Very stressed out about wedding. Thinking of calling it quits.

posted 2 months ago in Ceremony
Post # 46
Member
1608 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Please do not marry this man. There are a huge amount of red flags – controlling, manipulative, does not stay true to his word. Honestly the list goes on. 

he should be excited to marry you, instead he is acting like he is doing you a favor and ashamed to marry you. He doesn’t want to celebrate it. He doesn’t even seem to want people to know. My husband had pretty bad nerves about being the center of attention and not once did he want to compromise on having a big wedding and celebration. It should not be this hard bee. 

Post # 47
Member
471 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

It’s not a judgment to prefer to live a different way than someone else, but it is a mistake to try to force two groups of people whose lifestyle preferences aren’t compatible to try to change this way. Your desires are reasonable, and you should be able to have what you want, but you have to remember that once you choose to be with this person forever, they get half the say in how you build your life together. The reality is that you want different lives. The goal with dating isn’t just to get SOMEone, it’s to get the right one, and this guy just isn’t it.

Also, threatening to hold something he agreed to in order to keep you around over your head is hugely manipulative and he’s not ready to be anybody’s husband if he thinks that’s okay.

Post # 48
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I always thought that bees are judging too fast, but not on this case! Not only he didn’t want to do anything to make you happy on your wedding day, he threathen you!!!!

It’s not too late, please go now.

Post # 49
Member
807 posts
Busy bee

Dear OP, with every update you post, I am more and more worried for you.  PLEASE get out of this relationship while you still can.

“He said if my parents or relatives do anything that make him uncomfortable, embarrass him or make him uneasy, he’s gonna walk off and cancel the wedding. He said if he really does that, my parents and I are embarrassing ourselves because we were the one that asked him to come.”

So if one of your relatives does anything that he doesn’t like he is going to a) publicly humiliate you and your family and b) cancel the wedding.  And not only that, but it is going to be your fault that he treats you appallingly.  Classic abusive behaviour – make the victim think that she is responsible for her own ill treatment.

I tried to break up with him before for his controlling behaviors and bad attitudes. He said he will change and not be like this ever again. He has been changing and treats me nice.. I can see that he tries to do things to make me happy and not get mad at me so easily.” 

So when he realised that he’d gone too far, he covered up his controlling behaviour to reel you back in.  Because he knows every time this happens, and he is successful in winning you back, it will be harder for you to leave the next time.  Eventually, you won’t try to leave at all, and that’s when it will get really bad.  Because then, he will know he can do whatever he likes to you and you will just take it.

And by the way, if he has to ‘try’ not to get mad at you so easily, that’s another huge area for concern.  Annoying each other occasionally is one thing – getting mad at your OH ‘easily’ is quite another.

He hasn’t changed at all.  He is just ‘acting’ change to keep you under his control.

Please, please get out of this.  You deserve a man who will love you, not threaten you.  A man who will be excited to marry you, not one who will hold the threat of a cancelled wedding over you to make you ‘behave’.  A man who will look forward to meeting your family because they are your family, even if he is going to feel a bit awkward or shy meeting new people.  A man who doesn’t have to ‘try’ to be good to you – because he just is.  A man you will be excited and joyful about marrying. 

There are men out there who will love you as you deserve to be loved.  And even if it takes a while to find one, remember that it’s far better to be single and wishing you were married than married and wishing you were single… 

Post # 50
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Please leave. There’s clearly a reason he and his parents don’t want to meet your family. Major red flags everywhere in what you’re describing. Walk away. Change your number. Don’t even talk to him anymore because he sounds like the type of guy who will worm his way back in. 

Post # 51
Member
58 posts
Worker bee

reading this made me so sad for you. Please dont commit yourself to lifetime of emotional abuse by this person

Post # 52
Member
7807 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
@dchieu21:  He said if my parents or relatives do anything that make him uncomfortable, embarrass him or make him uneasy, he’s gonna walk off and cancel the wedding…and leave…

This is NOT how love works, Bee. This is not how a successful relationship that will lead to a happy marriage works. He is an angry, controlling man who does not care one bit for your happiness. Please do not tie your life to someone like this, it will only lead to misery. 

Post # 53
Member
1964 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I think we might be overwhelming OP with our firm belief in this relationship ending for the better. OP, if you’re overwhelmed, I’m sorry. However, I too will add to the resounding choir of people here telling you to get out. This man is a narcissist to the fourth degree, and won’t ever change, because narcs never do. 

Please, please please. Run.

Post # 54
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

Granted, I don’t know your customs when it come to you, your fiancé or your families, but just don’t. Him and his family are already trying to control you while you parents are standing back and trying to accompany his wishes to the detriment of their own. My hairdresser is Vietnamese. She married for her and her husband’s family’s wishes. She is miserable. They have two beautiful daughters that know their parents are together because of customs. The oldest, just barely a teenager, has told her mommy that she will never have a marriage like her parents. She will marry for love, not out of obligation. A marriage is so much give and take. It sounds like all this man wants to do it take. Take you for granted, take you wedding dreams for granted, take his future family for granted. You said earlier you are marrying him, not his family. Well we do marry families. Think about how you want your future family to be before you take this man as your husband. 

Post # 55
Member
575 posts
Busy bee

Boy bye. This man doesn’t deserve you. This man is controlling and sounds gaslighty and you deserve so much more than this. 

Post # 56
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2020

 Sorry to say this but please find someone willing and happy to make you happy. You have been more than accommodating and he is still finding issues. Not to mention that he is putting all the pressure on you and blaming you for anything that might go wrong.  It should not be like this.  It’s OK that a couple has different views but we should find a way to talk respectfully,  compromise, both ppl should work together,  he should not be stressing you out.  Find someone else or you’ll regret it. This kind of relationship does not work.  You deserve better ♥  your willing to do so much for him,  yet what is he willing to do for you? If he can’t make small sacrifices for 1 day, what will the rest of your days look like? Think about it. True colors show when times get tough and I’m not liking his, it’s your call but please think about it.  

Post # 57
Member
379 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2017

Bee, please din’t marry this guy..he sounds like my narcissistic ex husband…

He did the same to me about our wedding, we didn’t last 3 years married…those were 3 very difficult years for me…I was always walking on eggshells and afraid of what cwas going to make him mad at me next time…I lived in constant anxiety.

 

My divorce was awful and working in re building my life and self-confidence has been a struggle…but I am so happy I left. 

A TON of people asked me not to marry him because of his controlling behavior, and I didnt listen…please listen 🙏🏻💕

 

If you need a friend you can contact me through dm

Post # 58
Member
16 posts
Newbee

Forget the whole ceremony for a just 1 moment and imagine day to day life over an extended period of time/years. 

I realize the fun stuff is important too. and traditional ceremonial stuff is fun stuff, but the isolated event of a ceremony actually is not that important in the grand scheme of things.

does he compromise on what REALLY matters? Do you agree on core values like religion, politics, raising children, finances, togetherness time? Are you fighting painfully and regularly or is this just a rarity?

 

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