Post # 1
Hello bees. I’m seeking your experiences on the following. My fiance and I are getting married this October in Napa Valley and while I love him with all my heart, I worry that his verbal abuse might put an end to our relationship if not now, then in a divorce down the road from mutual resentment. That’s the last thing I want. I’m embarrassed to tell my friends and family what I’ve been going through because everyone views him as such a perfect guy, and our relationship as so great when really, I’ve been slowly seeing the nature of these arguments get worse and worse over the past few years. He has finally agreed to go to premarital counseling with 6 months to go, so that gesture is a good sign.
What I can’t figure out is if I really am to blame for the hurtful things he says as he claims – can women really be that much of a nag that we are the reason to spur men to say hurtful comments? I’ll admit I’m not perfect either, but who is? During sober fights, he’s told me that my lifestyle disgusts him, that I am manipulative, crazy, psycho, sick in the head, that I act like a toddler, am dramatic, over sensitive/overreacts to the things he says, tells me that I am “being stupid” at times, says that I show him that I need to be treated bad in order to be happy, curses at me, and says that if I don’t change and stop picking fights about how he makes me feel when he degrades me then he will be miserable with me. He is truly bewildered when I can’t just forget about a fight and move on (Is this a Mars/Venus thing?!). He even told me that he was done with me and the wedding was off, but then took it back soon after. He always takes everything back and feels truly contrite and absolutely wants to marry me and most of the time he is the most loving, perfect future husband a girl could ask for and is my best friend.
I need to know: are these intense fights a result of just pre-wedding stress? Is anyone else going through this? Does it get better, worse, or stay the same after you both learn the communication tools to deal with it? Has anyone had a good experience with premarital counseling? I just want to be in love and moving toward the rest of our lives together and living out the vows we will be saying this fall – for better or for worse – and this is really weighing heavily on my heart. Thanks for sharing your experiences and clarity.
Post # 3
Honestly, from what you are saying, I am glad that both of you are going to get counseling. Only the counselor is going to be able to help you find the answers to the questions you are asking. Personally, if I were you, I would postpone the wedding, until at least next year, until and if you can get things worked out between the two of you.
Post # 4
Definitely do some counseling. It sounds like his behavior towards you is completely abusive and unnacceptable. It’s not healthy for either of you. As you say, it may just be stress from the wedding building up… but I’d worry that if his normal release for stress is to turn verbally abusive then what happens in the future, after the wedding? It’s not like all your stress will be gone for eternity. Financial issues, kids, in laws, just normal random tiffs… relationships are work and if his immediate response is to degrade you in times of stress/conflict, that’s not going to magically stop after the wedding. He needs to learn healthier, more productive ways of dealing with his stress/anger management.
Post # 5
I would at least postpone the wedding until these things are sorted out. IMO how he is acting in unacceptable (stressed or not) and there are better ways to handle stress and disagreements. Threatening to not marry you is definately not a fair way to fight under any circumstances. Im glad he agreed to counseling and I hope you guys can work through this stressful time as a couple.
Post # 6
Oh sweetie, this isn’t pre-wedding stress. This is a case of being engaged to an asshole. I believe that we can spur each other on towards hateful comments, but everything you listed? Why would you stay with someone who spews such venom at you?
Has he always been like this? I assume he hasn’t, otherwise you wouldn’t have fallen in love with him, right?
And I just went and re-read where he takes everything back and is sorry and loves you and is perfect? Gah no wonder you’re so upset–no one likes being jerked around like that. 🙁
I’d say for sure counseling could help, if he really wants to make a change. But this guy doesn’t sound like he’s just dealing with something, he sounds like an abuser.
Post # 7
You said what I was thinking.
I just wanted to say, just because he aplogizes doesn’t make everything all better. That’s part of the cycle of abuse.
Try out your counseling, but please, please be ready to leave if his behavior doesn’t stop.
Post # 8
omg flow chart! I’m a sucker for a good chart.
But really, OP. This is a chronic pattern, one that’s gonna be hard to break.
Post # 9
@Engaged08: This is not normal, it’s not ok, and it’s not your fault. My advice is to get out of this toxic relationship as fast as you can and don’t look back. And good for you for recognizing the warning signs of his behavior and taking pause.
