(Closed) Very torn about eloping vs. the big family wedding. Advice?

posted 7 years ago in Elopement
  • poll: You should...
    Elope in secret! : (3 votes)
    3 %
    Elope but tell the family what you're doing. : (24 votes)
    28 %
    Elope and have a big celebration party when you get back. : (41 votes)
    47 %
    Have the traditional wedding : (19 votes)
    22 %
  • Post # 32
    Member
    2117 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    @musician32992:  In that case, I think the cards would be a really cute idea. I mean, to schedule a little party it would be nice to give people some notice anyway, right?

     

    Post # 33
    Member
    497 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    I don’t think that you should elope. I haven’t ever heard someone that eloped that did not regret it years later. There are some serious ways to cut costs in wedding planning. It will be hard but worth it in the end. You could get married at a local park and have a reception at a cool indoor/outdoor restaurant. You could get married on a weekday during lunch and have a brunch reception. There are so many options. You could limit it to family. Don’t worry about hurt feelings, the reality is that you can’t afford it. But, you should be surrounded by family on a special day.

    Post # 34
    Member
    2117 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    @sienna76:  Wow I just looked at your recap. This is one of the most beautiful ceremonies I have ever seen. You had a stunning location and you looked gorgeous. And the moment you had on the mountain top is unforgettable.

    I’m basically soaked in wedding regrets at this point now. 

    Post # 36
    Member
    6117 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    @mylittleviolett:  First of all, thank you for the kind words about our elopement!  It was a very heartbreaking journey prior to that; my father was dying and we made some very hard decisions.  To have the wedding pan out as wonderfully as it did was something we needed.

    I think most of us have some kind of regret about something with our weddings.  I wasn’t crazy about my gown or my hair.  I regretted having the bust taken in 1/2″ on each side and listening to the seamstresses.  It made the gown so tight I couldn’t even sit down at dinner.  I had to go change out of my gown so I could eat!  That was a bummer.  I wanted to stay in it through dinner at least.  Your gown was stunning by the way and your hair and make up were excellent!

     

    @musician32992:  I agree, you shouldn’t underwhelm yourselves in order to make everyone else happy.  I think you could just sit on your decisions for a while and see how it feels. 

    Or do a small family wedding, make it lovely, or even take them all to a nice restaurant so you don’t have to worry about dancing, then honeymoon in Vienna and do a photoshoot with your gown!

    Post # 37
    Member
    137 posts
    Blushing bee

    I get where you’re coming from and I can identify.  Personally, I love a good party and dressing up, but all the costs just don’t make sense to me, so I’d love to elope – also, it’s a great excuse to travel!  But my mother would be devastated – huge weddings are part of our culture, and she had a bigger wedding than she wanted because she felt that she owed it to her parents.  (Then again, my grandparents paid for her wedding and she only had to foot the bill for her outfits, accessories, hair & makeup.)

    Since the main conflict is that she wants me to have a huge wedding and I want to elope, my compromise is to have a small, 50-people wedding.  SO scoffs at this idea because my family is huge and I have a lot more friends than he does, but I’d really like to keep it at 70 or under. 

    My mom had things to say about that (“Baby, NOOO!  You need to invite [people you don’t know] and [relatives you’ve never met] and [people you haven’t seen in decades]!!!”) but she’s not able/going to help finance my wedding, so I’ve put my foot down – if I’m paying for my own wedding, I’m having a small wedding.  The fact that I’m not eloping is already a lot of consideration for her! :p

    Post # 38
    Member
    2117 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    @sienna76:  Well I’m happy the day went perfectly for you! I had the same problem with my dress, except I didn’t have another dress to change into and just had to not eat dinner until we got to the hotel after the wedding. 

    Thank you for the compliments 🙂

    Post # 39
    Member
    497 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    I’m not sure where you live. But, in NY, we have some truly awesome parks which will cost you a $25 permit. This is far from underwhelming: 5112593226_ed240878fb_z_d.jpg. If having your family there won’t make you happy, then by all means elope. If having family there means anything to you (which it sounds like it does), I was just presenting alternative means to make everyone happy 🙂

    Post # 40
    Member
    200 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2016

    @musician32992:  oh my gosh, I am so glad that you said that!  Being honest about how you get cranky around your family and fall into the shadows?!  That’s me!  Sorry, I don’t mean to thread-jack.  It is just very nice to see other people have to struggle with these things… I think I’m digging a hole for myself here (misery loves company?  I’d prefer to look at it as empathizing and providing support for one another here)… Thank you for saying that, though.  

    I feel like you’re having a tough time trying to please everyone, and we as women put so much pressure on ourselves (with the help of society) about regrets.  I have been dreaming about doing an elopement with a big casual reception later, after the honeymoon.  FI has some nice family members that I’m sure would want to attend, and I have my mom, but them plus our friends would be it for me.  

