Post # 1
My ex fiance and I got engaged at the end of May and things where going great! Or so I thought. We started looking at venues and getting different ideas for things for the wedding and even decided to do it next June. He did say he would rather a two year engagement but I pushed for next year. We went to photographer, and he called with his cc to give deposit. Had an engagment shoot date set up. My mom put the deposit on hall and I even found my dress. It was very fast bc everything was done inlike two -three weeks, I just wantedt o get it over with. From day one when we met he told me I was the one and I should have been his first wife and the mother of his kids (he was married almost 7 yrs and has two little boys), )he went through a bad divorce which was finalized last summer and still fighting custody with his ex). We always talked about marriage and having kids ourselves. So we finally decided back in feb to look at engagement ring settings (we’ve been dating a year and a half). He got the setting and then he realized he couldn’t afford a stone so I found a beautiful moissanite and told him about it. We did order that and he took care of the rest such as the setting of the stone. I told him that I would like to be engaged before I got out of school so my class could see it bc my students mean so much and I wanted to share it with them. I told him I didn’t want it in June bc that was when he asked his first. So I kinda said a specific date that would be nice that has a significance in our relationship. So he wound up doing it and had his oldest son who is 5 record asking me to marry his daddy, it was at a restaurant which I know he didnt want to do he always wanted to take me away if he was to propose. But it was very special. We were both so excited, then I started planning right away…we got into a fight a little fight on fathers day when we were out with his parents and children, I had said that he is ___ years old why do you have to tell yor mommy about every arguement we have, he said that i disrespected him in front of his kids andi was very rude. but that night wound up being okay and we had a good night. The next day he wound up ordering our unity candle his mom was going to give us for our engagement party that we were going to have in august. but later that night we got on the subject of the day before and started to argue, I do have a tendency to interupt him when we are argueing and he hates that. I wound up taking my ring off bc it was snagging the couch and when we were argueing he came and took and said”this is all you wanted, just a ring” and no that was not the case. next day he comes into the room and says here i shouldn’t have took this and has my ring and i put my finger out and he said no im not taking yo back im giving you back a gift, i said this is a symbol its not a gift, then he said how he was calling the photographer and cancelling, now at this point I def did not want the ring back! He said its over he doesn’t like the person I became our last arguement he told me I have to stop bein disrepectful and I really am not I just interrupt him (mind you he is overly sensitive). So that night I slept at my grandmothers, we do live together but just rent. I wound up calling him in middle of night crying and he said he loves me and we would talk later well later we tried talking wound up cooking dinner playing some games and making love. The next morning he would not wear the watch i bought him he said it’s too much of a commitment right now…i was very upset. I thought things where going to be better. Than the next day I was going to my friends rehearsal dinner he was supposed to come with me and he wound up not being able to bc he had a lot of work to do whuch was true. When he got home from work I was about to leave and at this point i did not cancel anything bc i fig i would blow over. As i was leaving he said oh did you tell your mom what happened i said no bc i feel that in your heart this is not what yo want he said well she’s going to loose her deposit(now this was just another point that he really wanted this called off) he also said i am no longer in love with you bc of the person you became I went outside hysterical crying and wound up calling everything off. That night i didnt text or call him but he texts me how he is listening to a specific song and it reminds him of us(mind you its a song about missing you and being a fool) so i dnt answer than he asked if i was sleeping at home tha tnight and i said no i am too hurt i cant sleep there anymore, so i responded “how can you propose to me than 3 weeks later tell me your not in love with me” he said he still is just not the person i became. I slept at my grabdmothers again that night he did tet me how he misses me. The next day was his day for the kids and i wanted to see them but did not go home , he’s giving me all these mixed signals an di just didnt know what to do. he winds up texting me and do go over that night and he says how they all missed me, etc. That night we talk an d he said he loves me but he felt pressured into asking me to marry him he felt that he was emasculated bc i basically set up proposal, day and everything . He said when /if he asks me again he wants it on his terms and wants that excitement factor involved. He said that I dismissed the fact that he wanted to wait a lil longer to be engaged but he did it to make me happy bc he didnt want to loose me and then I was rushing everything and I dismissed the fact he wanted a two year engament. he said he felt trapped and suffocated. We are still dating and living together and he said he wants to just start over and be at the place we were in the past. Meanwhile I am hurt and still getting congratulations on your engagment cards in the mail, I am embarrseed to have to tell people he called it off. When i asked if he cancelled unity candle he said it already shipped and we can always change the date on it and its the last one and he know s I loved that one. I also said im not returning my engagment dress bc i love i and he was like no you sholdnt, then i had all the wedding books and planner and i said should i throw this out and he said no…im just so hurt, confused and need advice. How long do i wait for him to ask again? Am i wasting my time? If he really loved wouldn’t he just give ring back and postpone wedding? Please help…sorry so long.
Post # 3
That was difficult to read because of the one big paragraph..but I go through it. It soulds to me like he isn’t ready to jump into another marraige. He wanted a two-year engagement because he thought that in two years he would be ready and he wanted to make you happy by proposing. When everything got fast tracked he freaked. He’s not ready for what you want.
