- 8 years ago
Hey bees. I’m a member under another username, but since this is of a very sensitive topic I made an anonymous account.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. It’s terrible this is coming up again now, because our anniversary is this coming Saturday, and I feel like this is going to ruin it. We are both turning 25 in a month or two, and we have been living together for a year, now.
My boyfriend and I had no problems whatsoever until last… October or November, I think. I found out that he had smoked heroin 6ish times, maybe a month or a month and a half apart each time (with a friend). He told me about it because another friend of mine had found out and threatened to tell me if he hadn’t. Please be respectful, because he is a smart, sweet guy, but he’s been down on himself because of trouble finding a good job, bored, and yes, stupid on the matter. His dad also has a history of opiate addiction but has been doing great lately and getting his life together. Long story short he said he’d never do it again, and I made it clear he could and should talk to me about anything.
He didn’t. A few months later I came home from work to find him passed out on our couch. The syringe was on the table in front of him. He’d done it alone this time, and this time he had gotten his own heroin. He was humiliated and very hard on himself (and let’s face it, he should be). He’d been down on himself again, and bored. He’d done it 2 times. I took him to a couple NA meetings and he seemed to be doing a lot better. He got a job and was in a better mindset.
We just got back from a trip to the beach. He’d been kind of removed from my friends and family and I was concerned. So were my friends and family. I got a drug test and asked him to take it, because he has always made it clear he would take one if I wanted him to, that he was willing to do whatever I need him to do. He admitted to taking a few pills with opiates (2-3 times the normal dose), so I didn’t make him take it. I want to save it for later.
I’m scared now. He is going to tell his family everything now, and he is going to do whatever kind of treatment I want him to do. He’ll go to more NA meetings, consistently. He’s thrown away every trace of any sort of drug because I don’t want him taking anything again. (Generally speaking I’m not against pot, but when you are getting hooked on the high of heroin I don’t want him to have any sort of high that will ever tempt him again.) He said won’t do any of that again if that is what it takes to keep me. He knows that if he ever manipulates me or that if he hides anything like this again that we’ll never recover. I can’t commit to someone I can’t count on being there. I won’t do it. I always have thought I’d marry him, but I don’t want to realize ten years from now that he can’t stop and is lying and manipulating me to cover the truth. I will not have that be my life.
I want to be (and will be) supportive, because that is what he needs. I am so mad at him, though. I’m at a stage where I’d be ready to tie the knot, and were this not happening I’d be so certain about him. I’m mad at him for ruining/almost ruining everything and my faith in him. I do love him. It’s obviously not as simple as just letting go when you realize this is going on. But… I’m not sure how I feel about him now. I’m terrified that even if he gets help he’s going to relapse someday, and I don’t want that. Frankly, any time I see him asleep somewhere out of bed (asleep in the car on a road trip, for ex) I get disgusted with him, because I remember the way he’d been when I found him that one time. Anything unusual makes me wonder if he’s using. A spoon went missing couple months ago and I assumed the worse.
I’m also terrified to tell my family about this, because they love him so much right now and I’m afraid they’ll never approve of him again if they know. I hadn’t told them before because I thought the added stress would make him more tempted to use, but now I just feel like I’m lying to my family (through omission) about it.
I just feel so lost right now. I need help.