Post # 1
I apologize in advance for the length but there’s a relatively long and messed up back story. I guess this is a bit of a vent But I could use your kind words of encouragement as I’m hurting
i have a mentally ill mother and sister who both have struggled with severe eating disorders and BPD, my mother for over 35 years and my sister for the past 10 or so years.
my mother was a great mom to me growing up. she took care of my sister and I and was a very successful teacher who is now retired. After her retirement her health took a steep decline. She exercises for hours a day, has lost a lot of weight and OBSESSES over her food. My sister is worse off, she can’t maintain a job, has been hospitalized with IV twice and been told she could die from this and is in very bad shape. I have tried to be there for both of them but this is has become increasingly difficult to watch both women, who I love dearly, slowly kill themselves. Their relationship is enmeshed and dangerous. They feed off each other and spend a lot of time together and fight like cats and dogs. My father is extremely loyal and patient almost to a fault and has been enabling them for years, mostly because he’s out of options. I feel powerless and worthless about all this mess…. Anyway, that’s the back story and here’s the reason for my post….
my grandparents on my mothers side are the love of my life. I love them more than anything. I am extremely close to them. They are almost 90 years old. My grandfathers health is declining and had to go on dialysis over a year ago. He’s doing well but has bad days. My grandmother is having more difficulty doing every day tasks even though she is strong as hell. They moved a few towns over from us to be near my mom and my family (they have two other kids, my aunt who lives a half hour away from us and a their oldest son, my uncle, who lives in Florida) my mom was their savior and the child who was supposed to care for her aging parents. That was the original plan when they moved up here over 13 years ago but things have drastically changed…
as my mother has spiraled further into her disorder she has neglected the relationship with her parents (my beloved grandparents) who now need more care than ever. There’s not much I can do for them as I have a full time job. My sister is impossible and also very deep into her disease so she can’t do anything to help even without a job. The whole thing is so fucking frustrating….I WISH I could do more for them but it’s just not possible so they have been looking into moving into assisted living which is now absolutely necessary.
But I was just dealt a severe blow, i found out last week that my grandparents have decided to move to Florida to be near their son (my uncle) who is a doctor and who is much more capable of helping them than my mom has been. Also it is much cheaper to live there then in NJ where they are now. I get it but I am devastated. I haven’t been able to stop crying and im terrified that I might not see them again, as irrational as that sounds. This move is planned for January 2nd, so in essence they have been planning this for awhile and have avoided telling all of the family up here because they know that none of us will be happy about it.
i went to visit them today and I just couldn’t help it I was hysterical. I don’t want them to go. They’re so important to me and I can’t help being angry with my mom And sister….. I wish they would stay. They told me they will be at my wedding NO MATTER WHAT and were emphatic but I’m terrified they won’t. (Their dream is to see me get married and have told me this for years.) Im a fucking mess and I don’t know what to do. Please help me. I’m destroyed and I don’t think I can handle all this….
Post # 2
Wow. That’s so heavy. Im so sorry you’re going through this.its so much I don’t even know where to begin. I know you love your grandparents and as much as you want them to stay you must support them in having a better quality of life. Please be more forgiving of your mom and sister. They are struggling with horrible illnesses and they need your love and support. It hurts and it sucks but for your grandparents sake, don’t put guilt on their shoulders. Let them know you want what’s best for them. (((Hugs)))
Post # 3
Cheekie0077: I’m so sorry for your situation. I know the heartache and chaos that mental illness can cause. Please understand that your grandparents are doing what’s best for them. Your mom and sister are sick. They can’t help. I know it’s hard not to be angry, but really, sympathy and compassion are more in order if you can find it in your heart. You have your reasons why it’s not feasible for you to help them, and your mom and sister have their reasons. It’s kind of not fair for you to be mad at them for not being able to help when you’re not either. Can you be grateful that your uncle can help and try to be happy for your grandparents, that they have the strength, wisdom, and resources to do what’s best? Again, I’m very sorry for your situation and hope you can find some peace for yourself and acceptance for your mom and sister.
Post # 4
As hard as it is for you, I would encourage you to try to be more calm and accepting of the situation in front of your grandparents. Just think how your histrionics are making them feel. They have probably agonized over the living situation and are fully aware that you will miss them. They will miss you too.
Instead of focussing on your loss, put your mind to work to maximize contact after they move. Are they internet savy? If yes, you can skype or facetime. If not, you could teach them the basics before they move. Maybe the whole family could buy them a laptop amd pay for internet service as their Christmas gift.
Post # 5
You sound like an amazing sister, daughter, and granddaughter. I wish for the best of health for everyone in your family. Will you be able to visit them in Florida often? My grandparent lives a plane ride away, and I feel your pain in worrying that each time will be the last time. Will your grandparents be able to visit you in NJ often?
Post # 6
I used to be on dialysis prior to my double transplant. Your grandfather must make plans in advance to travel since dialysis facilities tend to be overcrowded and he will have to find one with an opening on a day that he needs in an area that he needs. He might have to travel some distance. I can understand that you will miss them and that they are an important part of your life. However, if they were my grandparents I would want the best possible care and companionship for them. If your mother and sister are stressful to you imagine how much more stressful they are to your grandparents who don’t have the mental distraction of a full-time job. I am certain that they love and worry about all their children and grandchildren.
I second the idea of a laptop for them as a gift. If they don’t feel comfortable with the technology then put them on a phone plan. It will make keeping in touch easier. You sound like a saint for helping your mother and your sister. My niece has borderline personality disorder and was diagnose with seven mental disorders when she was three years old. My sister and brother-in-law had no relief unless my mom and I would look after their daughter. It was exhausting since we couldn’t think like her to avoid what situations would set her off. I can only imagine how important you are to your mom and sister. Please don’t be angry with them, if they could they would choose to be mentally stable.
