(Closed) Very difficult and unique situation

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 106
Member
442 posts
Helper bee

Take your blindfold off – you clearly have issues if you still can’t hear us all saying you should keep this monster away from your child.

Your child should be taken away from you if you persist in going ahead with marriage to a ‘man’ who assaults women and sexually harasses them.

You can’t be for real!!!

Post # 107
Member
81 posts
Worker bee

‘As far as the ogling, yep, he was a looker. But I’m guessing some of you have men that do it too.’

Nope. I am sure I don’t speak just for myself when I say I would never tolerate that type of behavior, period – but especially not if it was done with grunting noises

‘In fact, my bf husband makes comments about wanting to sleep with attractive women all the time, in front of his wife, but he’s not a sex offender so that makes it ok, right?’

Not sure if this is sarcasm or not – but no, that is not okay at all, it’s incredibly disrespectful. 

‘I would also like to add that when we got together, he had just ended a 3 1/2 yr relationship with his ex. She had written a letter to him, that I read, and she thanked him for treating her better than anyone else ever had, and that because of him she knows there are still good men out there.’

How do you know that she wrote this letter? Have you ever spoken to her about their relationship and why it ended, or have you just read the letter that he provided to you? 

Edited because I can’t figure out how to quote :/

Post # 108
Member
297 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I am so disturbed by this person, how can you allow such a person next to you?! 

Do your family and friends know about his past? Because I am concerned for your safety. 

Post # 109
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

As a mother of four, I just can’t imagine a scenario in which I would willingly put my children under the same roof as a sexual predator.  It has nothing to do with whether or not he targeted children, men, or women, it’s the fact that he’s capable of sexual violence.  Do you realize what that kind of behavior is a pre-cursor to?  Go look up any well-known serial killer.  Most of them started with sexual violence.  This is not something to screw around with or sweep under the rug.  And no, this is nothing that can ever be cured.  

 

Post # 110
Member
362 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
just4thefunuvit :  “st0dad: this is probably the most helpful comment in 7 pages lol. Thank you for that 🙂 and I agree.”

I’m sorry, OP, but please question whether you think that this is the most helpful comment and you agree w it is just bc this is practically the only post suggesting there is any world in which you should date and marry this guy. If nearly everyone else is individually saying that this is not a good dating or husband candidate that should speak volumes. Is it that nearly everyone in 7pgs of comments just happens to be wrong about this sex offender while 1 lone voice is reasonable in telling you that you can police a man and be enough of a detective and parent to keep him from drinking/doing drugs/staring/grunting/stalking/sexually assaulting women (not to even mention cheating) or might it be that the 7pgs of comments suggesting that he’s an awful match and choice for a husband and father might be reasonable and this one person might be wrong?

and, again, what do your friends and family think?

Post # 111
Member
2968 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
just4thefunuvit :  All of this is so sad and terrifying for pretty much everyone that is reading this right now. You definitely have your blinders on.

I just have to address your updates…

  • letter from an ex saying that he “treated her better than anyone else” errrr what? Who writes a letter to an ex like that? Also if it were true that he “treated her better than anyone else” why did they break up? NONE of this is adding up at all. He is pulling the wool over your eyes. That is what manipulators do. They condition people that don’t have high self esteem to believe that they are someone great/a real catch and then make you doubt what EVERYONE ELSE is saying. Their outlandish tales and even horrible things they may do are easy for the person being manipulated to explain away. Just like i said before- murderers, rapists etc- all of them have someone sitting on their side in those court rooms that are doing exactly what you are doing now and that is being his societal cover/character witness. It’s easier for him to prove to the outside world that he is “normal” or “recovered” if he is acting like a family man and not out dating where he has to keep explaining his situation or having it pop up all the time. That is why he is so “kind and gentle” he needs you way more than you’ll ever need anything from him.
  • Comparing someone that has stalked, sexually assaulted and then grunted at women years after spending 5 years in jail then left to have a driving offense and relapse (drinking) to another man (who i assume is not a predator) making a joke to his wife are apples and oranges. The guy is still a jerk and if I were his wife I would be furious at the disrespect, but these things are not remotely the same.
  • He keeps going for women with children- you have 3 and his ex had 7! Manipulators love that they usually go after women that have had failed relationships, children, have been abused, probably money troubles, thinks no one else wants them and then he says all the right things, & has explanations for EVERYTHING. They shower these women with attention/companionship and more. They make you feel like they alone fill some sort of void in your life.
  • They usually are very impulsive and move very quickly- as evidenced by the fact that you were engaged in less than a year. Predators (which is what he is) aren’t usually people that look or act a certain way. Most times they are charming, polite, outgoing, impulsive, love big grand gestures etc.. They are even able to con MANY around them to believing they are some great person and all the bad things that have happened are the result of something someone else did, mistakes, being drunk/on drugs, youthful mistakes etc…
  • They tend to hang around others that are very much like them & enablers which is why you don’t trust the Best Man even though your Fiances decisions are 100% his problem.

