Hi Bees! I wanted to give yall an update…but before that, there are SO many good words of wisdom from yall and the things mentioned, I have definitely not taken lightly at all. Even though I haven’t responded to each of you and I’ve only given a “blanketed” thank you, I do want each of you to know I had read every post and every word in each post and have taken it very much to heart….and I truly, wholeheartedly appreciate each of you and the time and patience you have spent in reading my posts to help me.
I texted my pastor this morning on the way to work and asked him when he had a moment today, I wanted to speak with him for a few minutes. He called me a little later and we talked. I know some of you may not believe in the same faith that I do, so to some of you this “solution” may seem off base. Now, I will say I’m willing to fight for my marriage to work, because as I mentioned before, I take my vows very, very seriously….so I will fight, to the best of my ability, until it shows that it will be pointless and cause more harm to keep going, than to keep fighting.
I’m glad I was able to really be candid and an open book with my pastor. I, of course, cried right from the start…I told him I was ashamed and embarassed to even come to him…and quite honestly, I woke up in the middle of the night bargaining with myself to NOT contact him, but to instead figure it out on my own because of the embarassment and all. I’m glad I chose to reach out to him…he had some very encouraging things to say…of course included some scripture references, but overall, he gave me life experience examples that he, himself, had been through. He used to be an alcoholic and the language he used was very much similar as my husband’s, along with the lack of controlling his anger…in some ways different from my husband’s “control” of it…before he was a pastor. In no way at all was he making excuses for him and he made that VERY clear, but he used it as an example to show how God had worked in his life to change him….BUT with that said, it was because he was willing to change and save his marriage AND be a good, wholesome example for his children. He said that there is definitely some issues that he needs to work through and he was hoping that his (my husband’s) word, promises, and vows were going to reflect his behavior as we started off into our married life together from what my husband had said in our pre-marital counseling sessions. My pastor had to attend counseling, but it was only until he realized that it truly was a serious problem, for ALL of the depths of what it was. He told me to not leave, but to stand my ground on this because the only way we can work through this, is together…not apart…and I have to show my husband I’m strong and will not be a pushover. I do agree…to an extent, although I do feel my husband would see how serious I am, if I did leave or at least separate myself from the situation for a day or even a few days.
My pastor went on to tell me that it will not be easy, but as long as we are BOTH willing to work through this together, changes can be made and my husband can regain a healthy sense of anger management and adapt to anger management mechanisms that will help him work through his problems when things arise and test his patience…or lack there of…and his anger. I was on the phone with my pastor close to an hour, but I did feel much better after speaking with him and getting “our secret” out there. He assured me to not feel embarassed or ashamed and made me promise him, again, that I would reach out to him if there was ever a problem again. Ultimately though, he said my husband has to truly be willing and have the vulnerability and transparency to realize and admit his problems and issues and work through them, with the help of a professional counselor. He told me to be prepared for resistance on my husband’s part to this…and that he may or may not admit it and that he may or may not agree to seek help. In the end if he’s not willing, but I am, it will never work. I assured him again, I was willing to fight for my marriage and fight for whatever will make my husband healthy…but more than anything, I was willing to fight for my unborn baby, Brandon, and my dog…only I can be the voice for them…even though Brandon has Lynn, I’m still his voice too. He agreed that me taking care of myself and my unborn child, along with the dog, should be my #1 priority. He told me if I ever, at any moment, felt unsafe and that I was going to be physically harmed, then I needed to leave and get to a safe place immediately..and he made me promise that I would, if that ever crossed my mind or happened. At the end of the conversation, he told me to please keep him posted and he would be praying for me…and he would try to find the name of the gentleman he was thinking of for my husband to seek professional help.
Well, while I was on the phone with my pastor, my husband tried to call me. I didn’t see this until I got back in my office and sat down. This time, I did text him and the conversation was as follows:
Me: “Sorry I missed your call. What’s up?”
Him: “I want you to forgive me and start talking to me again. I feel terrible!”
Me: “I want to start talking again too. I don’t like this at all.”
Me: “But with that said, I do think we need to look into counseling to help you through your anger management. I’m willing to do this & I hope you are too.”
Him: “Neither do I. I miss you and I miss talking to you. I can’t sleep at night and my neck and back have been hurting from stress.”
Him: “I am willing. But we need to discuss it.”
Me: “I haven’t slept well either & have cried a lot and have been stressed. I know this is not good for the baby, at all.”
Me: “I miss you too.”
Me: “I’m willing to discuss and work through anything. I just hope that is an avenue you’re not afraid to pursue and look into, because I do feel it is desperately needed.”
Him: “I’m sorry to have made you cry and it make me worry about the baby. When we were arguing that night and you started to cry I felt terrible! I have never wanted to say or do anything to you to hurt you that badly.”
Me: “I accept your apology…it was very hurtful, to say the least. I’ve never felt so helpless & dreading going back to my own home that night & every day since. I do hope that you realize and accept that is a problem that does need to be confronted & worked through and I’m willing to help you work through that, as long as you are too. It’s not healthy for any of us…you, me, the baby, Brandon, Lola.”
Him: “I do understand. I am very sorry that I yelled at you the way I did. I was very frustrated with the situation but not you. I am sorry that I took that frustration out on you.”
Me: “Thank you for your apology and I do accept it. I know you won’t be happy about this, but I was desperate because I felt I needed some encouragement and advice from someone who could really guide me in the right path, without my own emotions solely driving me….I talked to Jim and he is aware of the situation. He was very encouraging & gave me great advice for what he felt needed to be done for ALL of us and our marriage.”
I haven’t heard from his since then and that was at 11:24 am EST. He’s either busy at work, upset I called the pastor, or a mixture of both, possibly?
The only thing I didn’t like in his responses was the frustration over the situation…I still felt like he was pushing off his own responsibility for his actions, but maybe I’m reading into it? I do feel confident that we will be able to seek counseling together, or at least he will be, to work through this. I hope that confidence remains, once we do talk tonight. I don’t know why he ignored my email and has continued to ignore me since Monday…if he has felt so terrible & stressed…perhaps that will be discussed tonight? Am I being to naive…blinded? Or do you ladies feel this deserves a chance? I’m willing to give it a chance and try to work through it and get him the help he so desperately needs. But again, if he’s not willing to in the end…there is nothing more I can do and my pastor told me if he can’t admit it is a problem and seek help on it, then he will lose the one thing…or in this case 2 things (me & the baby)…that he claims to love more than anything in this world.