- 9 years ago
- Wedding: October 2011
So, some of you may have read my recent posts, and know that I’ve been very anxious and feeling resentful and upset towards my boyfriend regarding his lack of giving me any sort of time line. At one point he said “3 to 5 yrs” but then talking constantly about “when we get married” “our kids” blah blah blah. I even thought maybe he was just trying to surprise me and started looking obsessively at wedding stuff and even sharing it with him.
Anyway, last night, I was looking at a wedding announcement in the paper that said “after a year long relationship, so and so and so and so are engaged..”. I showed him and asked him if he thought a year was long enough to date to get engaged. He said no. I asked, 2 yrs? He said no. 3 years, I asked? (we will celebrate 3 yrs in December). He said NO. I got very upset & walked out of the room in a huff.
However, it led to one of our most productive and honest conversations. I told him I was upset about his comment that 3 years isn’t long enough. He said “can’t you tell, everytime you bring this up, I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT”. I said, I know you don’t, but I DO, and that’s why I KEEP bringing it up, because I keep hoping to get a straight answer from you!
He said again he is not even thinking about it or having getting married on his radar yet and my constant talk about weddings puts him off to it even more 🙁 (so much for my, I’ll go ahead and plan it myself in the meantime, plan!). I said I understood that but that I could feel SO much more at peace if he could give me some idea of “what” he needs to feel ready in his life or career, or how long he feels is enough time to “truly know me” or whatever.
He finally came up with something, in terms of his career. He said that if he stays with his current company, he expects things to go as such: get a promotion and possibly a move around the holidays (Dec/Jan). Then he said, maybe a year after being in new position, he might begin to THINK about getting engaged. So…roughly a year and a half from right now. At that point, we will have been together for 4 years. So, accoding to his timeline, I will be roughly 29-30 when we get married. I cried a little and said I was kind of really hoping we would get engaged in the next 6-9 months, about how much I wanted to have a lot of kids and now I would only have a 5 yr window…we talked about what the difference is for him between living together and getting engaged, since for me it’s like, hey, we share our life already, we are happy, why not get engaged?
I told him how I just always thought when I fell in love with the right person things would fall into place and it wouldn’t be this struggle and fight on my part. However, his being a little more than a year younger than me, I can see his point of view too. He wants to live together for a lot longer first, not as a “test” he tells me, but just to have a better idea of how the other person will handle issues that come up when we are marrid, and how we haven’t had any major problems to face yet, etc.
He’s like, I could just string you along, but I want to be honest, because otherwise a year or two from now you’ll be bitter thinking something else was happening and I don’t want that to happen. I respect and appreciate his honesty, but it hurts. But the fact he was totally up front with me gives me more of an idea of how to plan my future, and I think will make me a happier person going forward.
I moved countries to be with him. I told him that I felt like a year living together is enough time to “know” someone enough to see if you want to take the next step with them (that is on top of a 2.5 year LDR relationship). I told him very clearly that 9 months from now I have every intention of moving back home. We can carry on a LDR for another 6 months or so and see if he is ready to propose. I said, I will give the remainder of the year everything I’ve got, try not to get an attitude or get bitter about not being engaged. I plan to fully plan for the future I want, which may be without him. I plan to apply to grad school in the states, look at houses there I want to buy, etc. I plan to live my life as if he is not a 100% in it because he cannot give me that commitment at this time. I think I will be more at peace in this way. In the future if things change, great, maybe I can modify my plans accordingly. But for now, I cannot live my life expecting him to be part of it when we don’t have a firm committment. I will enjoy or time together as boyfriend/girlfriend, living together, but just take it at face value and not go around with this dumb romantic idea in my head that we will be getting engaged anytime soon.
It’s a bittersweet revelation, but I think it’s for the best.
Sorry this was long but I needed to vent.. 🙂