Post # 1
I’m about to get engaged. Which is great, and very exciting, because I’m very ready to get on with enjoying my life with my best friend at my side!
But I am very private about my love life, and I am really not looking forward to sharing the news with everyone. I hate all of the questions and opinions and speculation and “let’s see the ring!” and all of that stuff. I don’t even like weddings, and I would almost certainly be getting eloped if my church would recognize that kind of wedding (they don’t). So my soon-to-be-fiance and I plan to pay for our ceremony and a small family-only reception completely on our own so that we don’t have to deal with anyone else getting involved with the planning. Very simple – no bridal party, no big reception, just a nice dinner after all is said and done. I do not even want a shower because I’ve been living on my own for 6 years and I already have everything I could possibly need.
Is there anyone else who felt this way about their engagement and wedding planning, and if so, how did you deal with keeping people out of your business once the “news” was broken? Is it even possible?
Post # 3
I’m not what’d you call a private person- I love a lot of attention. I don’t really have a voice of experience to share on this but I do have some $0.02 to throw in.
We’ve been engaged for 9 months now so I will tell you first hand…you cannot keep people from butting in, asking questions, making suggestions, etc.The only thing you can control is how you react. If you don’t wish to discuss your plans, just say something dismissive.
I suggest reading Miss Manners’ column and archives. She has a lot of great advice on telling people “it’s none of your business” in gracious yet forward ways.
Post # 4
I’m not necessarily a super-private person, but I didn’t want this wedding to be a spectacle. We are not having a bridal party or any showers. It really hasn’t been a big deal, though I’m not the type of person to worry about if my personal choices disappoint everyone. As far as announcing your engagement, if people noticed the ring, I politely showed them and was just positive, but vague about any wedding plans (“We looking forward to it, it will be a great day.”). It’s easy to change the topic by asking the other person about whatever is new in their own life. Don’t worry about it. You’ll drive yourself crazy if you think too much about what people might say/think.
Post # 5
Could you hold off on telling anyone until you have the ceremony and dinner booked, then you could send announcement/invitations to your wedding at the same time, get it all done within a month, and just be married and moving on. (Of course, then you’ll be asked about kids.)
Post # 6
@Americano: +1 Exactly what I was going to say.
@marie_antoinette: I had a coworker who got engaged but never wore her ring and didn’t tell anyone. She took a “vacation” and came back married. No one actually noticed her ring for a couple days. 🙂 But yeah… then we all wanted to see pictures and stuff, but at least she didn’t have to answer a zillion questions before the wedding.
Post # 7
@marie_antoinette: Im a pretty private person when it comes my relationship with my FH. I used to tell people oh im still looking or working on it. That way i dont have to give details and i also told them it will all be on the invite. People will always chime in once they know the news, its up to you to share what you want with others.
Post # 8
I feel the same way but I’m stuck with a bigger wedding! Here’s some tips I can offer..
1. Don’t apologize/justify your choices – everyone will be asking you “why are you doing..” “why aren’t you doing..” so be prepared for stock, lame answers and a smile. Don’t feel you have to justify your choices to other people.
2. Whenever people feel like asking me about wedding plans, I usually cut them off and say something like “That’s a fall problem, and it’s still spring.. ask me later.” I make it sound like there’s so much to do so they back off.. usually they forget by the time my made-up time rolls around. This trick has kept me sane on many occasions.
3. Remember you can’t tell people how to love you.. you go into it feeling like this wedding is about you, and I’ve found it feels more about other people than me! Just remember that these kind of occasions are opportunities for the people who love and care about you to show it.. and man do they show it in weird ways. Try to embrace it if you can, and remember it’s usually coming from a good place (although they sound like nosey entitled brats sometimes!)
Goooood luck! 🙂
Post # 9
Thanks everyone – these are really great suggestions!
Post # 10
Allow me to share my advice:
Advice for Newly Engaged Bees
Covert op! Need to know only!
Post # 11
@Americano: What a great idea. I didn’t even think of the possibility of just not telling anyone until the invites go out.
Post # 12
@Rachel631: THANK YOU. Your entire post there is exactly what I am trying to avoid. That was a great read, too! Thank you so much for sharing. I think I’ve decided to keep the upcoming news as covert ops as possible. The last thing I want is everyone’s opinion, and I know I will be subject to some of that, but the less people know, they less they can comment about it.
Post # 13
@marie_antoinette: I’m a private person, I idn’t make an announcement, I just let people figure it out, and then went on about my day.
Post # 14
@marie_antoinette: You have a huge advantage that I didn’t realise I had at the start though… for every dilemma you will have then there is the hive (as opposed to your BMs, Mum, Future Mother-In-Law etc, who may all have agandas of their own). And the best bit is that if the hive disagrees with you, then they don’t know your real name or where you live, so they can all suck it!
Seriously though… bee power!
Post # 15
@marie_antoinette: I think we may be the same person, haha.
We’ve dealt with this as a united front. We haven’t even purchased the ring yet, but we have picked our ceremony and reception venue. When I get family friends butting in and giving us “advice,” we just politely say, “actually, we’re thinking X for the ceremony, and Y for the reception. We’ve been in touch with them.” When talk of guest lists comes up, I say, “it will be an intimate event, with less than 50 people.” I keep details matter of fact, and on a need to know basis.
On the plus side, I have wonderful people in my life who, although would love to help me throw a huge 300 person soiree, also know me and my boyfriend well. It would be out of character for me to demand a huge princess-for-a-day wedding in a castle, and they know it. When they do slip up, I cut them some slack. I agree that their idea would be oh so fun, but certainly not what I have in mind for my own nuptuals.
The only thing that I can’t get a handle on is the bacholerette party, and it’s because we’ve been together for almost a decade. The few friends I’ve even told about the engagement (to get their opinions on rings) have gone absolutely wild already with planning, and I think it’s only fair to let them have that.
Post # 16
@MexiPino: That actually happened with my boyfriend’s coworker! They randomly got married on a weekend getaway with only immediate family present, and they didn’t tell anyone until afterward. It was so weird becaues the week before they left, we had gone to dinner with them and discussed the immense pressure to get married when you’ve been in a longterm relationship (8-10 years for each of us). After dinner, my boyfriend and I joked how we should just have a city hall wedding and invite our friends/family out for a nice relaxed dinner after. Next Monday, my boyfriend asked his coworker how his weekend was, and the response? “We got married.”
It must be more common that I thought, hah.