(Closed) Very difficult and unique situation

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 121
4077 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I really don’t think the OP will ever see sense. Her need to defend her commitment to a violent sex offender is greater than her need to keep herself and her child safe.

But I guess that is ok, because he has a sweet letter of reference from an ex. (Why the fuck were you ever shown this letter???? If my husband attempted to hand me something like a letter from an ex of his I would have a conniption.)

Post # 122
7440 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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just4thefunuvit :   You don’t know menor ever will


Did you mean “You don’t know men or ever will” or “You don’t know me or ever will”

Sweetheart. We may not know you but we do know men. More than a few of us have healthy relationships. Not to say we have not faced a person with a past before whether in our dating llife or otherwise. I don’t want to speak for anyone else but know enough about men that his is not healthy. Not for you, your kids or your grandchild. No one has a perfect relationship but there is a significant difference between minor problems and major ones of deviant sexual behavior and going against AA and years of being sober.

Post # 123
10283 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

No ones life is perfect, and I don’t believe any of the bees have suggested their lives are perfect. You came here for advice and guess what, the bees are all worried about you and your child.

its like you’re getting ready to drive off of a cliff and you think it’s safe but we can all see around the curve and it’s not safe. Not at all. 

I’m sorry you’re upset, but I’m also sorry that you are KNOWINGLY putting your child in this situation. You’re the grown up. It’s your job to make safe, smart decisions. For this, you are accountable. 

I’m very sad to see you flouncing off, because it’s obvious you’ve chosen to ignore the advice here.  this is abusive. It’s way off. It’s already not right. It won’t get better. 

Post # 124
740 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

I was the victim of sexual assault. I was kidnapped by two men who lived around the corner from me, one of them broke in a window and unlocked the front door and let the other in. For more than 5 hours I endured the worst kind of hell you could ever imagine. I almost died as a result of their attack.

I can guarantee your BF’s victim didnt think “poor him, he is a sex addict, he couldnt help himself.” Sex addiction if there is such a thing is about having a sex drive so high they constantly have to have sex. What your BF did is not sex addiction. Breaking into a woman’s home and biting her, is a sign of something else. It means he has serious impulse control issues that border on violence. Rape and sexual assault are rarely about the act of sex, its usually about power. 

Im sorry but the fact that you would accept his explaination without seeking out counseling says something about your self esteem. You are willing to enter into a relationship with a man who broke into a woman’s home and assaulted her. He has a problem, but you need to seek out a licensed counselor. They can tell you the difference between a predator and the difference between a sex addict. I dont think you will like the answer. 


Edit: As for the excuse that it happened to him and therefore it caused him to do it as an adult is a cop out. I can tell you that I never ever wanted to rape someone because it was done to me when I was a child. 

The two scum bags who kidnapped me had children of their own and wives. During the trial their wives vouched for them about what good men they were. How they were loving and caring and wouldnt hurt anyone and were great fathers to their children.  They bragged about what they had done and were arrested before I was out of a coma, but their wives still stood by them because they were “good men.”

Post # 125
2021 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess

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just4thefunuvit :  you said that his best man is the reason he has 5 years sobriety instead of 15. that is simply untrue. unless the dude strapped down your husband/so/or whatever and poured alcohol into his mouth, he is not the reason. your so is the only person who can decide when/if to relapse.

Post # 126
1117 posts
Bumble bee

OP, I saw that you were requesting an account delete. I get it. It’s hard to hear these harsh (and blunt AF truths) but please do yourself a favor and ponder the overwhelming concensus of people who have no dog in your fight. Please think about it before you tie yourself to this man.

Post # 127
22 posts

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princessanon0125 :  I’m so sorry you went through this, I hope you’re recovering well; thank you for having the courage to share your story – OP please listen to the advice and concerns everyone is sharing… Especially since you have a son… It would be your business if you were alone but you’re not, if you are not going to consider getting away from this man for yourself, at least do it for your son.  You have him to think of every step of the way. 

Post # 128
2747 posts
Sugar bee

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princessanon0125 :  I am so sorry you had to endure something so horrific.  Yet you came thru and seems like you have been able to move on. Mybest ishes to you.

Post # 129
13968 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Your problem is not a bachelor party. Your problem is that you are considering marrying this person. If it was just you, it would be bad enough.  But you have a child and a responsibility to him that will not be served when and if you put him in harm’s way. My advice is to seek professional counseling for yourself and advice from a reputable child therapist with experience in this area. 

If you don’t like the advice you’ve gotten here, see what they have to say. 


Post # 130
348 posts
Helper bee

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just4thefunuvit :  I once dated a man who’d admitted that he had slapped a woman before. He said that she’d slapped him first and was yelling at him and it was a “gut reaction.” He gave all kinds of reasons for it and explained that he’d never be physical w a woman again. I believed him, but told him that I’d leave if he ever showed signs of that w me.

It took 4 yrs (I guess bc I wasn’t “crazy” like that ex), but it eventually reared its ugly head. He would start a fight over nothing w me (regardless of time of day or other obligations I had at the time) and if I asked him to stop or put it off for a better time, he would follow me from room to room, screaming. One time, he was doing that and as he was (finally, thank goodness) leaving me alone and leaving the room, I went behind him to shut and lock the door. But he changed his mind, and began to push from the other side so I couldn’t close it. That was it. Done. Luckily, I had no kids and we didn’t share property. Why wait to see what happens? You know what happens.

By that time, he’d also admitted to me that he had smacked the woman in public (which is disturbingly bold, like your Fiance biting strangers), he finally admitted to smacking her twice (so it wasn’t one “kneejerk reaction” after all; he claimed she smacked him then he smacked her and then “it happened” again), and he’d admitted that he had smacked her so hard that her glasses had fallen off. That ex of mine had also had previous infidelity issues, but thought that he should be able to have a “guys” bach party and/or go to strip clubs. Whatever version your Fiance told you of his issues is probably barely scratching the surface (as shown by him grunting at the sight of women) and the whole of it will eventually surface. Why be involved even deeper by that time?

Just bc you are in recovery doesn’t mean you don’t deserve better. In fact, you being in recovery means that you should not be w someone who seems pretty active in his addiction and unwilling to protect his sobriety (or try not to be around women in situations that he can’t handle).

Post # 131
7553 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

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princessanon0125 :  Oh my gosh. I am so incredibly sorry for all you have been through. Not that you need my sympathy I am sure but I just wanted to say how brave you are for sharing.

Post # 132
3075 posts
Sugar bee

OP, (I am guessing you are gone for good) do you think he wants to get married so you can’t testify against him… maybe in a rape or murder case? 

Post # 133
5113 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2009 - Barr Mansion

Closing for review.

The topic ‘Very difficult and unique situation’ is closed to new replies.

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