You stated = During sober fights, he’s told me that my lifestyle disgusts him, that I am manipulative, crazy, psycho, sick in the head, that I act like a toddler, am dramatic, over sensitive/overreacts to the things he says, tells me that I am “being stupid” at times, says that I show him that I need to be treated bad in order to be happy, curses at me, and says that if I don’t change and stop picking fights about how he makes me feel when he degrades me then he will be miserable with me. He is truly bewildered when I can’t just forget about a fight and move on (Is this a Mars/Venus thing?!).
What the hell happens durning drunk fights is my question ? I mean to start off stating durning sober fights, makes one wonder if you are eluding that there is a drinking problem on top of this ? If not okay, but I for one, would not listen to the crap from a stranger, relative, friend, let alone my SO/ F1 !!! To tell you, you need to be treated badly to feel good about youself, who’s the physco here ?? HIM, that is who.
I went down this road with my ex husband, was the most wonderful, giving, kindess, loving person than once we got married, it all started, the mental, verbal, physical abuse. Drugs, drinking, no job, the things said to me were outrageous and unheard of. You’ve already “allowed” him to treat you like this and therefore by not walking away the first time, you gave him full permission to continue the abuse. Why would anyone who loves someone say these things ? Chances are he may be manic or bi polar, very big signs pointing to both, the outrage, the I’m sorry, is the first sign, it’s a pattern period !!!
Serioulsy, sorry for what you are going through but more sorry that you doubt yourself and think you are worthy of that type of treatment and may be the cause of it tells me you believe what he is telling you and that proves he’s gotten inside your head already and done damage !!! There is not option in my mind but for you to pack up and leave. He needs counseling, not couples counseling, he’s in no way ready to be a couple let alone be conunseled about it.
The bottom line is you are not telling family / friends, you won’t becuase you dam well know it is wrong and they will tell you the truth and that is to cancel the wedding and leave him. Been there , done that, hid all the fact from everyone till the physical abuse started showing, than it was too late and I was in it too deep and afraid to leave as he had pounded it into my head that I was not worth of anyone and no man would ever want me, etc. It took a lot of therapy for me to recover. Once I left he stalked me, had people following me, did property damage to my home, got arrested, etc., till this day he will not leave me alone and I still get messages from him that scare the hell out of me, telling me I am still his wife, etc……you have no idea what you are getting yourself into if you marry this man, all the telltale signs are there and any good counseler will tell you that straight up “IF” you are honest and tell the whole truth of the matter to them. If you lie, you are only lieing to yourself and will end up in a really bad situation some day down the road.
Is my post strong – YEP !! For one reason only, been there, done that, and it ain’t fun and 7 yrs later, numerous therapist, relationships, there is still a very small part of me that thinks bad things about myself at times, still doubt men, etc.
If you do one thing and one thing only from this post, I dare you to tell one family member the truth, today, and see what they say. I bet by the end of the week, you will start waking up and seeing the light !!! Your story breaks my heart and make me feel to uneasy for you. It will only get worst during the counseling, you will get home and he will completely berate you for things you said, your feelings, and he will ie through his teeth to the counseler, or sit there mute. You will see for yourself in time. Again, I’m sorry if I’m being harsh but if one abused person learns/ gets help or gets out from what another shares with them, than it’s worth pissing the person off in the interum . Just read the charts people provided, you will see for yourself, don’t let it be too late and be another women with a battered abusive story, choose to be a woman with a story that she got out before it was too late !!!!