Post # 1
I am very new to this and this is my first post and so I need your help. I have been with my partner for 3 years and engaged. I think 3 years is enough to know what you are getting yourself into. I love him with all my heart, he looks after me well and always tries to protect me from getting myself into bad situations and trouble.
There are a few things that bother me about him but you are supposed to love your partner warts and all especially if you are considering commitment such a marriage. There has been an ongoing issue which is affecting me big time.
My partner constantly accuses me of giving him weird looks. I know I dont, i know my body well enough to know what its doing, but that answer doesnt settle with him. He thinks i’m not attracted to him which is why I give him weird looks. Aparently I am the only one to do it to him. Because of this, he becomes very distant with me and it really bothers me because I am baisically being punnished for something I am not doing. How can I fix something I am not doing? I am very attracted to him and always have been but he doesnt believe me!!!
I dont want to enter a marriage where out of the blue he doesnt want to be near me because my body is aparently doing something I am unaware of. What do I do? Please dont tell me to end it just like that because it would be very hard and there are alot of good things about him. what can i do? what can he do? he always insists its me but not him and its stressing the crap out of me and making me really uncomfortable.
I cant talk to my mum about it coz she will flip as the engagement is official, and talking to him about it doesnt make the issue better as he doesnt understand and wont understand and we have been here before so many times!!!.
please help me. any answers, suggestions, advice, anything would be appreciated. thank you.
Post # 3
It sounds like your Fiance struggles with some insecurity issues.
It sounds like you guys are having trouble communicating about this, so I would recommend perhaps going to some sort of counseling. It might also be beneficial for him to go to some counseling on his own to work through his insecurity problems.
It’s very difficult to love someone and be in a relationship with them when they struggle to love themselves.
Post # 4
@rachelmichelle: Thanks for your reply. I know its insecurity but he doesnt want to accept it. he doesnt believe in counselling so that is out of the option. Is there something I could do? I dont want to lose this, like I will do anything to make it work!
Post # 5
@shimo93: If you are really this unhappy with the relationship, he should at least be willing to try couples counseling with you.
Whether or not counseling is something that *he* thinks is beneficial, it’s something that would clearly be important to you. Relationships are about compromise and working together, and he needs to be willing to do that so that the two of your can work through this.
Post # 6
I know someone who used to always accuse her husband of making this face that made her feel like she was an idiot when he looked at her like that. She found it very annoying — until their first baby was born, and this newborn child often made the same expression! It was a great vindication for her husband. I, too, think counseling is needed, since this is not going to go away on its own. In all honesty, the thing that concerns me the most of all you have written is the fact that your Fiance doesn’t believe in counseling. That, in and of itself, is cause for some concern.
Post # 7
@shimo93: I agree. It can be very difficult and frustrating to love a partner that doesn’t seem to love themselves or has big insecurity issues. But if they are worth it, you just try try and try again. Make a huge effort to flatter him. Sometimes he may act weird and get upset, then take a step back, reassure him that he’s wrong and you love him and then leave him to work through it. This is what I do with my (amazing, seriously inside and out) SO.
Post # 8
Just wanted to say that I actually DO give weird looks without knowing. I had a teacher tell me she didn’t appreciate it, I had NO idea what she was talking about and when I said that, 3 or 4 friends all said i’ve done it as long as they’d known me! Not saying you do, but it’s possible to do it without knowing.
From what I read, it sounds like you have a good relationship apart from this issue. Have you tried talking to him, while this is not going on? If you’ve explained to him that you either do not or are not aware of looking at him differently while you’re both calm, and he still continues, i’d absolutely put it down to insecurities with his body. This is an issue he has to work on, the only thing you can really do is support him through it. If he’s unhappy with his body and as a result is behaving like this then he does need to work on it, but I don’t see it as something that can’t be fixed.
If you want to see a therapist, he should be supportive of that, even if he doesn’t believe in them you do, so he should respect and support your attempts to solve this situation.
Post # 9
@Brielle: yeah it might just be my face, maybe i will pass it down to my kids, who knows but thankyou for your kind words 🙂 he just is the kind of person that doesn’t think other people can help in that way, I also think its to do with culture why he look at councelling in that way. but i will bring up counselling with him again 🙂
@ParisM:Your reply has made me feel a whole lot better because he really is an amazing guy, and everyone does come with flaws but I would rather keep going at this than give it up. I will try out your advice 🙂
Post # 10
@Lovemelovemyhorses: Great reply, he does have insecurities but he wont admit them, maybe because he might feel weak, I dont know, but you’re right, I will have a talk with him about it, maybe i do give them without realising. I apreciate your helpful advice 🙂
Post # 11
If he absolutely won’t go for counselling then maybe you can go alone and learn how to communicate better with him? From your post it seems you really love this man so if Mohammed won’t go to the mountain…also, he might see how counselling is bettering your relationship so maybe that’ll encourage him to participate in it? Just a thought.
Post # 12
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
I’m a teacher and can vouch for the idea that some people give “dirty” weird looks when they’re being pensive. One girl did it so much, and I took it personally.. then I realized it’s just how she is!
Still, Fiance sounds way insecure.
Post # 13
:-/ I think you should talk to him again, when you guys are both in a good mood, and tell him that you honestly don’t know what looks he’s talking about. Hand him a cheapo disposable camera and have him put it in an accessable place in your home. Tell him that from now on, if he sees you giving him weird looks, instead of gettin upset all by himself, he should try to get some photographic evidence (like you’re the lock ness monster or big foot)
You’ll know when he thinks you’re doing this, he’ll have something lighthearted to distract him from it, and when the camera is full, you can drop it off to get the pictures developed and have a laugh over it.
Post # 14
ps- not at all to undermine your feelings, your fi’s, or how serious this issue is to you, but this makes me think of an episode of Friends. 🙂