(Closed) Very Close to calling the whole thing off…..HELP

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Hostess
18644 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I really really don’t think you should get married if you are having doubts.  Delay the wedding and go to counseling.  If you can’t resolve things, then you might have to walk away.

Post # 5
Hostess
18644 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Fights are usually caused by both, not just one person in the relationship.  You need to work on your communication if you want to save the relationship.

Post # 6
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

It might just be a stressful and rough spot, but I would try to patiently, calmly, and diplomatically talk to him about how you’re feeling.  And if he remains distant, aloof, and unwilling to take you seriously, then you might want to think about if marriage is where you want to go. If he’s refusing for months on end to listen to you now, chances are that may not change after marriage.  Your husband should be willing and wanting to hear your thoughts!

I’m so sorry that you don’t have biological family connections.  I have a very small family myself and my father passed away years ago.  And financial issues are a huge burden.  But don’t let these factors be a part of going through with the wedding. 

It might be helpful to make a very frank list about how he supports you in the relationship and how he hurts you.  That might help separate the trivial from the significant. 

You deserve a wonderful marriage.  Maybe he’s the one, but you’re not married until your married, so don’t rule out the potential of breaking up.  Keep talking to him, and see what happens.  We’ll be here for venting/listening/advice!

 

Post # 7
Member
1562 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

you def. need to really weigh all your options. honestly take some space/time for yourself. learn how to be a bit more dependent on yourself and not so much on him…I would never tell anyone (on the ‘net) to just up and leave or call off the wedding – but you definitely need to really think things over. and my best advice is – while (obviously) staying in the relationship you are in – just take more time for yourself and do things a bit more independently.

I also agree with counseling. But more than anything you two need to talk. And if he won’t listen when you try to talk – then maybe an email or a letter? Some way to get your thoughts out to him.

Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

It doesn’t sound normal to me…not the good kind of normal, anyway! If you aren’t happy, who cares what “normal” is? The main thing is to be happy – not over the top blissfully happy 100% of the time because that’s not realistic, but you should feel loved and valued and he should feel the same way. I wouldn’t get married. At this point I would probably postpone the wedding and work on the relationship. Then if things turn around and you decide you do want to get married, you still can. On the other hand, if you decide this isn’t the life or relationship you want, you will have already called off the wedding and it’s one less thing to worry about.

Look after yourself, do whatever you need to do to live a healthy and happy life. All the best!

Post # 9
Member
647 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Don’t even bring the money you have already spent into the equation.  Losing $10,000 if you cancel this wedding is MUCH less than you could lose if you do get married and divorced a few years down the road.

I definitely recommend counseling, and postponing the wedding at the very least.  You shouldn’t feel trapped in your relationship, and you shouldn’t feel alone.  It’s not as if the “right” relationship will keep you feeling over the moon with hapiness all the time, but if you guys aren’t going through a rough spot right now (family death, loss of job, medical, etc) you should at least feel content with your relationship.

I disagree that you should be “the happiest you’ve ever been” right now, you have a lot of reasons to be stressed.  Being engaged doesn’t magically make everything happy.  I’m working full time and getting my Master’s part time and there are times that I am so stressed it makes me miserable, BUT coming home to my fiance is what makes me feel better, not worse.

Post # 10
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee

Writing to him in a notebook might help.  If he won’t go to counseling, at least you could go.  Postpone the wedding if things don’t improve.  Don’t get married if you are not happy!  My thoughts and prayers are with you.  Best Wishes in whatever you decide to do.  I am sorry that you are going through this.  Keep in touch. 

Post # 11
Member
525 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

There are several things to ponder.

The first – big one – is, WHAT exactly are you doubtful about? That is, are you thinking “I don’t like the way he dresses” or are you thinking “I don’t like the way he is”?

The second thing is, WHY exactly you don’t like him? Is it because he is too honest, too direct, too straightforward or because – say – you guys are too different?

Third thing is, HOW exactly did it happen? What is the part you played? As somebody said before me, marital problems NEVER can be blamed on one side only.

Finally, WHAT IF you leave him? Can you envision your life without him?

I don’t know you but from what you’ve written you sound like a girl that is having cold feet mainly because you’ve never met another guy, you are not entirely satisfied with this one but you also don’t know how far to put up with what you don’t like.

You and only you know the answer. But my suggestion is, before hurting him, try to figure out what’s in your head and in your heart… it’s not ok to cancel a wedding UNLESS you are firmly convinced that going ahead with it is wrong. You don’t want to hurt him immensely just over some generic “doubt” that you could/should at least try to sort out by yourself.

Post # 12
Member
431 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Marital strife CAN be one-sided.  I agree with counseling, but even before that TALK.  If he won’t talk to you, at the very least postpone the wedding.  Don’t worry about $ (hard to do, I realize), but your happiness, your life are at stake here!  Say this out loud, “My husband won’t communicate with me.”  If this IS the case, can you live like that?  Good luck to you.  I wish you every happiness no matter what you choose.

Post # 13
Member
1403 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Yeah it is a little normal for the Fiance to be uninterested in talking.  However, this is one of those topics that need to be brought up and talked about in rational understanding voices.  Does your Fiance know that you’re so unhappy with the relationship that you’re considering calling off the wedding?  Guys rarely pick up on the subtle things we do or say, even if we think they are really obvious subtle things, so it’s conceivable that he doesn’t realize the gravity of your concerns.

I don’t normally recommend counseling to people because most problems can be worked out through increased self-awareness and open conversation.  But if your Fiance isn’t even willing to talk, that’s when the counselor can help.

Post # 14
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

As a woman in the middle of divorce there are signs. The fact that you are unhappy, and have everything to be happy about listen to your body. I had warning signs, matter of fact my mom asked point blank three days before if I really wanted to do it. She had spent a ton of money on it, she also knew it would take much more to get out of a marriage. Money cannot buy happiness, but neither can going in a permenant relationship being unhappy. Think long and hard, pray about it and trust your own gut.

 

This is not normal, questioning is normal being like this is more than a rough patch.

Post # 15
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I just finished the book 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman; he talks about how there are different ways that people express love and feel like love is being expressed to them and how a lot of times people try to express their love in the wrong “language” so their partner doesn’t get the message. Maybe there’s some useful information in there? 

I hope everything works out!

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