(Closed) Verbal Abuse? Where do we go from here…

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
3788 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Abuse is abuse. Get out. He’s taking the weekend to think it over; well, it seems like you are, too. And whatever he says come Monday, it shouldn’t matter. Tell him that you have come to your own decision.

You’re in counselling but it’s still escalating from words to a pillow to a fist later. People tend to think that unless it is the kind of abuse that leaves marks (as you suggested) that it should be tolerable. It’s not. The words alone are abuse. It’s every bit as harming. I try not to judge relationships by the tiny snippets we get in weddingbee posts, but this is the kind of situation where nothing else matters. No matter how happy the good times are, no matter how great of a person he is in ever other way. You deserve better. I speak from experience, but I couldn’t break up with my abuser. I loved my mom very much and we were trying to work on our relationship when she passed away, but growing up, she said the kinds of things you’re describing. It will haunt you; you’ll internalize the criticism. Look at what you’re saying here. Everyone makes mistakes but that’s no reason to think of yourself as disgusting or any of those terrible things.

Don’t be afraid to tell your family and friends. They should love you and support you and realize that it’s not your fault. It will be difficult for a while but you will be so much happier in the end. Free yourself and stay in counseling for yourself individually.

Post # 32
Member
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

You do realize that with your most recent post, you are validating his actions!!! This will never get better, until you can be strong enough and stand up to him, and not act like this is ok.

You need to call off the wedding and break up. Be honest with the ones you can trust, don’t give an excuse to the ones you don’t. Its no one’s business why you are calling off the wedding. 

I think once you guys break up, and you lose all contact with him, you will be able to take a step back and realize how much of an ass this guy is

Post # 33
Member
941 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Reading your most recent post, it sounds like you’re reaffirming the fact that you’ve made a good decision.  I’m glad that you two are going to counseling, and it’s distressing that he isn’t taking accountability for his actions (acknowledging that his response to the behaviors he doesn’t like about you are much more extreme than appropriate).  

What else is concerning is the escalation of the abuse–him hitting you on the head with a pillow.  While a pillow is soft, it’s more the behavior itself that is concerning.  Often abusers will escalate their behavior, and it sounds like that’s what he’s doing.  And often, it’s done in such a subtle way, it may not seem terrible in and of itself.  Though, it may keep getting worse from there, and that could lead it to be much more serious.

And one more thing that struck me 

However last night, I told him I 100% wanted to postpone, but stay together while we continue to work out our problems.  He said that if we needed to postpone, then we needed to break up, because it meant that I wasn’t ready to marry him.  I explained how I can still see myself marrying him, but just not in a few months bc  I have no guarantee he’ll have any incentive to go through therapy after we’re married and there’s no way we can have permanent change in just a few months. 

Post # 34
Member
941 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Oops.  The end got cut off.  That’s annoying.  Anyway, the part you said…being briefer this time…this is really concerning,becase not only is he not listening to your feelings, he’s telling you what you’re feelings are (postponing means you want to cancel the wedding).  Yes, he has his feelings about what’s going on…that doesn’t give him the right to disregard your feelings or respect them.  And that comment also sounds really manipulative.  It’s a very guilt inducing comment, which could potentially persuade you to go back on what you’ve already decided (which I think is a great decision, and a very brave one to make).

Before this gets cut off again, I’ll just say quickly…I think you’ve made a wise decision. And if you haven’t already, I’d highly suggest you seek out individual counseling.  

Post # 35
Member
941 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

and now it’s double posting. 

Post # 36
Member
3788 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

View original reply
@MrsSl82be: Be honest with the ones you can trust, don’t give an excuse to the ones you don’t. Its no one’s business why you are calling off the wedding. 

 This!

Post # 37
Member
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

View original reply
@Amaryllis: Thanks! It just seems to be a recurring theme in threads questioning postponement/calling it off. It baffles me why people are so worried about what others will think!! Sure, they will talk and wonder if they don’t know the reason, but really, why do people feel its their business?? Obviously, something happened to make them second guess, sometimes something bad, but sometimes something good. Be happy that the people realize that they are going to be making a mistake, rather than move forward and possibly divorce later!

Post # 38
Member
318 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

he still believes that our problems are very “cause and effect” – I’m the cause with my “nagging and questioning”, and his verbal abuse is the effect. 

So if his boss at work “questions” him, does he go off on his boss?  This is not verbal abuse, this is emotional abuse and it will get worse.  You are NOT the cause.  He can control himself around other people, he just doesn’t when its you.  

HE is the only one responsible for HIS behavior.

 

Post # 39
Member
2522 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

You don’t deserve to be treated like this. The whole “cause/effect” thing is just him not wanting to take responsibility for his actions. He is a man with no backbone. Good for you for postponing…now you need to postpone it indefinitely. I’m so glad you realized these patterns before you went through with the marriage.

There are men out there that know how to treat a woman. It is my opinion that in a marriage, men are supposed to be the protectors of the women. How can he protect you while attacking you constantly?

He’s not a man, but a child. Walk away. You’ve been doing great.

Post # 40
Member
5092 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I would be very interested to hear what the therapist tells him when he says that you’re the “cause” of verbal abuse. There is no excuse for it. That is classic abuser behavior – a refusal to take responsibility for his own actions by blaming the victim. 

And him HITTING you in anger?  I don’t care if it’s with a pillow; that shows his desire to take out his anger on you physically, and it WILL get worse over time if you are still together. No matter how angry my fiance gets with me during a fight (which are rare for us), he would never call me names, demean me, or be physically aggressive.  That’s not love.

Please, please, go to individual counseling for yourself, to help you stay strong and away from this man.  He doesn’t deserve you, and you deserve so much better.

Post # 41
Member
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Are you putting this down to pre-wedding stress because it’s just started? I wouldn’t put up with that from anyone, certainly not someone I intended to spend the rest of my life with.

I don’t understand how you can be just about to get married and thinking about divorce at the same time.

If he changed, would you still love him?

Sorry, maybe a bit too straight talking, but I am confused by this whole scenario.

Post # 42
Member
1006 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

OP – I had to log in to respond to this. Your posts are breaking my heart. Please get yourself out of this toxic situation ASAP. No counseling – just leave.

What you are describing is classic abuser behavior. It is not normal, it is not ok and it is not your fault. It doesn’t have to leave a physical mark for it to be abuse.

And escalating to hitting you with a pillow? It will escalate to a push and then a slap and then a fist.. this is not ok.

I was in a very similar relationship when I was 19. He was older (24) and seemed like the most loving person. Everyone loved him. But behind closed doors – the verbal abuse started and him blaming me for everything. He slowly beat down my self esteem, estranged me from my family and friends until I had nothing left. The verbal abuse turned into pushing, shaking and he even spit in my face. Luckily I got the hell out of there but it took a LONG time and counseling to feel good about myself and good about relationships again.

Please do not put yourself through this any longer. You deserve a loving man that respects you even when he’s angry with you.

Please get out – you will not regret it. I promise you will not regret it!

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