(Closed) Very concerned about SO’s past drug habits. long post. looking for support.

posted 8 years ago in Wellness
Post # 3
3623 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Ugh I’m sorry. I know I couldn’t stay with my Fiance if he did drugs; I don’t want myself or my family to go down that road. Good luck with whatever you choose.

Post # 4
1309 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I couldn’t endure this. Just because it takes over your entire life (for instance with the spoon missing, you can’t think “hey what happened to that spoon” like a normal person, your mind will always immediately go there).

The thing about people with addictions is that they will promise they will stop, but that usually doesn’t mean they will. There is no easy fix for this. The first lie or “omission” is never the last. It takes a long, long time to get to the last one and things get pretty hairy on the way there. He has already gone down this path with you of making promises and not keeping them. That is the pattern with someone who is addicted. The addiction is stronger than their desire to keep their word. It’s stronger than their desire not to hurt you.

It’s terrible how drugs can ruin things for a man who sounds like a genuinely good person. But if it were me I would need him to get sober on his own, as a single person.

Post # 5
204 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry that you are dealing with this.  I would encourage you guys to look into professional help – whether couples counseling, individual sessions with someone with a specialization in drug use/misuse for him, or both – in addition to NA if you have not done so already.  Good luck as you go forward!

Post # 6
1561 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Heroin is very serious.  It’s something that drug users build up to over time, usually after developing a pill (oxys, etc) addiction.  It’s also very addictive.  It’s not the sort of thing you do for fun once in awhile.  

My heart hurts for you.  My advice would be to ask him to go to an in-patient program.  Or walk away.  Your life, and his, is going to depend on this.  

Post # 7
47341 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

As much as I loved him, drug use by a boyfriend would be a deal breaker for me.

I’m just not willing to spend the rest of my life either dealing with him using or wondering when the next fall off the wagon will occur.

Post # 8
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

My first marriage was to a man with a serious addiction (alcohol).  I knew that when I married him, and like you I thought… HE WILL CHANGE / get over it / whatever.

Especially as he was a “binge” drinker, and this behaviour is not something that went on 24/7 in the beginnings of our relationship

Change did not happen

He got worse over time… and more angry with me because I wasn’t happy with him and the situation (remembering back when we first married, and he promised me he would change / get help etc)

His addiction, caused his low self-esteem, self-loathing and a on-going cycle that wasn’t to be broken (even in the times when he was “on the wagon”, clean, sober and in AA).  Inevitably he’d go back to the bottle and the whole mess would come back into our lives in a bigger wave than it had been previously

It corrupted our lives for over 25 years, it caused me great sadness, trouble and pain in my years of marriage to him (he became very abusive when he drank) 

It was the MAIN factor in our break-up despite the fact that in my heart I knew I’d love him Forever & Always till death us do part… just like I said in my vows to him way back when

He died of cancer a little over a year ago, he was in his early 50s… and it was extremely sad to see him being “eaten” by that disease and in such misery.  It caused much grief to our family… and those that loved him dearly, a grief that my children may never recover from.

They loved their Dad so… but to be honest, if I had to do it all over again, I would not have married him, and thereby would have spared myself, and my off-spring a lot of unecessary pain.

Something to think about… there are less complicated relationships out there… do yourself a HUGE favour, and think about looking for one of them instead of “sticking it out” in this one


Post # 9
275 posts
Helper bee

It took my brother 15 years to completely stop all drug use. He had a good support system but addiction runs in our family. The addiction was stronger than he was. He was on heroin as well. Many times we thought he was clean for good but it’s just not that easy. If you stay with him, be prepared for a potentially long battle. I’m so sorry you have to go through this.

Post # 10
1400 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t know if this is something that I could get past. Like you said, every little thing that happens you’re going to be wondering if he’s using again. It really is something that consumes you and I don’t think I’d be prepared for that to be my life forever.

