Post # 1
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
FI’s cousin and wife live across the country from us. We usually see them about twice a year when they come to our coast for the holidays and then again over the summer. We saw them a few days after we got engaged over the summer at family BBQ/her Baby Shower. She was expecting her first child, due Thanksgiving week. Today when Fiance was talking to a different cousin he found out that she had lost the baby a few days ago. Fiance didn’t have much info. I am not sure what is proper now. Should we call them or send a letter? I am sure they are going through so much and don’t want to pry and don’t know if they would even what to talk. If she is starting to heal and then we send a card I don’t want to upset her. I don’t want them to think we don’t care. I was so upset for them. What is the proper thing to do?
Post # 3
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
Send them flowers and a note of condolence. It is not like they could have kept it a secret since she was obviously pregnant.
Post # 4
Member
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
I think flowers and/or a letter would be better than calling. It happened to my cousin last year and she just didn’t want to talk about it or acknowledge it or go out in public for the longest time. I think it’s good to send something to say you’re there for the person when they’re ready to talk about it or ask for help.
Post # 5
Member
46600 posts
Honey Beekeeper
I would send flowers and a letter. Parents who lose a baby, no matter what the gestational age, have experienced the loss of a child.
It hurts even more when people ignore the loss. Don’t worry about upsetting them. It will give comfort. Just express that you are sorry for their loss.
Post # 6
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
Flowers and a card, for sure
Post # 7
Member
403 posts
Helper bee
treat is as you would treat any member of the family that passes away. this was a fully formed baby. it is soooooo heartbreaking and it’s unimaginable what she is going through.
Post # 8
Member
659 posts
Busy bee
I would also consider seeing if there’s a way you can have a prepared dinner sent to them. I know it sounds weird, but my coworker’s wife just had major surgery and I told our office to send a meal instead of flowers because, just like in this situation, I think they’re in the situation that no one wants to have to worry about grocery shopping or cooking.
just a thought, but I know it’s the type of gesture that’s not typical but very much appreciated and helpful.
Post # 9
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
That’s awful. I would treat it exactly like if they lost a child. Don’t worry about a card making her upset again, I doubt she could be anywhere near “moving on” at this time. This would have to be so much more devastating than a really early miscarriage (which are much more common). I agree with the suggestion of sending food if possible rather than flowers – maybe an edible fruit arrangement? Or could you get a local restaurant in their area to deliver some boxed up meals to their home?
Post # 10
Hostess
18637 posts
Honey Beekeeper
I agree with the flowers and card. I knew someone who lost twins late in the pregnancy and she didn’t want to talk to anyone on the phone for a while. Just send them a note telling them you are thinking of them.
Post # 11
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
Thank you ladies. I think I will send a small flower arrangement and a card. It is heartbreaking, so late into the pregancy is it losing a child.
Post # 12
Member
1940 posts
Buzzing bee
How terribly sad. I’m glad you’re sending a flower arrangement and card. The only thing I had to add (and this is one of those picky things…) – if she ever wants to talk about it, I wouldn’t use the word miscarriage. A miscarriage occurs before 20 weeks and a stillbirth occurs after 20 weeks.
Post # 13
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
@EvaBostonTerrier: Thanks, I didn’t know. I just thought I would say loss.
Post # 14
Member
1940 posts
Buzzing bee
I think that’s a great way to put it.
Post # 15
Member
1310 posts
Bumble bee
@enoh102: Not to argue with you, but I just wanted to say that many women who miscarry early in pregnancy still would say that they lost a child. There is no magical time during gestation where after you cross it you lost a baby, and before you cross it you just lost a bunch of tissue.
This is one of the many hurtful attitudes about pregnancy that makes it so hard for moms who are going through a miscarriage. Sometimes people (even relatives) minimize the pain because “it’s so early.” My Future Sister-In-Law just went through the death of her baby at about 10 weeks – it’s the third time in a row for her, and it has been devastating every time. From the moment she found out she was pregnant she loved her children and was excited to meet them.
I think it’s a great idea to send something. Just acknowledging that something happened – in a way that doesn’t require her to talk about it – is meaningful. There is so much silence around these losses and it prevents mom from getting the support they need. Thank you for doing that! 🙂
Post # 16
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
@Magdalena: I was not trying to say losing a baby at an early time was any less painful. It was just that her loss was so late that everyone knew. She had had showers, the nursery was setup, etc. A lot of the time when someone misscarries early on they haven’t even told people they were expecting and its a more private pain.
