(Closed) Verbal Abuse? Where do we go from here…

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
3519 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Please do try counselling, but I have to tell you, this sounds just like what my sister went through.  Her ex-husband was great in the beginning but didn’t really respect her or value her opinion (he’s in Finance, she’s a flight attendant).  Everything she had a view on would be ridiculed, and once he actually locked her out of house (took her keys) and went and played golf “to teach her a lesson”.  My dad was on a plane to Boston faster than you can blink, and she moved back home to start divorce proceedings.

DON’T be ashamed to talk to your family about this… they will be your support group if/when something bad happens.  You can’t be in this alone.

(((hug))) I wish you all the best.

Post # 18
2738 posts
Sugar bee

The wedding is not till October. I don’t think you should automatically postpone it. As long as he’s willing to go for counselling to learn how to fight fair. Look, we are human beings and we get angry and there are some bad thoughts we have in our head but we never ever express them. Trust me, I’ve looked at someone who shoved me while on the train and thought to call the person names, but I didn’t. He has to learn to fight fair. Maybe no one ever thought him that. The thing though is this, you seem to think it’s wedding planning related but I don’t think so. Yeah, when we are stressed, it excercerbates whatever/however we behave. I think your Fiance was probably like this from before. I think. I’m not there with you. However you choose, good luck.  Try and work it out first. There was a reason you fell in love with him in the first place.

Post # 19
968 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I am glad he has agreed to go to counseling. I feel it won’t be until after the counseling sessions that you will know your next move…

His current behavior is not acceptable, and if he never realizes that what he says is wrong, well…your marriage to him will not be a very happy one. You know this, but unfortunately it might take getting to that point after marrying him before you finally realize that it’s not going to get any better and you resolve that you should leave. I hope you are able to figure this out before you get to that point..

i wish you the best with this!

Post # 20
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

“What I can’t figure out is if I really am to blame for the hurtful things he says as he claims – can women really be that much of a nag that we are the reason to spur men to say hurtful comments?”

NO! Everyone is responsible for their own actions. There is absolutely nothing you can do to MAKE your partner verbally abuse you. He is CHOOSING to verbally abuse you. Even if you were being naggy and terrible, there is absolutely no reason for someone to be verbally abusive to you.

Definitely postpone the wedding to make sure you’re not signing up for either a lifetime of this or a nasty divorce. Frankly, I wouldn’t marry anyone who at one point had been so verbally abusive. I’ve been in verbally and emotionally abusive relationships before… it’s definitely possible to love your abuser and to be loved by your abuser in some unhealthy way, but there are so many people out there. Everyone is capable of loving and being loved by someone who would never, ever treat their partner this way. Don’t settle.

Post # 21
5089 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Just want to reinforce what others are saying.  This IS abusive, it is NOT just because of the wedding, it will NOT automatically get better when the wedding is over, and it is not not not your fault.

Going to counseling is good. It’s possible that if he understands that what he’s doing is abusive and wants to change that, he can. But unless and until he recognizes that this is entirely about HIM, and not about you, it will be a lost cause. He is blaming you for HIS actions, which is both manipulative and irresponsible. Unless that changes, you are much, much better off without him.

Post # 22
82 posts
Worker bee

You stated = During sober fights, he’s told me that my lifestyle disgusts him, that I am manipulative, crazy, psycho, sick in the head, that I act like a toddler, am dramatic, over sensitive/overreacts to the things he says, tells me that I am “being stupid” at times, says that I show him that I need to be treated bad in order to be happy, curses at me, and says that if I don’t change and stop picking fights about how he makes me feel when he degrades me then he will be miserable with me.  He is truly bewildered when I can’t just forget about a fight and move on (Is this a Mars/Venus thing?!).  

What the hell happens durning drunk fights is my question ? I mean to start off stating durning sober fights, makes one wonder if you are eluding that there is a drinking problem on top of this ? If not okay, but I for one, would not listen to the crap from a stranger, relative, friend, let alone my SO/ F1 !!! To tell you,  you need to be treated badly to feel good about youself, who’s the physco here ?? HIM, that is who.

I went down this road with my ex husband, was the most wonderful, giving, kindess, loving person than once we got married, it all started, the mental, verbal, physical abuse. Drugs, drinking, no job, the things said to me were outrageous and unheard of. You’ve already “allowed” him to treat you like this and therefore by not walking away the first time, you gave him full permission to continue the abuse.  Why would anyone who loves someone say these things ?  Chances are he may be manic or bi polar, very big signs pointing to both, the outrage, the I’m sorry, is the first sign, it’s a pattern period !!!

Serioulsy, sorry for what you are going through but more sorry that you doubt yourself and think you are worthy of that type of treatment and may be the cause of it tells me you believe what he is telling you and that proves he’s gotten inside your head already and done damage !!! There is not option in my mind but for you to pack up and leave. He needs counseling, not couples counseling, he’s in no way ready to be a couple let alone be conunseled about it.