Good luck to you, whatever you choose. I definitely think he needs to enter a treatment facility. Heroin is not smoking a little pot here and there. I have no experience with drugs, but I know it is not going to be an easy drug to just stop using on his own.

Good luck to you both.

Post # 11
1089 posts
Bumble bee

Getting him into rehab or getting him some sort of counseling is great, but you should also consider meetings or counseling for yourself as well. 

It will help you to help him better, and meeting with other people who have gone through the same thing may help you to get things off of your chest, too.


Post # 12
5658 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Ill just share a story with you. A very good friend of mine has been married for 7 years, they’ve been together for probably 12. When I met them, he drank a lot and smoked pot just like most people his age, but she kept catching him hiding steroids. Seems “harmless” enough, he got off it and they got over that hurdle. Since that time (they’d only been married about a year at that point) he has been an alcoholic, been addicted to coke, and the most recent addiction is oxy pills. They have two young daughters, she has to drug test him regularly. She’s about to file for separation. She can’t trust him, and the most recent round of pill addiction started when their 3 month old daughter was in the NICU for 10 days

The thing is on the surface he seems like a nice funny guy. Inside he has serious issues, and those don’t go away. So with that being said, I hope you think really hard about yourself, and your future and not him because most drug addicts will always return to SOMETHING becauae they can’t deal with life etc and its often a long vicious cycle so if I was you of get out of this before you get any deeper in this relationship

Post # 13
1470 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I dont think i could ever get past this, he keeps telling you he is going to stop and it has not.  I think you will always be worried about it and wondering if he has done any drugs latley.  I think you need to seek help on your own and together… This will not be easy, thats why its called an addiction, I really dont think you can just stop cold turkey….  You need to really think if this relationship is worth all the downs it may have with it… and what about when kids are in the mix? 

Good Luck, you really need to think about it, is this lifestyle worth it?! and can you every really trust him 100%? or will you always be wondering and asking him if he is clean?!

Post # 14
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I’m so sorry to hear about what you are going through.  As a pp said, heroin is very serious.  I had a close friend in college who was an addict.  I lost touch with him, but I found out a few years later that he died of an overdose.  It’s very sad, because he was a beautiful person and I cared for him deeply, but he was not in control of his life.  

I understand that you love this man, but I hope that you will take a step back from this relationship and take care of yourself right now.  Your instincts are telling you that something is wrong, and you should trust that.  Is he still spending time with the same “friends” he started doing heroin with?  He admitted to taking opiate pills, but it could be a half-truth to avoid telling you the whole story.

I think you need to tell your family about this as soon as you can.  You might even want to stay somewhere else for now, with family or friends.  I’m no expert on addiction, but I think your boyfriend needs to know that there are serious consequences if he doesn’t follow through with treatment.  It’s great that you’re willing to support him through this, but please don’t end up in a codependant relationship.  I know you want to help him, but please make your safety and well-being your first priority.

Please keep us updated on how you’re doing.

Post # 15
10362 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

As someone who watched kids die in high school from heroin (Google “black tar heroin Plano TX”), this is a no-go no exceptions place for me. I would have walked. Several people in my family also had drug abuse issues, and for me, it’s just too dangerous of an emotional trigger. The first time I found my SO unconscious from drug use would have been the last for me.

You need to decide where your boundaries are. What are you capable of handling on a healthy level. Emphasis on the healthy.

Post # 16
1512 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

My ex was a meth addict. I didn’t know for a long time, but once I found out, I tried to get him to stop. He would huff paint, pop pills, etc. He never did stop. Maybe it killed him by now [doubtful- he’s like an effing cockroach]. All I know is it ruined our entire relationship.

I commend you for wanting to stick around, but honestly, I wouldn’t. After dealing with a crazy ex that would stay gone for weeks at a time, then stay on his computer for two days straight, plus a million other things [like physical abuse- it was unthinkable when we first started dating but drugs make people do crazy things], I won’t tolerate any kind of drug use. It can escalate very quickly. Good luck to both of you.

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