I think that you should be very clear with him that you are willing to postpone the wedding to a date that makes him comfortable but I think he’s spooked and doesn’t want to be engaged right now and I don’t know if he’ll ever be ready for that level of commitment again. Since his divorce from his ex was ugly be may be scared to put that level of trust in somebody again.
Good luck and be strong. You get a say in how your life goes. If you think he’s jerking you around then you should take control and leave. It’s your life.
Post # 4
@faith0126: He is right. You are going about this in the wrong wrong way. He has been there and done that…..LISTEN to him! It seems your engagement was more about you getting attention rather than getting married since you wanted to get engaged at a certain time so kids could see it….really…come on! You have only been together a year and a half, that is not very long. He obviously recognizes that and wants to wait but you dont care. You are going about this engagement in the wrong way. You should have just enjoyed the first few months of being engaged without the added stress of a wedding. If he stays with you, you need to chill.
Post # 5
I agree with PPs. You ARE rushing and pressuring him. You need to chill and slow things down. Sure he proposed but when reality set in for him this is really happening, he freaked out. Consider his feelings. It sounds like he loves you and wants to marry you ONE DAY but not rite now. Also, don’t start an arguement in front of his parents and kids. Keep arguements inside the home. Sounds like you want the wedding more than the marraige. Work on slowing things down and strengthening your relationship before jumping into wedding plans.
Post # 6
@faith0126: I read through the entire first part of your post and all I could keep thinking is this is so much about you, and very little about him. You wanted to control EVERYTHING. You wanted to get married this time even though he wanted to do this, so you pushed him for his. You wanted this and all he could do is go along with it. The only compromise I read is where he went along with what you wanted. I have to agree with @jesssamesssa when she says that it appears that this was more about you getting attention. I understand that as a teacher your kids grow on you and they become important, but honestly? It’s this year’s kids and next year it’ll be another set of kids and then another and the chances are nil that any of these children are so important that you’d be inviting them to your wedding, so that honestly sounds like an excuse. Maybe it was more like you wanted to be able to show all your coworkers because kids don’t care about weddings. Not like that.
I hate to say it, but I think he made a good call on this one. You’re not ready to listen to him and until it’s no longer all about you,, he needs to stay away.
Post # 7
It sounds like he was pushed into the comittment you wanted on your timeline…
Post # 8
I got the same impression as PP. It seems like every aspect of your proposal and timeline was dictated by you, and I think it freaked him out. I don’t know what you should do at this point. He doesn’t sound like he wants to split up, but he does sound like he wants to put the brakes on.
Post # 9
@vmec: this. Number one reason why I disagree with giving someone a timeline. If and when they want to do it, they will.
Post # 10
I think he made the right call. Stop pressuring him. He’s probably already gunshy from his first failed marriage. It takes time to really get over something like that.
Post # 11
I think you need to focus on the relationship and not on the wedding stuff. Don’t be asking about whether you should throw out wedding magazines. That is such silly stuff. I would stop interrupting him when he is talking. I find that to be such an obnoxious, disrespectful habit. You are emasculating him in every way, including the way you communicate.
Post # 12
@faith0126: i agree with your ex fi. it sounds like you did control the entire engagement. he wanted a longer engagement, did you listen to him. no.
he has already been married and is still going through battles with his ex wife. he probably doesn’t want to start a new life with all of this over his head still. have you even considered his feelings? allow him the time to gain proper closure from that, mentally and emotionally. it’s very draining, trust me. he doesn’t need the added pressure.
he made the right call. if he’s worth it to you, you will wait until he is ready.
Post # 13
Boy, I struggled reading through your post! Anyway, if you really love him, you would give him time to come around and do the whole thing on his own. Like previous posters mentioned, he has been through marriage and divorce and he needs time to come to terms with his feelings. Just give him time and don’t be suffocating. You got engaged a month ago and already have a bunch of wedding-related things done. That is too fast for him! Take his feelings into consideration and act according to his wishes too!
Post # 14
@faith0126: i also agree with PP. he clearly loves you, but you are def pushing it on him and not thinking enough about his needs and his fears. you need to take a step back. from your post it seems you are a tiny bit aggressive concerning the whole marraige/wedding thing. you love him, but you clearly have your own agenda and he’s trying to stay afloat in your universe. he proposed to you and suddenly EVERYTHING was being decided in 2 weeks. that’s very overwhelming and a lot for a man to handle all at once.
the need to be married, engaged, having babies, etc. has the potential to really cloud our minds and judgement and put us into a false competition with ourselves and everyone around us. a wedding and a ring mean nothing if the relationship is not good and it seems to me he cares more about the RELATIONSHIP (as he should) than he does about a wedding. both partners need to feel good for things to work out and he’s right; you are taking away his voice and his ability to make decisions in his own life which, if i were a man, would scare me a lot when looking into my future with you.
for now just calm down. take a good look at yourself and don’t be in such a rush for everything. the problem isn’t him, it’s you. he CLEARLY still loves you and wants to be with you focus on seeing how you look through HIS eyes and what made him back away from you.
best of luck!
Post # 15
Another vote to give the guy some time to recover from his first failed marriage before forcing him into another one.
Post # 16
@DJones69: +1. This exactly.