(Closed) very upset :( my family= 30 guests allowed vs grooms family= 370 guests

posted 8 years ago in Reception
Post # 62
Member
4192 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

OP, thanks for the update. Good to see you and Fiance are sticking up for yourselves- that wedding that Future Sister-In-Law was planning for you (how did SHE get so involved??) would have been hell for both of you.

Post # 63
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

@justcurious333:  This really is a difficult situation, but your update sounds like you & Fiance are starting to come together to figure it out. I agree with other bees that you can probably get very creative (and maybe get some money back from the vendors you’ve already paid) and have the type of wedding you and Fiance want. I have no idea what the background story is with your in-laws, but they sound like pretty awful, manipulative people. You repeat several times that you respect them & are upset that you’re hurting them, but I don’t understand why. Keep in mind that they have repeatedly disrespected YOU during this process and respect should be earned. I’m sure your Fiance is grateful to your parents for raising you, but would he be okay if they acted this way?

Bottom line is, you & Fiance are creating a new baby family. Weddings are hard for this reason – it’s a time to face challenges, decide what’s important for you two as a couple and no one else, and then stick to your guns. If this doesn’t happen now, marriage becomes really difficult. There’s a great post on apracticalwedding.com about how to deal with in-law troubles, it might help you in your future dealings with them (which I’m sure you’ll have, because they don’t sound like they’re going to quietly respect your decision). http://apracticalwedding.com/2011/04/ask-team-practical-in-laws/ 

 

P.S. Future Sister-In-Law needs to butt the heck out. That should be on you & Fiance list of things to discuss/deal with next!

Post # 64
Member
3314 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m so glad to read in your update that your FH and you are on the same page now.  I’m so so sorry that his parents are being so stubborn and well… downright cruel.  I hope you do end up doing the wedding of your dreams and just letting them deal with it not being their way.  *hugs*

Post # 65
Member
40 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@justcurious333:  I am so hapy for you. You will be much happier its not so much about all the fuss as it is about you and your Fi. Congrats and enjoy your small intimate wedding 🙂

Post # 66
Member
914 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m really happy your Fiance was with you and stood up to his parents. I’m actually kind of shocked at their response. Did they forget who was gettng married???

You can still have a dream wedding (it’ll be a heck of a lot cheaper without their massive guest list!!), you just might have to make some adjustments.  I think you and your FI will have a beautiful wedding. One that you both want with the people YOU want. Big hugs!

Post # 67
Member
2977 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Good for you and your Fiance for standing up to his rude, manipulative parents. You still have plenty of money to do the wedding the way you guys want it. Just make sure a Destination Wedding is what you want in lieu of a smaller ceremony where your family can attend! Good luck to you! I’d not even bat an eye or lose an ounce of sleep worrying about whether or not you’ve “hurt” his parents.

Post # 68
Member
4623 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

My parents are paying for food at our wedding….they don’t care how many people my FI’s family invites….mum just said get a big enough venue for all our numbers.

Your FI’s family should have done the same. Can you fit more than 400 people in your venue? If you can then invite as many as you can and maybe either pay for extra guests or rework your food menu to a less extravagent affair so that way you will feed more heads with the $40,000 your FI’s family will put up.

Your FI’s family are probably working on the premise I pay for all mine her family pay for all hers….

Have you discussed this with your FI?

I know this can be a touchy subject to navigate…good luck!!!

Post # 69
Member
4623 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

read your update after I posted! good for you!!! I’m so glad you guys have put your inlaws in place!!!

I’m pretty sure, given a few weeks they will come back to the party on your terms.

Being the kind of people that need to invite 370 people to their sons wedding……they will hate to have to tell guests that the big wedding is off!  Be prepared for some groveling…it will be up to you to decide how you want to proceed with your inlaws and your wedding!

Out of all this chaos …..At least you surely know your Fiance will always pick your relationship over his family. thats a good thing…

 

Post # 70
Member
11268 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@justcurious333:  i read your update and i am happy that your fi stood up to his parents. 

let’s face it, you would have spent $20k on something you didn’t even want.  what a waste! 

i would use that money and have the wedding that you and your fi want.  keep his parents and his sister out of the planning.

can you still use the venue, etc that you already booked?  just make it smaller?

good luck and keep us updated.

Post # 71
Member
338 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Three words: you. go. girl. I’ve been following this thread and I’m really really happy that you and your fiance are taking steps to get your guyses (emphasis on YOURRRR) wedding. Keep us posted; I want to know what you choose to do! 

Post # 72
Member
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I definitely agree with those who have said a conversation needs to happen now. I would suggest starting a conversation with discussing an overall budget for food in this case. And I would make this a total dollar amount, not a per person amount. Then both of you present a list together of who you would like to invite (dividing it up evenly as others have said). But this list should come from you and Fiance, not her. Then maybe you can both decide on x number of other people left with the food budget she has set and let her figure out where she can cut back.However in Fiance is really wanting each of these 370 people, then you will need to figure out how to adjust your budget and space to accommodate both sides of the family (and I’m not referring to only 30 people, but whatever number feels right to you). Definitely speak up, make your needs met, and talk to Fiance about how important it is that you both stand as a united front and make your own decisions (with their input of course). But ultimately they have to accept that you will make your own decisions as a couple and ask that they respect this.

 

Edit: just read your update and I’m sorry that you are goingthrough this. I would sit down and talk to Fiance about the kind of wedding you want for 20k if that’s what your original budget was. Decide on a guest list you both feel comfortable with that fits your new budget and recognize that at this time his family is not ready to Respect your needs and is best left out of the Planning and decision making process. Then take a little time together to support one another’s feelings about it all.

Post # 73
Member
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I’m so happy your fiance spoke up for you!  This really does set a precedent for your future relationship with your in laws though, unfortunately.  I dont like how they can just force their money down your throat and then do whatever they want.  Eloping is a GREAT idea.  You two can get married without any interference and then use your money to host a small reception for when you get back.  =)

Post # 74
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I agree.  Elope.  But since you’ve already booked the photographer there, get married in your city at the courthouse or whatever, then spend the rest of the day taking amazing pictures.  Forfeit the DJ and the venue deposits if you have to.  Then get on a plane and go on a great trip.

This is easier said than done, I know.  But it sure is an option, and a good threat to the inlaws if they don’t shape up. I can’t believe they are disrespecting you and your family this way. 

Post # 75
Member
384 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

im with PP, is it too late to say thanks for the offer but we would like to do it on our own, and pay for and invite who you both really want there

Post # 76
Member
384 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

@j_jaye:  im in Australia and am having my reception at the “poshest” and most “upperty” place where i live. its $40 a head. $100 might be normal in the major cities (Sydney, Brisbane, Gold Coast Melbourne.) just as prices would sky rocket in NYC

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