Post # 10
Ok, I had pre martial counseling about 3 weeks before the wedding. I waited too long but we had a severe issue that came up that needed to be addressed before we got married. There were some issues with him not taking my side and instead taking his mother side. Well, the counseling helped us realize that he was willing to work on his problem. We could have pushed back the wedding but it was too late for guests and we would have lost a lot of money if we did so. We do continue to go to marriage counseling to continue working on it. By going it has helped our relationship.
I not sure about your relationship but I would give counseling a try. Schedule one now instead of waiting and thinking things will solve itself. It probably won’t. It’s good to talk about it.
My husband recently has been what I would call verbally abusing me. Ok, I don’t think it’s that bad. It might just be me. He just puts me down a lot about things I do. I’m going to counseling for some personal issues and I talked to my counselor about it. She convinced me to stop ignoring it when he does this and to start sticking up for myself. It worked. I told him how I feel. I also think my husband was doing it because he himself is not happy with where he is with his career. I think he might be depressed. Anyway, I talked to him about how it makes me feel when he puts me down and he understood and he did think it had to do with how he feels about himself and that he was doing it because it was out of frustration that he wasn’t as successful as I am. He said he’ll work on it and I definitely see a difference. He didn’t realize how bad he was hurting my feelings.
Anyway, I think you should try counseling to see how you guys feel afterwards. If he wants to change, then there might be hope for your future.
Anyway, good luck.
Post # 11
I have to agree with the ladies-this is not normal, and not acceptable. One thing I would ask is that you look at how he talks to and about his mother, and also how his parents interract with each other. His idea of normal may be really screwed up. Love is important, but respect is just as important, if not more so. He may love you, but right now his behavior is desrespectful. I know, I’ve been there.
This will be my second marriage. I remember one moment very clearly, when I was engaged to my first husband. We were at his parents home and he got into a shouting match with his mother and called her a bitch. That rang a big warning bell in my head, which I wish I had listened to. It wasn’t long before he started calling me a bitch, and many other things. Verbal abuse, is still abuse. It goes both ways. I can’t abide women who verbally abuse their guys either, that is just as wrong. My Fiance now is just a great guy, has never called me a name, and never would. That I know for certain.
If you want to stick with this guy, seriously go into counseling and really address these issues. Don’t just assume everything will get better after the wedding. I can tell you from experience, that is not the case.
Post # 12
He does not sound loving to me. You can’t just be loving 90% of the time–that doesn’t count. Love means putting your partner first and protecting him or her EVEN WHEN YOU ARE ANGRY.
What he is saying to you is not ok at all, and it’s not your fault. Of course you aren’t perfect, but that doesn’t mean he can just say whatever horrible things pop into his head with no consequences. I work very hard to carefully control what I say to my hubby when we fight, because I love him and want to disagree in a way that won’t cause lingering resentment.
I hope you try counseling, and I hope it helps.
Post # 13
If he says all those things, he’s abusive. Get counselling or get out. Why marry him if you’re not happy?
Post # 14
It’s good that you have noticed this, But it is NOT your fault!
Normally it gets worse not better once your married.
Here is something i thought you should read:
“Relationship violence takes many forms, none of which is mutually exclusive. While physical violence may be the most visible form, others such as sexual, emotional, social, spiritual and economic abuse can be equally harmful. Examples of these forms of abuse include isolating a victim from family and friends, controlling their access to money, diminishing their self-esteem, threatening divorce or separation, preventing them from practising their religious beliefs, intimidating them, and threatening or abusing them.
Using violence is a choice which reveals a lack of respect for another person, and a desire to control them. Violence is not the inevitable result of anger, provocation, psychological limitations, bad childhoods, illness, stress, life crises, or substance abuse. People are responsible for their use of violence, and need to take responsibility for changing their behaviour.”
This site has a definition and some other facts if you’d like to know
Post # 15
I am really sorry that you are going through this.
I think some bees have given you some good insight.
As others have said, I do think it would be a good idea to postpone the wedding so you guys can fix your relationship.
I hope you can both work on your differences and maybe you having some private therapy may help you understand abuse a bit better.
I wish you guys all the best
Post # 16
It’s not right, and it’s not your fault! My advice echoes the other ladies – postpone the wedding, get counseling, and then decide whether the relationship can work or not. *hugs* I’m so sorry that you are going through this and I know it’s got to be really tough for you to hear what we are saying, but for your sanity and safety, fix the relationship to a healthy one (or get out of it) before you continue wedding plans.