Please be happy for your grandparents. They are doing what is best for their health. Keep them posted about your wedding planning until they can get back for your wedding. They will appreciate hearing from you and let them know that you will miss them but you support them in their move. Maybe you could visit them in Florida?
Post # 7
Cheekie0077: I don’t really have any advice but I am so sorry you are going through the anticipated loss of your dear grandparents moving and the loss involved in your mother and sister becoming emotionally ill. You will get through it easier and better than you think. Concentrate on the small joys of the holiday season without expectations and maybe the next couple months will hold even bigger joys. Hugs!
Post # 8
Cheekie0077: Oh sweetheart I’m so sorry. My mother has been struggling with anorexia and a severe anxiety disorder her whole life so I know what that’s like. But, look at it this way, this will probably prolong your grandparents life, so while they won’t be as close, they’ll be in your life longer! I know it’s so much easier said than done, but just try to enjoy your holidays and think about how lucky you are to have people in your life that you care SO much about that the thought of being without them sends you into hysterics. Not many people get to experience a love that strong!
Post # 9
I’m so sorry you’re going through this! Both of my parents are mentally ill, so I feel you.
But… I just have to say this, my best friend’s parents live in Florida and she’s in Pennsylvania (right next door to you!) She flies down to see her parents multple times a year, basically whenever she has enough vacation time and money saved up. It doesn’t seem like a very big deal for her. If you want, I can ask her which airlines she uses, if she’s part of a frequent flier club, how she budgets for it, etc. and pass it onto you…
You could also buy them an iPad and set it up with FaceTime! I think tablets are easier than computers for oldsters since the touch screens are very intuitive. My father-in-law remarried a Swiss woman and spends half the year overseas, so we did that for him, and it’s just like hanging out normally! We saw each other for the first time in… I think almost a year, but it didn’t occurr to Darling Husband or I that that much time had passed.
Post # 10
angelaw2g: Daisy_Mae: julies1949: woohoo2016: delphinia: littlechickie: minniegrace: ladies thank u so much for commenting and offering UR advice. this whole thing has been difficult to say the least. Ive been trying to hold it together for everyone. I try not to cry or show my anger bc I know this is counterproductive but I couldn’t help it last night, I feel like I’m going to burst sometimes. I think I need to see a counselor just to organize my thoughts and to help me express things. My Fiance is worried that I hold it all in too much. I’m being patient with my mother and sister and am trying to be understanding. It’s just frustrating beyond belief when my grandmother tells me in confidence that there were many times where my sister told my grandpa she could drive him to and from dialysis only to cancel on him an hour before she was scheduled to pick him up. This had me FUMING. I understand she is sick but her selfishness sometimes is unmatched. I wish I was home during the day so I could take him….
i am totally supporting their move, I know they have to do this for their own health and well being and I am grateful to my uncle for agreeing to help them and being so understanding. He is a plastic surgeon living in a beautiful home and they will be living with him for a few months until they can find a place I know they will be taken care of and living veryyyy comfortably. This makes me smile. I just can’t help being upset. I can travel to them for sure, I have the money to do so and I will. I just really needed to vent as I feel like this is killing me.
and we can def FaceTime and Skype. My grandpa has a new iPhone 6+ haha. He might be almost 90 but he is very techsavvy haha.
thano u all again for UR kind words and sympathy. It truly means a lot to me, and
minniegrace: thanks for understanding my pain. I hope UR mother and family can find peace with her issues as well. It’s tough as hell and I completely understand what UR going through too… My grandmother is like a second mother to me and always tells me I’m her favorite, I feel very blessed that I have them…
Post # 11
is_a_belle: thanks for UR Advice! I would love if u could pass that airline information to me! That would be very helpful. U can always PM me When u find out! 😄
Post # 12
delphinia: and wow a double transplant, how amazing. what a wonderful gift ☺️ My FIs mother donated her kidney to my FIs father, her husband, almost 5 years ago on Valentine’s day. She is truly selfless and an inspriation… I hope you are doing well and are healthy… And thank you for the advice about dialysis centers. I will pass the info along to my grandpa
Post # 13
Cheekie0077: oh sweetie… I’m so sorry. I wish I had advice that would make you feel better, but your story evoked memories of when my beloved grandparents moved away to Florida and OMG, I sobbed like a child the last day at their house, the house where we had Christmas with all of my cousins, etc.
plus you are dealing with the heart break of your sister and mom’s illnesses, and the rage of the selfishness those illnesses inflict on others who need them.
Boy, I can relate to those feelings. So here’s a big e-hug, and ears for listening if you need to talk (pm). I hope you can enjoy this holiday with them, focus on the joy of having such wonderful grandparents and try not to think of things you can’t change right now. Just make memories.
Post # 14
BalletParker: thanks for always understanding. UR post made me tear up. That’s exactly how I’m feeling about them leaving. I KNOW in my heart it’s the best thing but I’m also heartbroken. the move is inevitable and I have to accept it but it still hurts. thanks for offering me to PM u. I might take u up on UR offer. It’s nice to hear from someone who had been through something similar… Have a wonderful thanksgiving ☺️
Post # 15
Cheekie0077: I don’t have any words of advice, but I just want to let you know I am sorry you are going through this and I hope that you are really able to treasure the holidays with your grandparents before they move. I also wish you continued strength as you continue to work through the combination of sadness and irritation that your mother and sister have created for you. *hug*