Post # 1
I need some advice about a close friend who is invited to the wedding. I just had my Hens party and let’s say she made it quite stressful due to her anxiety. From messaging prices and how she’s going to get to the hens to on the day messaging me how she’ll get home at night. Now the wedding is coming up (we have postponed it into the school holidays due to lockdowns) she has been complaining about the new wedding date (how it’s in school holidays and can’t take time off work) and giving me some slack about taking time off for the original date and now what she should do with her time. How do you handle a friend who has high anxiety levels plus asks you a million questions about arranging accomodation/travel for herself? I’m finding she is stressing me out a lot and I’m quite a chilled person.
Post # 2
All I can think of is not responding and ignoring some of these messages. Or deflecting, such as sending her a link to expedia. Force her to figure out how to travel on her own.
Post # 3
As an adult she must be capable of getting herself from A to B on a regular basis so I would just ignore her travel drama and let her get on with organising it herself. If she says anymore about not being able to attend, can’t take time off, just send her a simple text ‘sorry you won’t be able to make it, thanks for letting me know, I’ll adjust the guest list accordingly’ and then leave it at that. As for what to with her time off, that’s really not your concern. Weddings are stressful enough without anyone bugging you or trying to make to make you feel guilty.
Post # 4
Is she in the wedding party? Maybe she’s hinting that she hopes you’ll pay for some of these things. In the US, though too infrequently followed, couples are responsible for providing or paying for accommodations for their wedding party. Couod this be about money?
But it doesn’t sound like this is just about that. I’d let her know if she can’t make it you’ll miss her.
Post # 5
It sounds to me like she is asking for your help. Maybe she’s not well versed in travel and it sounds like she is traveling alone. And it sounds like she has to travel for both the wedding and the hens party. Have you told her that she shouldn’t feel obligated to come to both?
Post # 6
Let her know you will not be upset if she doesn’t want to come and then let her figure it out on her own.
Post # 7
I’m a little taken aback that she is complaining that you changed the date – it was lockdown!! Anyway, I would tell her you understand if she can’t attend on the new date and you can get together another time.
If it’s not too much trouble, send her the recommended hotel(s) and let her know you’re super busy planning the last minute details so you won’t be able to communicate much going forward.
Post # 8
Let her know you completely understand if she can’t make it
Refer her to your hotel block
Give her a plus one to travel with
If she repeats herself, you repeat yourself. Answer has not changed
(She sounds super annoying)
Post # 9
Has her anxiety been this high in the past, prior to the wedding planning?
Also, don’t discount the effect the pandemic has on existing levels of anxiety. Mine are through the roof.
Post # 10
I’m not sure if this is a manifestation of anxiety or entitlement — just from your description, she sounds like an entitled brat, and I have less sympathy for her if she’s being entitled. Frankly, she can figure out her own plans. It’s absurd that she would expect YOU to decide what she would do on her days off. (??) Tell her to go volunteer at a soup kitchen or hike up a mountain — then maybe she’ll figure it out on her own.
As for proper advice, I would tell her that you’re just not sure and leave it at that. I find that’s a tacit way of saying, “I don’t wantt to do your thinking for you; figure it out by yourself.”
Post # 11
Weddings can be a huge issue for anyone struggling with anxiety. I would have a frank discussion with her, asking if she really wants to come to the wedding or if it is just causing her too much stress – she may be trying to push herself out way too far out of her comfort zone because she doesn’t want to let you down. It might also be worth offering a plus one or linking her up with someone else who is travelling from the same area, since that might be less stressful for her.
Otherwise, if you feel she does need extra support to help her cope, then can you delegate one of your wedding party to deal with it?
I’m not suggesting pandering to her if she’s just trying to create drama, but if she genuinely has problems with anxiety, she is likely to need some support. I know a lot of people say ‘just do it’, but for someone with severe anxiety, travelling to the next town can feel more overwhelming than it might feel for you to travel to the other side of the world.
Post # 12
Unsure by what’s posted exactly what’s reasonable. But here’s my list of notes/ ideas. Coming from someone who has anxiety.
1) It is reasonable to expect a price range for a hens day. It’s not reasonable if she wanted to know exactly how much each drink would be for example.
2.) Transportation together is reasonable to know ahead as a group. But if everyone was meeting somewhere rather than traveling together that’s different.
3.) Helping with accomodation locations is usual for a wedding. As far as a list of places close by. Actually booking it is a no. I personally look all that stuff up myself and if I’m unfamiliar with an area I might ask what they think of xyz place.
4.) I would NOT recommend ignoring. I have bad anxiety and not getting a reply is the worst and triggers anxiety. BUT you can set boundaries. Example. Friend, I put the hotels on the wedding website, but I do not have time to book or call or find another. But if she keeps on with the but I need to find xyz….I would repeat boundary. If she ignores I would say I have given you an answer I am going to stop answering this question now.
5.) The main thing with anxiety is to not leave people hanging BUT enforce clear boundaries as you would with others. But be sure they are clear. Unclear boundaries can be a source of anxiety.
6.) All of the above is to be ignored if you have already set boundaries. If she is ignoring them then you do not need to accommodate further. Anxiety disorder isn’t an excuse to stomp on others boundaries.
I hope this helps from an anxiety disorder sufferer perspective. Also I didn’t comment on the change of date because no one should complain about your date there’s a pandemic going on ignore her comment on that because what the hell?
Post # 13
Seconded. But everyone has seen my posts by now. Mine are sky high. But today is a good day. So yay for that.
Post # 14
Not every question needs or deserves an answer.
If her behavior is anxiety driven, nothing you say will lower her anxiety levels.
It seems to me that it would be far better for you to put your focus on your fiancé and planning your wedding.
Post # 15
Because an invite is not a summons, she is under no obligation to attend your wedding on the new date if she is unable to get the time off. I’m sure you would love her to be there, but sometimes things don’t work out as planned.
In addition to her tendency to micromanage out of anxiety, she sounds a bit manipulative. Asking you what she’s supposed to do on her days off seems like she’s passive-aggressively giving you a hard time for having to make the change. I have GAD and anxiety is a beast, but it’s also not an excuse for lashing out at people.
Give her an out in a gracious way. “Friend, I know how difficult this must be– Covid has thrown us all for a loop! While we would miss you, Fiance and I understand if you’re no longer able to make it due to the date change. If you find a way to get the time off for the new date, here is the link to our hotel block.”