Clearly we are falling on deaf ears because you seem very committed to believing everything he says. Just take care of yourself and your kids. If I were you and I had children I would NEVER let someone like him or his friends anywhere near my children. In fact, I looked up sex offenders in my area before I even moved into my house. Dont think others wont look up your fiance. What about your childrens friends parents once you get married? Some will also look that up and since this is public record if anyone feels that he is the least bit inappropriate and they make any complaints you will lose your children. THINK ABOUT THAT. You also said that he was abused as a child. The abused very often become the abusers. He’s already done some horrific things and don’t think that this won’t happen to you or your kids. You are putting yourself and your family in danger.

Post # 113
Member
2811 posts
Sugar bee

Gary Ridgeway

Ted Bundy

Bittaker & Lawrence

Russel Williams

 

Good luck to you,OP you are gonna need it.

Post # 114
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I was not trying to be unkind.  I’m expressing deep concern for you and your children.  Sexual predators and sexual violence are not things one “gets over” or “Works through”.  It’s pretty hotly debated in the world of child psychology because once a child exhibits those behaviors, it is believed by many that they will simply offend and re-offend for life, leaving numerous victims in their wake.  My life is NOT perfect.  We all try to make the best of what we have.  You are NOT a bad mother.  I firmly believe that you firmly believe that this man is a good man and good for you and your children.  I think that he’s probably shown you the best side of him.  I think that his past is something that you just cannot get around, especially with kids.  Saying you’ll end up dead in a ditch is pretty dramatic, but sexual violence commonly DOES escalate over the course of an individual’s life.  It does not ALWAYS, but it is very common.  I didn’t say he was going to be come a serial killer, I was simply demonstrating that sexual violence is something that you find in a wide range of psychopathic and sociopathic behaviors.  The “letter from the ex” also reeks of this type of personality.  They often have “references” to ensure new individuals in their circle that they are different and have changed.  I’d say 9 times out of 10 these types of people show their “references” to new lovers and friends and employers.  

You are going to do what you are going to do and nothing anyone says here will change that.  You’re playing with fire here.  You truly are.  You seem like a nice, caring person and I know you want to believe you’re being villified here, but you aren’t.  People are freaking out because to see a mother playing with fire like this is scary.  You know him better than we all do, sure, but while that gives you insight, it also clouds your judgement.  Please go into this with your eyes wide open.

Post # 115
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

View original reply
just4thefunuvit :  There is a LAAAAAAAAAARGE distance between “perfect blue house with white picket fence” and “convicted sex offender and assaulter of women.”  Huge.  Obviously no one’s life is perfect, but you do have control over who you marry and invite into your home.  You are not making smart decisions in that regard.

Post # 116
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

View original reply
just4thefunuvit :  There is no “and of course, naked women.” It does not have to be an “of course” thing.

Look, if you are against it, that should be enough. No strippers. The addiction concerns just COMPOUND that. But even if he didn’t have this addiction, if you were uncomfortable with strippers — which I think is completely normal and fair — then he should respect that and not have strippers!! 

Post # 117
Member
272 posts
Helper bee

I think people are being “harsh” because they don’t want to see you end up in a terrible situation that you regret. Based on your original post, it feels like you may not understand the severity of the situation you’re in, so I imagine that’s why everyone is being very straight forward with you. I don’t think most people really want to vilify you, but want to make you understand how serious this is.

Post # 118
Member
683 posts
Busy bee

I hope that somehow you get the courage to walk away from this man and find a good man, a decent man, a man who genuinely will love you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. 

Post # 119
Member
7132 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

“I have not offered excuses.” No one ever thinks they are giving excuses or trying to justify things. However, not only did you blame the best man for your DH’s lack of sobriety, but then you blamed his being assaulted as a minor. While I have the greatest sympathy for any child abused in any way, that does NOT excuse them becoming that which they abhor. 

There are lots of “explanations” (i.e. excuses) for what this man has done and continues to do (not standing up for himself to friends, allowing himself to be put in dangerous situations as far as relapse, grunting in lust over women on the street, etc.), but none of them change who he is or what he has done. 

Listen, if I listed the attributes of several men – including their criminal backgrounds – would you choose your SO if you didn’t know him? People are fond of saying or thinking that love changes everything, but it doesn’t. Do you want to be married to someone you would be ashamed of if his background became known? Do you want a child to have to deal with that? You have made a choice to stay with this criminal, and you have made the choice to love him. This is NOT something that is out of your hands, yet you actively choose every day to be with a sexual predator. 

How would you advise a friend in this situation? Would it concern you that her SO couldn’t take a stand, despite his history and the potential complications of a bachelor party? Would it bother you that she insisted repeatedly that he was such a good man, despite his criminal history attesting to just the opposite? Would it worry you that he treated her with such incredible disresepct as to grunt at other women (apparently not, since your circle thinks it is okay to put up with disgusting, piggish male behavior)? I would hope that you would advise anyone you loved to think twice or twenty more times about this. You are making a poor decision, and no one here wants to see you get hurt.

Post # 120
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

View original reply
just4thefunuvit :  congratulations on your sobriety. But yes, you do have the right to judge. In fact, with a child still in your care, you have an obligation to judge.

You’ve spent a good deal of time justifying this man, to yourself, and now to world around you, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s basically a loaded gun. And you’re not only willing to leave that loaded gun lying about in your close proximity, but actually wiling to pick it up, stare down the barrel, and aim it around haphazardly. You are being immeasurably, grossly, foolish.

 

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