(Closed) very upset :( my family= 30 guests allowed vs grooms family= 370 guests

posted 8 years ago in Reception
Post # 32
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

First off (( HUGS )) because I know this is tough on you… and you are right, I could not even imagine telling your Mom that things are shaping up so that there is hardly anyone from your / her side going to be involved.

So, I agree with the others YOU HAVE TO SPEAK UP.

This certainly looks more like a Family Reunion to me than a Wedding (unless it is the “wedding that your Future In-Laws never had”) *Rolls Eyes*… a thing that has been known to happen to young Brides (altho it usually is the MOB who goes hog wild crazy)

Honestly, as an Encore Bride who was in a very poor marriage the first time, RED FLAGS and ALARM BELLS are going off for me in regards to this situation… as someone else said there is bad precedent being set here.

1- Your Future Hubby is allowing his family to run rough-shod all over HIS and YOUR Wedding.  They seem very controlling… and I really disliked the part where you said they attacked him as being disrespectful when he was planning on doing the paying (not disrespectful at all… in that instance he was being a man and stepping up to his obligations of organizing his Wedding)

2- NOW though, the dynamic has changed.  He needs to speak up, and make it clear that the currrent plans ARE NOT OK as they stand.  A marriage is a bringing together of TWO families, not just one

3- If he doesn’t speak up… then this is extremely worrysome for me.  It shows he does allow his family to run rough-shod over things… if this is the reality NOW, it may as well be the reality 5, 10 or 20 years from now.  Marriages are hard enough… and many couples have “issues” with the Inlaws… you don’t want a marriage that is this way before the Vows are even spoken.  And you certainly don’t want to be in one where Mommy Dearest is going to call all the shots after you guys are married !!

4- As someone else said, your Hubby-2-B and you need to have more say in this Wedding… as it is YOUR DAY.  It is the event that binds you together, and will be something you will remember forever… it shouldn’t be a BAD Memory or disrespectful to either of you individually, or to the other’s family.  It is meant to be a joyous celebration.

5- The Guest list should be divided up more fairly.  With proportion of the Invites going to BOTH Families and also to you as a couple.  It shouldn’t be all one sided like it is now.  You are 50% of the marriage, but currently only seeing 8% (30/370) of the Invitations… that is disgraceful !!  Either you should get more of the Invites (say 1/3+1/3+1/3 = 123 to all 3 groups) OR the wedding should be smaller and something that you and your Fiance can afford on your own and be more intune with what YOUR Wedding should be about… and not a vision of your MIL’s / Inlaws.

6- And well quite honestly IF some of these things weren’t to happen… I’d be bowing out on the whole affair.

If the Inlaws cannot see that what they are doing is disrespectful… I’d be planning to elope.

And if Hubby-2-B can’t see that either, or stand up for you in this situation, then I’d be telling him that you need time to rethink all this Wedding thing… and take a break.

Because, as I said… if he and you aren’t on the same page, and he is quite willing to have his family direct the show and push their agenda, you can be certain that this issue will raise its ugly head in your marriage too.  And that my dear (as someone who has been there) is a brutal mess to be in, when a man revokes his role as partner in favour of being a son.

Trust me when I say, YOU DO NOT WANT TO GO DOWN THAT ROAD !!

 

Post # 33
Member
1334 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Kempinski San Lawrenz, Gozo

oh my god, how terrible! do NOT settle for this, you’ll regret your wedding for the rest of your life it you do! Here are some options I’ve thought of:

1) elope. it’s SO much fun, and stress-free, and it will be all about what matters most: you and your man.
2) reject her offer to pay for the food. take out a loan if you have to. The way I see it, you Future Mother-In-Law is manipulating you with money, and that is NOT ok. 
3) Firmly tell her that things will go according to you and your fiance’s plans. give her an amount of guests she can invite, and don’t give in.
4) ignore her – you’ll be the one sending out invitations, anyway.
5) settle for a wedding/family reunion you and your fiance don’t want. 
6) let her plan everything, then don’t show up.

personally, I’d elope. Go someplace romantic like venice, florence or paris, hire a photographer, and have a beautiful intimate ceremony. 🙂  

Post # 34
Member
1038 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@This Time Round:  Very well said.

 

 

OP…please keep us updated on this.  It just amazes me that they even THINK this is acceptable behavior towards you. 

 

 

Your post makes me soooo thankful now that me and my Fiance are paying for everything.  Granted, we are doing a budget wedding, but me and him are making all the choices in the wedding planning.  We seek input from our families when we wish and luckily both sides have been very supportive of all our plans so far anyways. 

