(Closed) Very frightened to marry. Panicked, cancelled photographer. Abuse survior.

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I think you really need to make that appointment, not only to face your wedding issues, but to work through some stuff so that stuff so you can be happy!

I’m really sorry that so much has happened to you and I hope you’re able to do what you can so you can get married and have a fantastically happy married life!

Post # 5
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Shouldn’t your new love make you feel beautiful? You should trust more in him and your love…

 

But yes, I think you definitely should talk to someone in person about this! It’s not healthy.

 

Wishing you the best.

Post # 6
Hostess
18644 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think you need to consider professional help.  I’m sure that you are completely beautiful but you need to talk to someone to help you realize that instead of believing what they skeeve ex said about you.

Post # 7
Member
4567 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Um, you need to go to therapy. I mean that in the nicest way possible, but oo one on the boards is going to be able to give you the advice and perception of your specific situation in order to actually change things.

Post # 8
Member
5657 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

I think you should put the wedding on hold until you can sort through these problems. I don’t think this is a healthy way to have a wedding or start married life. I hope you make it through!

Post # 9
Member
2588 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I went through some horrific abuse too, and honey, the only way to get better is to force yourself to go to therapy. Find a good, humanistic-existential therapist–they are very understanding and kind, but they will also give you some gentle prompting to open up, which is the only way to work through the scars in a timely manner. Going once a week, or once every two weeks, would probably work best for you. Don’t be scared–it’s tough the first few times, but it gets easier. Much easier, and you’ll feel so much better for it.

I was in therapy for three years before I turned 21 and was left insurance-less. I am doing SO much better now than I was three years ago. I took my life back and learned to love myself. If you have any questions or need to talk to someone who’s been there, done that, please don’t hesitate to message me. <3

Post # 10
Member
7423 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

As a survivor of childhood & adult abuse myself, I have to suggest that you see your therapist ASAP.

 

And protect yourself from pressure by others as best you can.  The wedding planning process tends to encourage people to trample your boundaries under the best of circumstances.

This is one of those times when it has to be all about “you”.  Take care of  yourself.  You already know what you need to do.  Reach out to your therapist.

Post # 11
Member
3788 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

A random internet message board isn’t going to “know your scars” any deeper or more meaningfully than your therapist. You need to call.

Post # 12
Member
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’ll jump on the therapist bandwagon but I wanted to also let you know that you aren’t alone.

Fiance was ready to get married quite awhile before I was.  We even rescheduled the date once (by a year) because I was freaking the hell out.  It wasn’t over my appearance–though I had those issues too, but it was more of “what if he turns out to be an abuser too?”  I had no reason to think this, but the thought was persistant and it wouldn’t go away.

It took a long time for us to be able to even have a healthy fight, because I would get so on edge, and so panicked, he just dropped whatever it was that was bothering him.  (Which meant he wasn’t being heard)

I had to consciously remind myself that they were different.  (FI and Ex) They are.  As much so as night and day, but I had to tell myself that all the time. 

I do hope you choose to go to therapy.  While I can’t say what will happen, I can say it won’t get any better if you don’t talk about it.  To a therapist, AND your Fiance.  He has to understand your triggers, and your past.

Post # 13
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I don’t have any other advice, except to agree with PPs that you need to talk to your fiance and your therapist, but I just wanted to wish you and your man all the best. Don’t give up on him! God bless you both 🙂

Post # 14
Member
4150 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Definitely agree with the majority.  Make that call.  You’ll be so happy you did.  So with your Fiance 🙂  I’m sure you’re gorgeous sweetie.

I also went through all types of abuse with my ex (I’ve mentioned this several times on the board, I’m sure some of you are sick of hearing about it!)  Unfortunately I did not go to therapy, and sometimes those wounds are opened by even hearing his name, listening to music, etc.  Please take the opportunity to do this for yourself!

Post # 15
Member
923 posts
Busy bee

There seems to be some judgment from other bee’s saying things like “shouldn’t your fiance make you feel beautiful” and “you should trust him” and that this board maybe isn’t the place to post these kinds of things. First off, please don’t let that deter you from posting questions for advice here. 3 out of 4 women are survivors of abuse, and I’m one of them. You name it I’ve been through it too. And this website is primarily used by women so you do the numbers. Not every person has the same experience going through life as a survivor. Some people just don’t understand on here, so don’t take that to heart. Being a survivor is a very complicated way of life. It takes years to overcome that pain and hurt, but it is doable. That is so hard for people to understand, and passing judgment is never a helpful way of giving support. Shame on those of you for saying those things. You may not think that kind of comment is hurtful, but being a survivor myself I can tell you it is.

Your  thought to call your therapist, like other bee’s have said, is the right thing to do. A professional can help you work through your feelings and get to the heart of whats going on here. I also suggest talking to your fiance about this when the time is right for you. Maybe you already have, but if not maybe he can come to a therapy session with you so that you can have some “back up” while you tell him everything that has been going on in your heart latley. Fear is natural and normal, but also extremely paralyzing. It doesn’t just go away over night “because it should” or because you’re about to get married. Working with a professional who understands what you’re going through is the right thing to do. Please confide in the people around you that you trust, and find a professional who you trust as well.

You are NOT alone. You are not weird or strange. You are NOT damaged goods. You ARE lovable and deserve to be loved. This is a mantra that could take years for you to truly believe (I know, I’m there with you), but talking to someone about all of this will help.

You can do this Hun!!!

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