The bottom line is you are not telling family / friends, you won’t becuase you dam well know it is wrong and they will tell you the truth and that is to cancel the wedding and leave him. Been there , done that, hid all the fact from everyone till the physical abuse started showing, than it was too late and I was in it too deep and afraid to leave as he had pounded it into my head that I was not worth of anyone and no man would ever want me, etc. It took a lot of therapy for me to recover. Once I left he stalked me, had people following me, did property damage to my home, got arrested, etc., till this day he will not leave me alone and I still get messages from him that scare the hell out of me, telling me I am still his wife, etc……you have no idea what you are getting yourself into if you marry this man, all the telltale signs are there and any good counseler will tell you that straight up “IF” you are honest and tell the whole truth of the matter to them. If you lie, you are only lieing to yourself and will end up in a really bad situation some day down the road.

Is my post strong – YEP !! For one reason only, been there, done that, and it ain’t fun and 7 yrs later, numerous therapist, relationships, there is still a very small part of me that thinks bad things about myself at times, still doubt men, etc.

If you do one thing and one thing only from this post, I dare you to tell one family member the truth, today, and see what they say. I bet by the end of the week, you will start waking up and seeing the light !!!  Your story breaks my heart and make me feel to uneasy for you. It will only get worst during the counseling, you will get home and he will completely berate you for things you said, your feelings, and he will ie through his teeth to the counseler, or sit there mute. You will see for yourself in time.  Again, I’m sorry if I’m being harsh but if one abused person learns/ gets help or gets out from what another shares with them, than it’s worth pissing the person off in the interum .  Just read the charts people provided, you will see for yourself, don’t let it be too late and be another women with a battered abusive story, choose to be a woman with a story that she got out before it was too late !!!!        

Post # 23
1115 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I’m sorry to say but he sounds like a textbook abuser and I’d be wary of marrying him.

Post # 24
10361 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Is this a Mars/Venus thing?!

No, this is a “involved with an abuser” thing.

I have never, in my entire life, been spoken to in the manner in which you have described. I would have walked after the first fight.

Post # 25
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Go to counseling. Something is seriously wrong. Please realize that you are not at fault for any kind of abuse – the abuser is. Blame HIM for the abuse, not any general mars-vs-venus (?) or men-vs-women crap.

Post # 26
2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

can women really be that much of a nag that we are the reason to spur men to say hurtful comments?

No.  This is complete bulls***, and the kind of ridiculous justifcation abusive people invent to rationalize their behavior.

I am certainly guilty of asking my husband if he’s done X or taken care of Y more times than is necessary, and never once has he called me stupid or humiliated me verbally.

Post # 27
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

I agree with the other posters. Please go see a counselor! He is abusing you and you should not be treated that way. So sorry, but I would really, really consider breaking it off because once you are married, he at best will stay the same, but most likely will get worse! So sorry. 

Post # 28
2260 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m so glad that you guys have already seeked out counseling. I agree with most of the posters here that this may be an indicator of your future if something doesn’t change soon.

While, on one hand I can understand why some arguments might be due to the whole Mars and Venus thing, the fact that he goes into such detail to explain what disgusts him about you, that can not be summed up so simply. You deserve to be with someone that loves everything about you, not just parts or certain aspects of your life. 

I definitely think your wedding needs to be postponed until you guys can work your problems out and figure out if staying together is the right thing to do.

Post # 29
7680 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

PLEASE CANCEL  the wedding and let family and/or friends help you right now!!  There is no shame in canceling this wedding.  It is much better to be safe than sorry-and sooner rather than later.  Broken engagements are much easier than living through abuse and divorce.    I’d definitely RUN not walk to the nearest exit–Please for your safety this is the beginning of the abuse cycle as I understand it.  Don’t stay in this relationship.  You are not the problem/cause.  HE IS. YOU DESERVE to be treated lovingly.  YOU will find the right man -HE IS NOT IT!!! BE SAFE!!!!

Post # 31
5789 posts
Bee Keeper

I honestly wouldn’t give someone like him the time of day let alone the rest of my life. I see so many women make excuses for men and try desperately to find some explanation for why they do what they do. I seriously don’t get it.

He is telling you by his actions that he has no control over his emotions and reactions to many things you do and say, and I find it hard to believe that counceling will change him. Loving someone can make you overlook a lot of things, but what he’s doing to you, to me, would be unforgivable. Now it’s a pillow, but what happens when it becomes a fist?

Get rid of this guy for your own sanity and safety. There’s many men in this world who would treat you as you deserve to be treated. Don’t sell yourself short.

The people who love you will understand, and will congratulate you for being smart!

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