Post # 1
Fiance has a very large family, extended and immediate. I think they are very nice and they made me feel very welcomed. Last week, Future Mother-In-Law and Future Father-In-Law followed me to work to see the locations for the ceremony and the little reception afterwards, both being held at the college where I teach.
At ther last moment, Future Mother-In-Law asked if she could ride with me and have Dad follow us in their car and of course I said OK although I was a bit confused. As the car got started, Future Mother-In-Law said there was something she wanted tom talk to me about. I jokingly said what I do wrong now and was surprised when she said Wellllllll…..
Apparently there has been complaints from FI’s SILs (his brothers’ wives) that I don’t talk to them enough and that they think I don’t like them. WTF? I only see these people at family gatherings and I thought myself very pleasant, you know, hi, how are you? How’s it going? How’s the kids, pass the peas, the usual stuff. I was completely shocked when Future Mother-In-Law told me this and that these people actually COMPLAINED TO HER ABOUT IT. Now these are not young adults but women in their 40s.
None of these SILs have shown any indication that they wanted to get to know me better, I have never been invited to her homes. And frankly, this summer has been nuts – between renovating FI’s house for sale, helping him move in, wedding planning and working full-time, I haven’t had time to even socialize with my friends. So to say I was shocked when Future Mother-In-Law told me this is an understatement. I think I mumbled something that I was unaware there was a problem and that I would try harder to me more social. And that was the end of that conversation. The rest of the trip went well.
What burns me is that apparently these women could not express this to me or even Fiance but decided to bother my 70 year old Future Mother-In-Law about it. Personally I think that was so juvenile!
I was telling my Boyfriend or Best Friend about this situation and she could only laugh. I honestly liked this people and thought all was well. Oh as I told my Boyfriend or Best Friend – I didn’t have an attitude before, but I do now!
Anyone else blindsided by unexpected family drama?
Post # 3
I think all couples planning weddings are at some point blindsided by family drama! There’s a lot of emotions that come along with weddings. I think its silly your FSILs couldn’t make the effort to get to know you better but had to run your Future Mother-In-Law…but oh well, just keep being nice and I’m sure it will all work out. Is there a huge age difference between you and your FSILs?
Post # 4
To answer your question: yes. 🙁
Future Mother-In-Law complained to my parents and her son (my love) that I must not like her anymore because I don’t call her very much. GIMME A BREAK! I work at a school and it is incredibly busy from May (graduation) through August (back to school)! In addition, I have my own obligations that I try to juggle and on the weekends, when I do have free time, I like to be able to just RELAX and do nothing. No agenda! 🙂 AHHH! Just thinking about her tell everyone, “well, I guess she just doesn’t like me anymore,” with that sad face and ‘feel sorry for me’ attitude drives me crazy! She called yesterday evening and this morning; I’m hanging out with her this afternoon. LOL Good grief!
Post # 5
Well, to be devil’s advocate, are you sure the SIL’s are really the villains here? Just based on what you wrote, what if they just made a breezy comment, that you didn’t talk much, or were a little shy? Perhaps they were coaxed by Future Mother-In-Law. Maybe she was being nosy to see what they thought of you, and what y’all talked about. And it came out that not much was talked about. What if they shared that they wondered if you didn’t like them because you all didn’t say much, but weren’t exactly, b****ing behind your back?
Are you somehwat shy? Was it intimidating to just meet all these people at once? Unfortunately, sometimes people who are shy come across as standoffish. And it sucks that they are all nice and settled in this family, and you are the newcomer. Maybe they have their club, and perhaps are not giving you an opportunity to get worked in. (And probably it wasn’t as difficult to find a place to fit in when they joined in, because there were probably 1 (or no) SILs in the club at that point.
I think what sucks the most, is actually that Future Mother-In-Law addressed this with you. Couldn’t she have just said to them to cut you some slack, or to make more of an effort to be the ones to invite YOU in, since they are comfortable in the family? (I mean when someone new moves into the neighborhood, the “old” neighbors are the ones who bring a plate of cookies. The newbies don’t go around gifting all the veteran neighbors with a bottle of wine.) What good can come from her telling you they think you’re an ice princess? Boy that will make you feel comfortable at the next family gathering. Warm fuzzies to just run right up to the SILs and talk to them.