Post # 35
Member
9012 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@nursemel: Yeah $40K for food is probably spot on in Australia for 400 guests ($100/head). Thats is a pretty reasonable price! Most place I got quotes for were $150/head!

 

@justcurious333:  I say that you need to sit down with your Fiance and talk to him This is very unfair and if you and Fiance cannot talk any sense into them then you need to fight fire with fire.If they are going to stick to the were are paying for the food then you need to give them the number that they can invite according to the amounts you are paying for and the events (ceremony etc). So 30 for them for the ceremony etc! Make them see how silly their request is.

Post # 36
Member
22 posts
Newbee

I have a feeling that the huge guest list is the norm in your FH cultural background. That in no way should mean that your side doesn’t count. Maybe you don’t have 100’s of people you’d like to invite, but it’s obviously more than 30. Make up your guest list and say these people are non-negotiable. They are invited no matter what and stick to it. Let his family invite every single person from their community if that is their normal. Just not at the expense of the people that you care about. You should not be put in the position to hurt your mother and other people that you love.

They’ve graciously offered to pay 2/3 of the wedding. Let them have 2/3 of the guests. Tell Future Sister-In-Law to take hike. Better yet, tell FH to tell his sister to take a hike 

Post # 37
Member
40 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

im so sorry i hope it goes well for you keep us posted. I went through a similar situation with my family but in the opposite my fiances family felt like they had less invites because they werent contruting as much as my parents. we took our number and split it down the middle each family was able to use their allotted seats as they saw fit. Please stand up for yourself and I am a little dissapointed that your FH wont stand up for you. Is he going to let your future in laws control the name of your first baby because theu bought the crib? define your independance as a couple and stand up for what you want, they had their chance at a wedding this is yours and you only get to do it once. The worse they can say is no and you will be int he same position you are right now.

Post # 38
Member
1038 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@MOB2:  Tell Future Sister-In-Law to take hike. Better yet, tell FH to tell his sister to take a hike

 

 

The plus to this….opens up another guest (or 2 if their is a plus one) for the bride’s side 🙂

Post # 39
Member
2109 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Oh this just makes me angry for you! That is absolutely unfair. You are paying for a third of the wedding, and it’s YOUR wedding. I can’t understand what would make them think it was acceptable to invite THAT many people while allowing you only a few dozen. What does your Fiance think about this? You need to have a serious talk with him and make it clear that you are NOT okay with your guest “allowance”. He needs to talk to them on your behalf. I’m a huge proponent of each member of a relationship handling issues with their parents on their own. It keeps things from getting quite so messy.

If they aren’t willing to budge, I’d politely decline their monetary contributions and plan my wedding according to what I could afford. I would not allow myself to be walked all over because they are paying more. This is YOUR day, you deserve to have whoever you want there to celebrate with you.

Post # 40
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I know you respect them (although it sounds a little like fear) but they should respect your family as well.

Post # 41
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Couldn’t you have just stuck with your own money and done things your way at the start? Is it too late to cancel and arrange everything your own way with your own money? 

Post # 42
Member
3172 posts
Sugar bee

Put your foot down and tell her this is your wedding not hers. If you have to be a bridezilla so be it.

Post # 43
Member
1334 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Kempinski San Lawrenz, Gozo

you said you have 20K. That is quite enough to have an intimate and beautiful wedding without anyone’s interference! 🙂

Post # 44
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

This is EXACTLY what I went through. My side was only 30 ppl and his side was massive and his parents paid. they directed the whole wedding and I said nothing.

let me tell you that I regret so much of it and i feel like i hate his mother more and more every time I see her and am really starting to reconsider this marriage as I see how my Darling Husband is influenced by them.

I regret never opening my mouth and standing up to her and telling her that it is MY wedding. Darling Husband tried to justify everything and make me see how nice they were doing everything for us and how I should be grateful at mine and my family’s expense because we couldn’t pay!!

I regret it all. worst time of my life. my mom is traumatised and I live with doubts all the time… worried abt future and how Mother-In-Law will get involved…

please speak up and DON’T BE LIKE ME!!!!!!! PLEASE!!! Put them in their place now! and if Darling Husband doesn’t support you then WALK!!!

Post # 46
Member
929 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Sunset Harbour

WOW – I’m so sorry you have to go through with this. I would have it out with my in-laws if they EVER said something along the lines of “Lucky we even got 30”. You are doing the right thing. HUGS

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