(Closed) (Very Complicated) How to tell best friend that she’s not MOH??

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
257 posts
Helper bee

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lalola44 :  No, our friendship didn’t change. But, at that time, while we were still close, we’d grown apart a bit in the year or so before I got engaged and I felt that she wouldn’t have MY best interests in mind for MY wedding.

For example, she fought me on a few choices I made because it wasn’t what SHE would have wanted, while my Maid/Matron of Honor supported MY choices. For example: I wanted a SMALL bachelorette party and my BMs were prepared to invite a whole pile of people I didn’t want there, her friends, friends of friends, my in-law sisters, and I felt obligated to say yes because my BMs were the ones planning the party… but in all honesty, the bachelorette is for me and I shouldn’t have to invite people I don’t want there, like my awful in-law sisters. I wanted like 5 people and she was planning on 20+. My Maid/Matron of Honor stuck up for what I wanted and pushed until my other BMs agreed.

When you talk to her, communicate how important she is to you and that you value her friendship and her place in your life. I wrote something similar in each of my girls letters in my formal ‘ask’ to them.

Post # 17
Member
1178 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

As someone who has depression and has been a Maid/Matron of Honor, this would probably be too much stress for her if she is as you describe. I loved being involved in my best friend’s day and I loved writing a speech for her and seeing her happy, but I will admit there were times when it was really hard. I live in a different state from her and planning a bachelorette for her and driving 4 hours for dress fittings and dealing with bridesmaid drama was all stressful, it’s probably stressful for people without anxiety/depression. So if your friend asks why she’s a bridesmaid instead of Maid/Matron of Honor, just tell her that you want her to focus on her health and happiness and you don’t want to cause her extra stress by putting that responsibility on her.

Post # 19
Member
14155 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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lalola44 :  My advice still stands. Just ask her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. I would not make any justifications or explanations unless she were to confront you directly. If she does just remind her that your cousin is family. Let her assume it was “expected” or that you want to avoid discriminating between friends. 

Post # 20
Member
1178 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

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lalola44 :  I think the planning was particularly stressful. The bachelorette party was in a location 3.5 hours from me and people’s opinions kept changing about budgets and what we should do and I had to rush to get there before them and decorate the hotel room and put out gift bags and by the time they got there I just wanted to take a nap lol. There was some drama also which was exhausting. Luckily, I don’t really have any mixed emotions towards my friend while it sounds like your friend is struggling with some jealousy. I think weddings in general are often stressful with so much planning, dealing with people you don’t normally have to deal with, lots of emotions going around and people with mental illnesses have a harder time dealing with stress as it is.

Also, let me just say it sounds like you are an amazingly patient and good friend. People with mental illnesses are not easy to care for and your friend is really lucky to have you. You sound very caring and understanding. It sounds like she’s really struggling and I hope she gets the help she needs.

Post # 21
Member
419 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2020 - New York, New York

You can absolutely justify making your cousin your Maid/Matron of Honor. First, you could tell your friend that her well-being is your highest concern (as you’ve demonstrated time and time again), and you don’t want to put additional stress on her when she’s coping with mental illness. Being a Maid/Matron of Honor is a lot of responsibility, and stress could make the depression or personality disorder much worse, which would be bad for everyone. You could say that you want her to be relaxed and happy at your wedding so she can enjoy it! Plus, even if you’ve been friends for a long time, your cousin is FAMILY! Enough said. If you’re really worried your friend is going to be offended or upset, you can try to honor her in another way, like including a special mention in the program. 

Post # 22
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

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lalola44 :  Her comments are weird. And this is coming from someone who is actively dealing with depression. Also planning my own wedding. I would never make those comments about someone I loved as a friend. But I know depression has varying degrees of seriousness so I can’t assume. 

