(Closed) Very hurt, sad, but I think I know what I have to do

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 32
Member
7362 posts
Busy Beekeeper

My older sister is toxic. I have to set very clear boundries with her, limit communicatin. Shes exhausting. When I see her number on my cell I mentally brace. If you need to limit contact do it. Save your sanity, because she will never change. Accept it.

Post # 33
Member
59 posts
Worker bee

My sister also makes nasty comments like this. I have cut her out of my life. Sadly this also means that I don’t get the relationship I could possibly have as an aunt, since she recently had a baby. It makes me sad but I know I needed to do it for my own personal sanity. I just had to remember that there are some things that I can’t change, and that’s ok. Maybe one day she will change, maybe she won’t. Either way I have other family that loves and support me. I had to let everything go so I wouldnt have any resentment or hate in my heart. Those two emotions are just so terrible harbor. My advice to you is no matter how hard, try and accept that it is in your best interest to distance yourself. It’s ok to do that for your own personal needs, because I know for sure your sister isn’t considering them! Sometimes blood isn’t thicker than water, and your family can hurt you more than anyone else. I just there weren’t these perceptions of the “perfect family” that make people think that you have to interact/get along with everyone! Not everyone gets along, sisters or not. Be strong, and eventually distancing yourself will become easier. I’m at a place where my sisters insults roll right off my back, but it took time. Things will get easier, I promise!

Post # 34
Member
308 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

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@Daizy914:  I know its hard, but you’re doing the best thing for you. I always, always will hope my mom will come around, and that is okay… But you also have to remember that people are who they are… and that that is not a reflection of who you are. It will get easier, just surround yourself with people who love you and care about you and want to see you happy. 🙂

Post # 35
Member
964 posts
Busy bee

their is a cousin who I have little to no relationship with. She was jealous of me when we were younger cause I got all the attention and so on and so forth and she was jealous of me and hasn’t been nice to me. I know we have little to no relationship cause she blocked me on twitter and won’t accept my friend request on Facebook. As for a solution I didn’t cut contact with her but I limited contact with her to only talk to her at family gatherings. When my cousin and I are at family gatherings I’m cordial to her and pleasant. End of story. 

Post # 37
Member
850 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Your post reminds me a lot of my mother and her youngest sister.  I grew up watching my aunt and her husband (and later my cousins) make digs at my mother (and later my father and me).

And with a sister situation like this, I honestly believe that the issue is this: it’s not jealousy, but there is something about her she doesn’t like, and it’s easier for her to lash out at you and be cruel than to actually look at herself.

Don’t feel badly about limiting contact with her, or keeping your space.  You can mourn the lack of a relationship with her, but don’t force it.  Only look at this relationship in the terms of what you get out of it, because all she will do is try to take from you.  If you want to be kind to her because that’s what you want, then do it.  If you want to ignore her, then do that.  You have no obligation to her.

Because if she’s anything like my aunt, she will teach this behavior to others.  Those closest to her (boyfriends, husbands, or children) will observe and learn to treat you and yours just as poorly.  And it sucked having an aunt treat me like shit my entire life and not realize until my mid-20s why.

Post # 39
Member
1010 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@Daizy914:  My sister and I had a VERY VERY toxic relationship for YEARS! She resented me and blamed me for EVERYTHING. She is my oldest sister by two years. About 5-6 years ago I started to ignore her arrogant mean comments she would direct towards me. I just didnt give a F. I cared about myself and not her and HER issues with me. I didnt care why she was mad at me this time even though I did absolutely nothing. About 3 years ago she was throwing some BS towards me and I set her straight. I told her her opinion does not matter to me. I don’t care and in short told her “If you have nothing nice or productive to tell me keep it to yourself.” 

Here is a GREAT article I read today that a good friend of mine posted today. 

The 10 Types Of Toxic People That Mentally Strong People Avoid

Post # 41
Member
679 posts
Busy bee

Just curious: Have you ever said nasty things back to her? If I were you, I’d have a field day about her being a broke pot head w/ no ambition in life, let alone her being w/ man who treats her like my husband does. Then, I’d tell her never to contact me again. But that’s just me. Not saying to actually do this…just wondering if you ever gave her a taste of her own medicine.

Post # 42
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Daizy914:  First of all, I’ve looked at your wedding recap MANY times, you are gorgeous and far from fat. And your hubby is to die for, so your sister is probably just jealous.

It sounds to me like you’ve tried pretty hard to build some sort of relationship with them, but it takes two to make it work, and she seems to miserable to be interested. Stop trying. Step back from her. If/when she wants to build a relationship with you, let her do the work.

I (unfortunately, not by choice), have not spoken to my younger sister in over 5 years, and I have come to accept the fact that as hard as I tried to reunite with her, she has to be interested for it to work. The same can be said of your situation.

Good luck, you GORGEOUS WOMAN you!

Post # 43
Member
3370 posts
Sugar bee

@Daizy914:  I do not get along with my sister. It has always been a one-sided relationship with her. She makes no effort to act like family and after 35 years of her being an asshole to me I gave up. I don’t mean she says mean things to me, she just makes it obvious that she doesn’t care. I haven’t spoken to her in almost a year and I’m not inviting her to my wedding. Just because we’re related doesn’t mean I have to let her make me feel like shit. She doesn’t want to have a sisterly relationship with me? Fine. Fuck her. I am way too old to give a shit anymore.

Post # 44
Member
522 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Although I’m blessed to have a wonderful immediate family, my mother once cut out pretty much everyone in her family but her brother. She and her sister now have a fairly cordial Facebook-only relationship, but this is after about 20 years in which they saw each other only a handful of times. She assures me that she is a much happier person because of it.

Post # 45
Member
472 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@Daizy914:  It’s not an immediate family member, but a cousin to whom I was very, very close growing up (and her immediate family has also cut her out). She’s a really vicious, selfish person (steals money and items, has tried to seduce multiple female relative’s SOs, spreads vile rumors about people, is very unstable- would call up her Brother-In-Law in the middle of the night claiming her boyfriend was beating her and please come get her, then when he showed up tried to get her boyfriend to fight him, that kind of thing). After a certain number of years of her inflicting misery and chaos in to every family event, I just shut her out, and so did her sister and parents. I’ve spoken to her a few times via social media since, but I don’t think I would ever trust her in my actual home or life again. 

At some point you have to do what’s best for you. Sometimes people we love and want the best for don’t return the sentiment

Post # 46
Member
516 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Daizy914:  

i am so sorry that you’re going through this **hugs** I also have a sister who I do not get along with, luckily, she is only a half sister. I only talk to her maybe once or twice a year. She isn’t quite as blatant as yours, but she’s definitely snarky and tries to put me down whenever she does talk to me. I gave up a long time ago at attempting any sort of a relationship with her.

I think you should cut your sister out for a while and give her some time to grow up. Maybe try again later to have a relationship with her, and if she hasn’t changed…then say forget it. Does your mom know how rude she is to you? I imagine if she did, she would be a little more understanding of you not wanting your sister involved in your life so much.

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