nor his son (and unborn child) should have to put up with this? Does what you label it change how he makes you feel? Does what you label it change when and how his outbursts happen? I didn’t think so, so if calling it abuse actually gets you to DO something about it, then bravo. Call it whatever you want to call it; you deserve better. I would tell him that he needs to get anger management/counseling ASAP. Tell him that you love him and believe that he wants to be better, but that it is clear that he cannot make that happen on his own. Tell him that it is past the point of forgiveness, and that if he doesn’t get professional help you will have to conclude that his continuing outbursts matter more to him than you do. Give him a firm direction of how to get help and a firm date after which you will no longer negotiate, and then keep your promise to walk away.

Post # 40
Member
2315 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess

oh man, that’s rough. you can do this!

Post # 41
Member
460 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

eggshells15 :  sounds like anger issues. He needs to get his arse to a specialist of some sort. You don’t deserve to feel this way, you keep saying about shutting down – this isn’t how a relationship works. You’re about to have a baby and the last thing you need is emotional tension like this. It may feel like abuse however before you make any rash decisions you need to both seek help. Relationships take time and effort. However they shouldn’t make you feel bad or anxious. You can’t go on like this. 

Post # 43
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

You seem to be a religious person. Do you have a good church that actually offers a good support in those issues? The church that would recognize this behavior as abuse, the pastor that would call out your husband on his behavior but at the same time try to encourage change? 

 

Remember, that you need support too. And a lot of it. 

Post # 44
Member
5167 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

This is very abusive. You shouldn’t be yelling so much and he shouldn’t be yelling at cussing at you when you’re pregnant. It’s very bad for the baby. He needs anger management and then you need to make some tough choices. 

Post # 45
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

eggshells15 :  This is very abusive behavior. Here is the thing: you’ve given him multiple ultimatums (that you won’t tolerate him treating you this way, using bad language, etc), but these are all empty threats and he sees that. I am NOT excusing his behavior whatsoever. But he sees that you are not going to leave, so he will not change. For the good of you and your child, please leave, at least temporarily, so that you can work this out.

I am not saying file divorce papers, but getting some distance will show that you are serious about his mistreatment of you and will get you the support you need from your parents. For goodness sakes, you shouldn’t be walking on eggshells in your own home, especially while pregnant! 

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