I guess that’s why I wonder if Future Mother-In-Law has more of a hand in this than she let on. Is she typically nosy, or a drama queen? If she really wanted to be helpful, I just don’t think she handled it well.
Post # 6
try not to let it bother you Blue – im that person too. i never visit (FIL & Mother-In-Law live in the house behind us btw & everyone else live within 5miles of us), never go out of my way to talk to them, never tell them whats going on ect. my Mother-In-Law was talking to my mother once and said “she never tells me anything” and my mother responded ‘she never tells me anything!” . heeheh, once we were in tahiti and i was in the poop because i didnt tell her we were going away and last week i was in the poop as hubby went to Fiji for a week and i didnt visit her to say that everything was alright with hime
i figured i just dont have anything to say to them, im polite and respectful but we have nothing in common so i dont waste my time chatting about useless stuff when i have other things i should be doing
let it go – maybe its a good thing she felt comfortable enough to be able to speak to you so thats a good thing
Post # 7
I am going to play devil’s advocate for a minute, and side with your future SILs. Some families – it isn’t right, but they do it – are very tight and are hesitant to let new people in. If these SILs are in their 40’s, chances are (and I may be wrong) that they’ve known your fiance for a long time, and care a lot about him. If that’s the case, they may really be looking for you to impress them. And, that combined with your mother in laws possible exaggeration as tanya mentioned, can sound a lot like “they think you hate them”.
I don’t think it would hurt for you to go above and beyond and be extra friendly to them. Maybe they just feel like the small talk you’ve been making is not enough, or they feel like they don’t know you very well, or maybe they really feel like you don’t like them – one person’s friendly conversation can seem standoffish to others. Maybe they thought they’d be more involved in your wedding planning. Or maybe, since your Future Mother-In-Law approached you about this, you can say to them, something along the lines of I really enjoy spending time with you and would love to get to know you better, let’s all have lunch/dinner/whatever sometime before the wedding.
Post # 9
Well beats me as to what is really going on and at this point, I don’t care. They certainly have not offered to help with ANYTHING and I’m not talking just wedding either. I have REAL problems to worry about! I still think the whole thing is bizarre.
Post # 10
To be honest, it doesn’t really sound like the future in-laws have done anything wrong. It sounds like they are a nice, tight-knit family. You do have to realize, these people are going to be your family. That is very important and contact shouldn’t be reserved only for family get-togethers. You don’t have to be all up in their business (or expect them to be in yours), but you should be pleasant and welcoming. Everyone has very busy lives. It only takes a few minutes to put out a call or an email to say hello. It means a lot. I’m sure a lot of people out there wish they had in-laws that cared that much!
Post # 11
I’m gonna side somewhere in the middle. Yes, it was uncomfortable for Future Mother-In-Law to tell you those things, but it may just let you in on a bit more about family dynamics. Close knit families expect you to be a part of things more than families that only get together at special events. You gotta look at family expectations (of his and your families) and do your best to meet them to some extent – obviously not extreme, but if its a closer relationship they’d like to see, I guess it couldn’t hurt to make a lil more effort to be in touch. Perhaps include them in some special ceremony or something related to the wedding, invite them over when you get a chance just to have “tea with the ladies”… something somewhat intimate. If you feel like you need backup, have your best friend there with you. I do believe they should reach out too though. Perhaps they’re waiting to see what you’ll do. FMIL- who knows, maybe she is stirring up drama or maybe she just wants everyone to be tight and didn’t realize how her words could put you off. They can be crazy at times ; )
Post # 12
That doesn’t seem like too much drama to me, I would take that as a compliment that they would like to get to know you better and welcome you into the family. It might have been kind of random, but I think you should take is as quirky and feel loved instead of feeling like they are behind your back or something. That’s just my take on it.
Post # 13
I’m always shocked by the fact that people, no matter the age, don’t just say what they want to say, to whomever they need to say it to. Sigh. I believe that if they really cared, then they would have broached the subject with you or your Fiance directly. Going to a third party, even if it is an intermediary party, is pretty juvenile and just stirs the pot.