(Closed) Very torn about eloping vs. the big family wedding. Advice?

posted 7 years ago in Elopement
  • poll: You should...
    Elope in secret! : (3 votes)
    3 %
    Elope but tell the family what you're doing. : (24 votes)
    28 %
    Elope and have a big celebration party when you get back. : (41 votes)
    47 %
    Have the traditional wedding : (19 votes)
    22 %
  • Post # 47
    Member
    604 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    @musician32992:  Have you made a decision?!?

    Fiance and I thought about eloping but it was really just out of frustration, not because it’s what we wanted.

    We’re having a smallish (under 100ppl) afternoon wedding to help cut down on costs. We have no interest in depleting all of our savings or going into debt for what’s essentially a party. But we did want to mark our marriage by doing something really special and thought it would probably be our only opportunity to get all of our close family and friends in the same room! 

    It seems like your grandmother is a big concern. Could you have a small wedding at home so that she can be a part of it.  It could be simple, just a ceremony and dinner for your nearest and dearest.  Then, go off to Vienna for an epic honeymoon?!?

    Cutting the guest list was one of the hardest things we did in planning but it was necessary.  I think/hope our friends, family and coworkers will understand.

    Post # 51
    Member
    933 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @musician32992:  I totally understand wanting your wedding to be luxurious. It sounds like you’re less torn now!

    Post # 53
    Member
    1246 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    Yay! Just read to the end of this thread and I am so glad you decided on Vienna. Seriously, just elope already. 🙂

    If I’m learning anything while planning my own wedding, it’s to not let the perfect become the enemy of the good. If you and your guy will be happy in Vienna, with no financial stress/religious compromises and only a twinge of regret at not having that “perfect” day with your family (which, based on your description of your family, sounds like it would be pretty far from perfect in reality), then that sounds like a pretty unbeatable bargain to me. And I like the idea of a rented beach house after-party, sounds fun! Also totally optional, so bear that in mind if the family drama ratchets back up.

    As far as your grandmother goes, I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but some people will just never be happy. She made her life choices, and now it’s your turn — she doesn’t get to saddle you with guilt about not choosing what she would have chosen. The fact that you and your fiance are doing what best reflects your shared values (and finances) doesn’t mean you love your families any less.

    Post # 54
    Member
    794 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2015 - Backyard Forest

    I feel like I’m in the same place as you. I cannot believe how much weddings cost and I don’t want to regret doing the whole wedding. I also know that I will regret NOT having a wedding – so we’re on the have one side of things.

    If your family cannot help at all, and you really cannot afford it, don’t have one. You can always have a ceremony in 10 years and renew your vows. 

    Post # 55
    Member
    12651 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    I  feel badly for  your grandmother.  I think it’s sad that you say F her or anyone else who does not buy into  the idea that no one and nothing  else matters.  It’s one thing if there is no one who cares, but to me, weddings are very much about the joining together of two families and having the people who deserve to be there witness that special moment you become husband and wife.  That would be worth so much more to me  than a venue , especially  when  the  trip to Vienna can still be every bit your  incredible honeymoon and you can still have the same exact casual reception. 

    It seems to me you are stuck on this idea of an  all or nothing fantasy ceremony,  a 50k wedding reception  or nothing at all in between.   But you don’t have to include aunts and uncles and cousins at the ceremony.  Your mother and step- mother don’t need to get over their feelings toward one another, they just need to be civil.  The reception does not need to cost 50K. 

    Maybe there’s a compromise in here somewhere. 

    Post # 57
    Member
    12651 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    @musician32992:   Look, I’m not saying eloping is never appropriate.  There are times when it  really is.  It’s just that here you have people who love and care for you, to whom being present for your  vows really matters.  

    Post # 58
    Member
    1246 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    @weddingmaven:  Yes, and those people to whom it really matters are doing their best to emotionally extort her and/or make decisions about how she should be spending her money while not contributing any of their own. I don’t think this is a circumstance where she will be able to make those people happy. As she said above, even if she did have a big family wedding, there might be friction over the guest list, or the religious tone of the ceremony, or any number of other decisions. Does she cave on all of those points of contention too because it “really matters” to her family?

    My reading of the situation is that it’s not about saying “F them if they think they matter more than my day,” it’s about not bending over backwards for people who are not willing to behave in a supportive way.

    Post # 59
    Member
    436 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    @musician32992:  We are doing an immediate family and best friends only intimate wedding+dinner at a restaurant (35 guests including us) and then we’re throwing a huge BBQ a few months later for ALL our family and friends.  I’m really looking forward to the BBQ.  It’s going to be a great party.  Maybe that would be a compromise?

    Post # 61
    Member
    1246 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    @musician32992:  You’re welcome! For the record I am a big believer in the idea that a wedding day is NOT an “all about me/us” affair. Of course it’s also about family, and generally family members deserve to have their feelings taken into account whether or not they’re contributing financially. 

    But I also have an allergic reaction to weddings that get hijacked by what other people/an industry supposedly wants for you, irrespective of what you may actually want, believe, or be able to afford. At its simplest, it only needs to involve a marriage license fee, a trip to the courthouse, and two people who want to make a life together. Everything else is optional.

    We seriously considered the courthouse approach or an elopement, but ultimately decided on a small, low-key wedding because (a) our families are pretty easy to please, and (b) our ideal wedding is simple enough that we could have afforded it even without their financial help, but they wanted to help anyway and have been helping in a no-strings-attached manner. We are extremely lucky in that sense. If any of that had been different, we would have done the courthouse thing in a heartbeat. I think that’s why your situation resonates so much with me. Wishing you the best of luck!

    The topic ‘Very torn about eloping vs. the big family wedding. Advice?’ is closed to new replies.

    Find Amazing Vendors