In short, she is not reliable. You want someone who is going to be your second backbone as a maid of honor. I have been lucky in that my Maid/Matron of Honor so far has taken the reigns on things before I have even mentioned them as far as dresses and bachelorette ideas. You want someone dependable and she should not feel hurt knowing her current state that you choose another Maid/Matron of Honor. 

Its YOUR wedding. In 30 years, you want to reflect on a solid day. Not a day catered around someone who is throwing fits or making snide comments. Do what is right in your heart. 

Post # 23
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee

I would ask her to be a bridesmaid and leave it at that. I think it’s absolutely reasonable to have a family member as a Maid/Matron of Honor over a friend if you want. 

And if she does ask why you picked your cousin over her, I would just say that after beginning planning, you’ve found out Maid/Matron of Honor is saddled with so many jobs to do and it’s a lot of stress and can be emotionally draining. Just make it clear you want her to be with you on your big day, you just don’t want her to have to feel like she’s taking anything more on. You want her to feel good, not stressed.

As someone with depression I would probably welcome that. Depression and being the leader of anything (planning showers or batchelorettes, etc) do not go hand in hand very well.  Focus on the positive no matter what you say to her. 

Post # 24
Member
393 posts
Helper bee

I think it is fine and dandy to simply say just tell her she is the Bridesmaid and leave it at that but she will or may question you and then what do you say?

I agree with one bee who said you need a MOH?  What is the purpose?  Is having a wedding party actually more a seeding of friends.  I agree having a sibling act as Maid/Matron of Honor is an easier out.  But why even use the title MOH?  Or aren’t all the people in the Bridal Party signifcant then call them all Maid/Matron of Honor special people whatever.   I never got why we have to rank our wedding party or for that matter put them in a different outfit.  

 

As a person who tends to be always the mc (13 times – okay I am not Susan Lucci yet) and never the groomsman (okay i guess I have been in 3 and soon to be 4wedding parties) I can tell you it somtimes irked me to see the groomsmen or best men get to stand by to me a significant friend while I was the one toiling away making cakes, doing the flowers, hosting Jack and Jills – I mean I do it because I care but deep down it sort of hurt.  I just don’t understand why people take the easier route and call them all Maid/Matron of Honor or if in doubt make more spots in the wedding party – heck we can always do with more friends and help.  And while you don’t base friendships on solely who helps out the most it is often kind of sad to  see people busting their backs for the bride and groom  and yet they weren’t good enough for Maid/Matron of Honor or even be in the wedding party.  In our area we have often huge help from friends – like doing the table set up, tablelothes, flowers,decor,setting up arches, doing the music, etc. while the wedding party often do very little or nothing. One wedding had 87 helpers.  I do feel for your friend if she is suffering from depression I can relate.   But if possible I suggest you try to make this a win win situation ie everyone is Maid/Matron of Honor .  I mean other than wedding parties that are arranged by heightoften it becomes therefore a ranking of friends and family otherwise.

Post # 26
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

This is tough, you obviously care for your friend so much! I think that first and foremost you should not feel guilty about your decision. Best case scenario, your friend still be super honored (maybe even be thankful not have extra responsibility). Worst case, it’s a friendship deal breaker. However, if it is the latter (after all it seems you have done) then maybe it’s best for now.

I really caution against bringing up depression/personality disorder as a reason why she was not selected for Maid/Matron of Honor, unless you are very confident this will not be interpreted the wrong way. If you are really pressed, I think it’s OK to be honest about valuing your cousin and wanting a family member to serve that role. Just make sure to reiterate how much you value your friend, which is why you want her to stand 🙂

Post # 27
Member
3802 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Yeah, frame it as you not wanting to add extra responsibilities and stress to her plate, and wanting her to just be able to relax and enjoy being a bridesmaid without having to worry about anything (even if you don’t actually plan to ask the Maid/Matron of Honor to do very much). Also the fact that it’s your cousin makes this way better as she’s family not just another friend. If you want you could even make something up about how in your family it’s expected that the Maid/Matron of Honor will be family. 

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