(Closed) Very constructive/honest talk last night…gives me a lot to think about..

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m sorry you didn’t get the answer you wanted. πŸ™  But huge kudos to you for making the conversation happen.  I let my boyfriend put me off with “We’re just not there yet” or “Can we think about this and talk later?” for longer than I’m prepared to admit to, and it was so hard to force him to talk about it and tell me what was on his mind, marriage-wise.  I remember a similar feeling to what you described – we’re in love and we know we’re the right people, so this shouldn’t be so hard.  It was hard to realize that, love or not, things don’t always work out perfectly on their own.

I think it’s awesome that you’re keeping your mind on your own life and plans.  It sounds like a tough change of mindset, but I think it’s good that you know where you both stand. πŸ™‚

Post # 4
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

Wow.  Good for you!  I think your plan to live your life is important.  If he can’t commit, then he isn’t thinking about “our life” he is thinking about “my life.”  You should do the same.  Maybe he’ll come to his senses when you’re gone.  And if not, at least you set yourself up for success and focused on what is best for YOU.  In a real relationship, he would have been considering YOU from the beginning!

Post # 5
Member
1339 posts
Bumble bee

You moved countries to be with him and yet he needs to still see if you can make it through a tough time?  He is totally comfy isn’t he?  I’m glad you are thinking about living without him and he was honest with you. 

 

Post # 6
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@MightySapphire – I disagree a little, actually.  I’m fairly new here, and maybe you didn’t really mean it this way, but I don’t think it’s quite fair to imply that just because they’re on different time frames for marriage that it’s not a *real* relationship.  I was in a similar situation awhile ago, and hearing my well-meaning friends bash my boyfriend because he wasn’t automatically on the same page as me didn’t really help.  It sounded like maggierose is trying to consider his point of view and reconcile it with hers, not just write him off for having his own needs and timeline.  Sorry to seem lecture-y… I’ll stop now! πŸ™‚

Post # 7
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I’m glad your take on this is realistic.  It sounds like he’s still in delay mode.  After 3 years together, how can he say, in 1.5 more years, it will be time?  He doesn’t know that.  He’s just giving you an answer so he won’t have to talk about it again for a while.  I don’t really like his reasoning, and it’s dependant on too many outside factors.  Like, if I get this promotion, and a year goes by, and it’s going well, and we get through a tough time (whatever that is) together, MAYBE getting engaged will be on my radar then.  Like Viking said, he’s way too comfortable.  Do you really want to give him the rest of the year?  I think it would be tough to not get resentful.  I don’t think you’re going to get what you want anytime soon by continuing the status quo.  If having kids soon is really important, do you want to burn another year on this guy?

Post # 8
Member
1339 posts
Bumble bee

oooohhh @prettyflowers, I could not have said it better myself.  He doesn’t sound ready to me at all. 

I’m just throwing this out there but why wait 9 months to go home?  What will change in 9 months? 

Post # 9
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2010

It sounds like you two are just not on the same page AT ALL. I can understand wanting to wait for him to be ready but it might be time to evaluate the relationship and find out if its worth the wait. I realize that I dont know anything about you two, I just feel like you are giving up your dreams and settling for someone that doesnt want to fully commit. Thats not fair to you. You should find someone that CANT WAIT to marry you and spend his life with you. Someone that is on the same page and has similar plans as yours. Just think, what could you be missing out on while waiting for someone to decide if they want to take the next step?

Post # 10
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I don’t mean to sound patronizing, but this is very common at your age.  Women get to 30 and know their time for a family is getting limited.  Men don’t want to think about it for at least 5 more years.  I am glad you are thinking about different things to do with your life.  If he is really committed to your relationship, perhaps he will make some personal adjustments to accommodate you, even if it isn’t marriage.

I know this is a heart-breaking decision but please know (from someone who has been there) that life does go on and it’s ususally pretty good, just in a different way.

Post # 11
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Oh hon, I know how hard that talk was for you. I’m so proud of you for doing it! It really is good that you know how he is feeling now. It’s important to be able to talk about things even when it’s uncomfortable…in fact if you can’t talk about the uncomfortable things how on earth could you expect to have a successful marriage?

I really respect you for thinking about your own life now, as an individual and not as a couple. It’s time. It does sound as if he’s pretty comfy with how things are, and I hate to say the whole thing about “why buy the cow?” but I can see you realize you may have given up more than was appropriate at the time.

*hugs*

Post # 12
Member
2588 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I’m glad you’re deciding to live your life on YOUR terms instead of waiting and waiting and waiting…as others have said, he is WAY too comfy. Take care of you for now. Big hugs…stay strong.

Post # 13
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

I liked this quote “I plan to live my life as if he is not a 100% in it because he cannot give me that commitment at this time.”

You moved countries to be with him, how could he be unsure or not completely passionate about you?

Do what is right for you.  It’ll be ok and work out in the end πŸ™‚

Post # 14
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee

(((maggierose))) I hope everything works out. Keep working on yourself, because if it doesn’t work out, you won’t have wasted time, but used it to better yourself anyway.

Post # 15
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

“I plan to live my life as if he is not a 100% in it because he cannot give me that commitment at this time.”

Just to elaborate a little more on that….I’ve always said “Don’t make permanent decisions based on (potentially) temporary relationships”.  You said it much more eloquently than me!

No one likes to look at their relationship as potentially temporary. But you have a good head on your shoulders and you’re recognizing that you’re not exactly on the same page.

And By The Way, I’ve been in your shoes before regarding “after a year long relationship, so and so and so and so are engaged..”

One of the first things my guy said when we started talking about this was “who gets engaged after a year?!?”. Actually, one of his friends was proposing to his Girlfriend of one year.  “Well, he’s _____(insert excuses as to why he’s different that my Boyfriend or Best Friend, more successful, older, etc)______”

Moral of the story: I learned that the best way to get a man defensive ASAP is to compare your relationship to someone else’s relationship….

Post # 16
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

:-/ I’m sorry you’re in this position.

I met my ex in Nov 2002. After about 2 years I questioned where we were going. He was so distraught by my “pressing him” and I let it be.

3 1/2 years later (5 1/2 years total) he still “wasn’t ready”. I *thought* we were meant to be. I finally ended it because I knew he was BS’ing me. He didn’t want to be married but he didn’t want to lose his comfort in the relationship.

Please don’t be blinded by your desire for kids. I’m always a little put off when women speak of getting married in terms of having a baby. You want kids in the best marriage possible, not just because.

I hope that things work out for you guys.

The topic ‘Very constructive/honest talk last night…gives me a lot to think about..’ is closed to new replies.

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