(Closed) Very emotional issue with SO

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3320 posts
Sugar bee

It sounds like you’re doing all the right things, being supportive, and not pressuring him. I haven’t gone through similar, but was with someone through his dad getting cancer and subsequently dying, and it seemed that the best ways I could help were just to be there. I totally get why that would be scary for you, but he is clearly doing the things he needs to do to work on healing, and I think that’s all you can ask. Have you considered therapy for yourself? A good doctor could probably give you good tips on how to help him, as well as making sure you get what you need out of the relationship emotionally. *hugs* he sounds like a very brave person to be facing these issues, and not ignoring them…a rarity in a guy it seems!

Post # 5
Member
3553 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

It sounds like he would benefit from some therapy to deal with his past. I think you have been doing the right things.

Post # 6
Member
338 posts
Helper bee

It sounds like he has very good reasons for being estranged from his family. I can understand your reasons for initially wanting to meet them, but unfortunately I don’t think that your meeting his family is going to be the positive experience that you want it to be. It sounds like you have a lovely family and home life, but I’m guessing that if you met his family, it might be hugely distressing for him and very disappointing and upsetting for you, too. From what you have said, I don’t think that it’s going work out as you hoped.

I can understand why he wants to remain estranged from them, and I’m also wondering if he is feeling pressure (albeit unintentional) to meet up with his family with you when you go to his hometown?? It sounds like he just doesn’t want to have a relationship with them, but feels something of an obligation to do so (hence the last-minute excuses not to go, etc). I wonder if what he needs to hear is that it’s OK for him to remain estranged from his family and that you support that decision 100%.

It must be very very hard for you, but my advice is to be patient and to reassure him that you are there for him and support whatever choices he makes. Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

If his family abused him, WHY on earth would you push to meet them and try to force him to spend time around them????????????????????? Use your head, girl!

Post # 8
Member
1691 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@anonononon:  don’t push him to meet them.  In fact, tell him that you don’t need to and he never needs to see them again if he doesn’t want to.  I think he needs to know that you are ok with him never going back there, and that you welcome him into your loving family instead.  He needs to know there’s no pressure about it, and that he doesn’t ever have to be in that situation unless it’s something he’s decided to do on his own.

Knowing what you know now, I assume (and hope) that you don’t care so much to meet them as you did before. Understanding now why he doesn’t want to see his family, I’m sure you won’t ask to take a trip there again.  He may never be ready for this, and I hope you’re ok with that.

Post # 10
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I think you are doing a great job of being there for him.  You do sound like his best friend and he’s very lucky to have you.  

 

It sucks but you may never get to meet his family, and that might not be a bad thing. Hang in there it does sound like you are opening up a new world for him.  

 

You may not ever have that “which family to spend the holiday” fight. 

Post # 11
Member
1691 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@anonononon:  I’m sure that’s exactly it, he’s had no one to be on his side no matter what, and no one who loved him unconditionally.  Now he does, and that will take some getting used to for him no doubt.  Just keep loving him like you have been, and one day he’ll realize it’s what he’s supposed to have, and what he deserves.

Post # 12
Member
394 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’m actually in the position of your SO in this situation so from that perspective…DON’T PUSH IT! He is in therapy and working through things in his way, at his own pace. You could really disrupt that or cause unneeded pain my trying to push him into this before he’s ready. I know you’re coming from a good place, but I would really not push it if he’s not ready. You 

If you’ve had a good relationship with your family, it’s hard to not want that for him or want to know the person you love’s family. But you also have to realize that the family he grew up with doesn’t have positive connotations for him and IMO, you should support whatever decision he makes – even if it is to not be in contact with them ever again. 

Post # 13
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It’s good that you’re being there for him, but you need to drop the whole “meeting his family” thing. That should be something he wants to do, not something you are pushing him to do. If he doesn’t want to (and has incredibly legitimate reasons), then don’t force the matter. You can still love someone who doesn’t want to have contact with their family. 

Post # 16
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

You’re both in therapy (which is great) and should make sure to keep talking this stuff over with your therapist. And now that you know the background there…I would honestly forget that his family exists as anything but baggage to work through. If they’re that terrible and your SO is semi-estranged, then it’s a much bigger deal for you to meet the people to whom your SO is currently close — his CHOSEN family, as it were.

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