(Closed) Very Late Term Miscarriage Etiquette?

posted 7 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Send them flowers and a note of condolence.  It is not like they could have kept it a secret since she was obviously pregnant.

Post # 4
Member
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I think flowers and/or a letter would be better than calling. It happened to my cousin last year and she just didn’t want to talk about it or acknowledge it or go out in public for the longest time. I think it’s good to send something to say you’re there for the person when they’re ready to talk about it or ask for help. 

Post # 5
Member
46331 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would send flowers and a letter. Parents who lose a baby, no matter what the gestational age, have experienced the loss of a child.

It hurts even more when people ignore the loss. Don’t worry about upsetting them. It will give comfort. Just express that you are sorry for their loss.

Post # 6
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Flowers and a card, for sure

Post # 7
Member
403 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

treat is as you would treat any member of the family that passes away.  this was a fully formed baby.  it is soooooo heartbreaking and it’s unimaginable what she is going through.

Post # 8
Member
659 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I would also consider seeing if there’s a way you can have a prepared dinner sent to them.  I know it sounds weird, but my coworker’s wife just had major surgery and I told our office to send a meal instead of flowers because, just like in this situation, I think they’re in the situation that no one wants to have to worry about grocery shopping or cooking. 

just a thought, but I know it’s the type of gesture that’s not typical but very much appreciated and helpful.

Post # 9
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

That’s awful.  I would treat it exactly like if they lost a child.  Don’t worry about a card making her upset again, I doubt she could be anywhere near “moving on” at this time.  This would have to be so much more devastating than a really early miscarriage (which are much more common).  I agree with the suggestion of sending food if possible rather than flowers – maybe an edible fruit arrangement?  Or could you get a local restaurant in their area to deliver some boxed up meals to their home?

Post # 10
Hostess
18644 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I agree with the flowers and card.  I knew someone who lost twins late in the pregnancy and she didn’t want to talk to anyone on the phone for a while.  Just send them a note telling them you are thinking of them.

Post # 12
Member
1940 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

How terribly sad.  I’m glad you’re sending a flower arrangement and card.  The only thing I had to add (and this is one of those picky things…) – if she ever wants to talk about it, I wouldn’t use the word miscarriage.  A miscarriage occurs before 20 weeks and a stillbirth occurs after 20 weeks.

Post # 14
Member
1940 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think that’s a great way to put it.

Post # 15
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@enoh102: Not to argue with you, but I just wanted to say that many women who miscarry early in pregnancy still would say that they lost a child. There is no magical time during gestation where after you cross it you lost a baby, and before you cross it you just lost a bunch of tissue.

This is one of the many hurtful attitudes about pregnancy that makes it so hard for moms who are going through a miscarriage. Sometimes people (even relatives) minimize the pain because “it’s so early.” My Future Sister-In-Law just went through the death of her baby at about 10 weeks – it’s the third time in a row for her, and it has been devastating every time. From the moment she found out she was pregnant she loved her children and was excited to meet them.

I think it’s a great idea to send something. Just acknowledging that something happened – in a way that doesn’t require her to talk about it – is meaningful. There is so much silence around these losses and it prevents mom from getting the support they need. Thank you for doing that! 🙂

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