Post # 1
Umm help!! A lot of my workmates know me and my fiance are marrying in private at the courthouse in 5 weeks. It’s exactly what we want – private, romantic, intimate… my fiances family live overseas and they cant attend (they are coming next year for a holiday/celebration). The only (suprise) guests are my mother, step-dad, sister and brother. They love my fiance so its lovely for them to come along (plus they live interstate so its exciting to see them). So background is – we’ve gone from JUST me and Fiance (and photog) to immediate family on my side. As far as I’m concerned, thats plenty. I wouldnt want anyone else. Not even best girlfriends – the plan was just me and him so that fine to have immediate family come.
So normal questions at work “what are you guys getting married?…not long now etc…” and a semi-good friend coworker (male) started joking that the courthouse is just down the road from our office so he’s going to show up on the day with my 2 other coworkers (female, close team)… I thought he was joking until he went to his desk and sent me and those two girls a meeting invite for the date and time “Cupcake’s Wedding” and put the address of the courthouse etc. Ummm he just invited himself and my two coworkers… Once I got home and had a think about it I was really mad… actually more, upset and got a bit teary telling my mum. My mum thought it was sweet that he wanted to support me… I find this TOTALLY rude. I almost feel like because we’re having a courthouse wedding it almost doesnt come with the normal ettiquite rules… and he’s almost making a bit of a mockery of how special this day is supposed to be… I’m excited, now I’m just dreading these 3 turning up and its weird…….my immediate family are standing there, and there are my three random coworkers?!
I made a few snide jokey comments like “well theres a guest list and you guys arent on it, sorry! hahaha” trying to make them realise its totally rude. I feel like he’s making it a joke so that I cant seriously say “i’m sorry, its family only..” I feel I have no say in my own ceremony.
I’m at the point where I want to change the ceremony time just so I can sneakily get out of it, but that would throw out our plans for the rest of the day!
Am I crazy? Or am I correct in thinking this is rude??
One thing that really upsets me is Fiance has no family here, or close friends or workmates in Aus that would do that… so its almost like all these people are coming for ME, and on our wedding day theres no one there for him? The whole purpose of having it just me and him was so that his family didnt feel left out… and now I think that just makes it look worse. Also, if I WANTED to invite 3 more people, I’m pretty sure we’d invite someone closer than my random workmates….
I’m fuming. Sorry for the long post, I’m literally at work cringing everytime I see this guy… he’s lovely, but he’s started something that I dont know how to stop!
Post # 3
@caramelcupcake: That sucks. I know they are excited for you and trying to be supportive, but it’s not helpful at all!
I would tell him “Hey- I really appreciate your support and I love you for it. But the problem is Fiance doesn’t have anyone coming from his side. Since I already have my family there and he doesn’t, I feel like adding MY friends in would make him feel bad and like it was more my wedding than his. I hope you understand and I would love to celebrate with you later, but it would really mean a lot to me if you could not ‘joke’ about crashing my wedding!”
Post # 4
@MexiPino: I know, but most people who are supportive/excited and know that we’re having something private would organise a morning tea/lunch or something… like something work-related… cos my work is seperate from my private life.. and I def dont want 3 awkward workmates there when me and my mum are bawling our eyes out!
I declined the meeting request and copied in the two girls, saying:
“I’ll poiltely decline…. you dont want to unleash the bridezilla!
However I am looking forward to the afternoon tea you are holding in my honor the day prior!!!”
For personal events like babies, wedding etc, our company encourages small afternoon teas, cards etc… so I think if I focus on that and make it clear that something along those lines is a much more appropriate show of support wont hurt anyones feelings..
Funnily enough, my supervisor (one of the two girls encouraged to comes along) saw my response and muttered under her breath “well done cupcake… very dipolmatic..” so I’m glad I know she was REALLY joking… so hopefully that discourages the gentleman..
Post # 5
@caramelcupcake: Just straight up, straight face, all jokes aside, tell all three of them that you really appreciate their support and their wanting to come, but it’s a very small court house wedding with the only guests being your parents and siblings. Tell them you look forward to showing them pics from the day.
That’s it. Don’t sweat it, don’t change the time. Just tell them the truth, it’s family only and they aren’t invited. No explanations needed. There’s going to be 7 people there for crying out loud, how can anyone get upset over not being invited to a wedding of 7 people, including the photographer.
Post # 6
Men need to be told in straight terms. Not joking, not sarcasm, just straight up you are not invited. I’m sure the women would never just show up to your wedding!! In this situation it’s not about hurting feelings. There is no grey area here. It’s you, your Fiance and your immediate family only. Anyone that would be hurt by not being invited to this is out of their mind. He’s not going to be hurt, he’s just being dense.
Post # 7
He’s been married about 4/5 times… that could possibly be the reason he’s being dense about the ettiquette…. I havent heard back from him..
My mum has gone insane if she thinks its ‘sweet’ and it ‘wont matter if they show up’ umm yes it will. Because my fiance means the world to me and I dont want him to feel ‘alone’ on our wedding day!
I seriously am such a push-over too… so writing that email back was a big deal for me. He hasnt written back or said anything yet so if he brings it up again I’m going to have to bite the bullet and be straight. I’m nervous to stick up for myself but I really feel like it would ruin the whole ‘feel’ of my wedding.
I totally agree with you guys, I explained it to my mum like this: Hypothetical- If I said “really sorry but its only close family…” then he bitched about me and said “cupcake wouldnt let us come to her small intimate family-only wedding!” …..how ridiculous would that sound to the common person, I’d say most people would be like…. “ummm yeah, fair enough!” haha
Post # 8
It doesn’t matter how big or small your wedding is, or whether it is at a courthouse, country club, church, or bar, it is your wedding, and people do not get to invite themselves to it, period.
Tell your coworker straight up that it is a private family function, and while you appreciate his support, it is not appropriate for him to be there. Don’t make excuses about your FH’s feelings, or your family, or anything else – “Family function, but we appreciate the thought. I’ll show you some photos after and tell you all about it if you like.”
Be firm and clear, and don’t be afraid to speak to the other two women as well, so that they can help you out.
Post # 9
Yes… if i were you, I’d keep any form of sarcasm out of the picture when you tell them not to show up. Be sweet, like pps are mentioning, but when you say “watch out for Bridezilla!!” that kind of comes off as teasing to me, like it might still be tough for someone who’s a little on the denser side to realize that you really don’t want them there. I’d recommend even doing it in person, going up to this guy and saying, entirely straight-faced, that you enjoy his enthusiasm, but that you wanted to make sure he was just kidding about actually showing up. This gives him a very easy “out” while still expressing your serious desires about him not being there.
I totally get this… I’m having a more traditional wedding, with the reception and such, but the size of our venue, combined with me and Fiance both having huge extended families, means we’ve had to make really tough cuts to our guest list. No extended family. And when some other random person makes it on the list, I always think of the people I would rather have had. Having coworkers there and not a close friend would be weird.