    Another idea for you is to continue with a destination wedding and invite anyone you would want to be there, knowing other people would be invited and that they would have to pay their own travel expenses, so that they can put on their big girl panties as another bee put it, if they want to go – then it’s their decision for backing out, though they may gripe regardless – oh well.

    Another idea: get married at a city hall near the airport, where people just show up, toast at a nearby restaurant and wish you well, and can send you off and watch you get on your plane to Europe!

    Or, you could skype them in – or, have a second ceremony back home, in your backyard, that is casual, as other bees have mentioned.  I’m going to give you the flip side for a moment, but don’t worry, I tell you all about how I come to my senses in the end.  My second cousin got married last year, and in our family, weddings are big reunions, so naturally, I was expecting an invite.  Imagine my shock and disappointment when I found out that they were having a small, close family-only destination wedding in Hawaii and we weren’t invited!  I had a big-time fit on the inside.  After the weddingmoon, they came back and had a reception a couple of months later, which was an outdoor backyard reception with on-site catering/hot drop and lawn games, and showed a video of photos from the wedding.  

    In my lack of perspective, I was perturbed that they would show pictures of other people having a good time to those who would have liked to be invited, but now the joke’s on me because in my own scroogeness of planning my wedding/marriage to my Fiance, I have now seen that weddings are dang expensive. O.O  And how badly do you want to pay $100+ per person for people that make you grumpy when you should be ecstatically happy?  I have actually suggested eloping to Fiance several times, but he wants family there, so we will likely have a small wedding with a big reception barbecue later.  I actually only want my mom there as part of my family, because some family was weirded out by hearing some personal vows at my other cousin’s wedding.  Haters be uninvited!  Not really, there’s more to it than that, but it is what it is.  Long story short, they make me grumpy.  I don’t think that getting ready to get married alone would be sad, I think it would be adventurous, and shows that you are strong and will do what makes you and your Fiance happy.

    The good news is that in my own family, I saw how not being invited never became an issue, even though my second cousin was the first in the family in as long as I’ve been alive/as far as I know who has had a small wedding.  So, ultimately, people will be happy for you and get over it.  

    Good luck, I can’t wait to see the recaps!  Novel over 😉

    Post # 41
    Member
    933 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I didn’t read every previous post, but why would you be okay with eloping and then having a celebration, but not okay with having a traditional ‘big’ wedding? I guess you feel like people’s expectations of your wedding are going to be too high. Will you have the same fear for your post elopement celebration?

    Post # 42
    Member
    685 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I thought I’d miss out on some of the big wedding stuff when I eloped but at the end of the day I was happy to be with my close family members and my new husband.  I was so done with wedding planning at that point too (after trying to plan a giant wedding we decided to throw all those plans away and elope).  Weddings really do bring out the worst in people.  I don’t regret a thing!

     

    Plus I had a monthlong honeymoon and photos all over Paris!

     

    Post # 43
    Member
    1030 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @musician32992:  I think it sounds like a small destination wedding would be best for you. Screw the fact that your fiance’s step mom and mom can’t be in the same room. It’s your wedding and if they can’t work it out – then they don’t have to be there. 

    If you and your fiance still want to be surrounded by your nearest and dearest and you still want to have your besties getting ready with you in the morning and having some of your childhood wedding dreams fulfilled, I think this would be the best way. 

    Vienna will be gorgeous! And you will already be at your honeymoon destination (yay, saves money!). You can share that destination with those closest to you a few days beforehand and then take off with just your new husband once you are married. 

    Post # 45
    Member
    933 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @musician32992:  I know it’s hard, it’s so hard that I chickened out and didn’t do it, but you can have a fun celebratory wedding with no pomp and circumstance.

    Post # 46
    Member
    3208 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

    @musician32992:  I think you’re underestimating how much you would spend on a post-elopement celebration, unless you’re having it in your backyard amd just telling everyone they could drop by. 

    I also don’t see the point in having a celebration, unless you are taking the people that matter to you most out for a meal to officially announce your marriage, or something to that effect. In essence, you’ll be having a small reception.

    I adore Vienna and lived there briefly. If you want to get married in Vienna because that’s what you want, then go for it! At the same time, if there are family members that would want to see you get married, you have to decide whether eloping is worth their resulting heartbreak/disappointment. A post-nuptuals celebration will not make them feel better.

    I have a short list of people that truly would be heartbroken if they were not present at my wedding. There are only 18 people from both of our family/friends that would follow us across the world if it meant they’d see us get married, so we’re hoping to not subject them to that hardship and just have a very small (VERY luxurious!) wedding at home. The guilt I’d feel knowing they would be disappointed if we eloped to Santorini, or if they couldn’t make it to a destination wedding there, makes it worthwhile to have a very small intimate wedding locally. 

    The topic ‘Very torn about eloping vs. the big family wedding. Advice?’ is closed to new replies.

    Find Amazing Vendors